Do we backtrack and stay together for the kids

[Theoneandonlyone]

Hubby and I are discussing divorce. He was adamant a few days ago that this was the right thing to do. I went all pathetic and begged. To no avail.
fast forward a few days and I’ve done research sent him some links on how to tell the kids 12 & 9 etc. Now I think the reality has hit and he’s backtracked. Says we should give it another go.
I can’t help but feel so incredibly hurt and have cried for days. How can I turn back from this?
Ive looked at houses I can afford and the future looks bleak. Probably won’t ever get a holiday again. Each time I look at the kids it breaks my heart. They are blissfully unaware that their life could be about to change dramatically.
Would you just suck it up and give it another go to ensure they stay happy. Or atleast until they’re a bit older.
I can’t think straight, haven’t eaten for days. I just feel like going to sleep and not waking up. Help!

What made him change his mind?

I’m sorry you are going through this. It won’t be as bleak as you think and you will have the added benefit of not living with a living self esteem suck.
i hate to say this but he almost certainly has started something with someone else. They generally do.
if you can afford it find a good therapist and open up to your friends. i don’t think you can backtrack. Good luck

Would you just suck it up and give it another go to ensure they stay happy. Or atleast until they’re a bit older.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but my parents tried this. I knew they were unhappy, and the guilt that I was the reason they stayed together in an unhappy relationship, rather than moving on and being happy apart is still a burden even decades later. Other friends who had parents that waited to split until they were older feel like their childhoods were a lie. It's a difficult situation and you need to have a serious talk with your partner, but please don't stay together for the children.

Edited - For spelling errors

I don’t actually know. Like I said, I sent him some links from here on advice etc.
Perhaps me having some strength and being practical rather than being pathetic and begging also played a part?

It wouldn’t be the first time either unfortunately. I should have probably been stronger years ago. But in all honesty I have no regrets. Those years have been good. I think we could make more good years.

I don't think anyone can answer sensibly without some clue what brought you to this point in the first place.
Maybe the relationship is fundamentally a bad one, maybe life just got in the way and you could rebuild the connection if both parties made it a priority to invest and uplift things.... We have no idea what your dynamic is or what so...

Honestly, once you've half broken up, I don't think you can ever really get the secure feeling back in a relationship. Surely, you'll always be wondering if he really wants to be with you? Which will kill your self esteem.

Staying together for a few more years for the kids is a bad idea. Your eldest child is 12, in a few years will be the start of their gcse years, so not a great time for the upheaval. Then, if you wait for those to be over, your youngest will be starting. Are you prepared to wait until your 9 year old is 16?!

There's never a good time to get a divorce

You want to make more good years with someone who was adamant they want to get a divorce?

You could also make more good years/memories with your kids as a happy single parent who isn’t in limbo with their relationship.

Up to you but life is short

Don't do this. I had a similar situation. He told me he wanted a divorce then backtracked. Then 6 months later left anyway.

It was absolutely horrendous. Living on eggshells and bending over backwards to make sure he didn't change his mind again. I wish he'd just had the guts the leave the first time he wanted to. It was some of the worst times of my life.

I stayed in fairly similar circumstances. We split when youngest turned 18.

Is it the right thing to do? Well it depends if you can live happily together, the split wasn't planned either, it just got to a point where we were living separate lives once the children were pretty independent. But we were still getting along well and doing things together until a few months before.

I'm happily living with my dp now, he was in a similar situation, it's common it seems. But whether it's right for you is dependent on you two, can you be a couple?

Agree completely with whinge I had exactly the same experience and I always roll my eyes when people say their kids don't know. Honestly they do, me and my sister did even if our parents didn't think we did, kids are observant and will pick up on the lack of affection and kind words and it will impact on how they approach relationships as adults.

Please for the sake of both your own mental health and that of your children don't subject them to the facade and pretend you're staying together for their sake.

Imagine if it was your child in your situation would you honestly want them to waste decades being in a loveless marriage?

I'm actually on the other side of this. I think in the absence of abuse then staying together in an otherwise rather boring staid hum drum marriage is better for the kids.

What do you want? Your whole post is about what he wants. Why is he the centre of all this? A relationship is a two-way street, everything shouldn't be focused on pandering to one person's whims. You get a choice too. Just because he wants to stay together now doesn't mean you have to jump to his tune if you're not happy.

Also do the kids know? You can't keep chopping and changing what you're doing, so be very sure about what you want to do, as constantly breaking up and making up is really terrible for children (as terrible as staying in an abusive household).

Yeah, I agree. I think a lot of people are very quick to split up these days when things aren't perfect and fairytale and hearts and flowers all the time. So are you both just bored OP or is this an abusive situation? If the latter, split.

Don't fool yourself that your kids are blissfully unaware of what is going on.

It is shit growing up in a household with parents who are unhappy together, no matter how many holidays you go on.

It's difficult, do you think you could be happy with someone who had told you he wanted a divorce? The worse time is when kids are going through GCSE's. If you separated now it would all be over before your DC even started the GCSE's.

I think it is better to stick it out if there is no abuse. If people have negative feelings knowing their parents stuck together out of duty until they left home, they are in a mercifully ignorant position of what it would have been like if their parents split. They are lucky they didn’t experience being used as a weapon through which their acrimonious parents spitefully wound eachother, being used as a go-between, having the disruption of two homes, the pain and difficulties of blended families, the guilt of only wanting to live with one parent and not the other, the exposure to either parents weird new friends as they try to rebuild their lives but not want their children to cramp their style, etc, etc, etc. Splitting while children still live at home brings a host of issues, including things like poverty, no holidays, etc that have been mentioned. It’s only a few years to get through.

It doesn't need to be abusive for them to split up. The OP ended her post by saying she's not eaten for 4 days and wants to go to sleep and not wake up, shes doesn't need a reason that meets the criteria of random people on the Internet to end her marriage.

Not abusive at all. And in this case, apart from the last week the kids have been blissfully unaware. He has accused me of being cold lately but I’ve had covid and generally been under the weather.

I think whoever mentioned he’s probably already having an affair is probably right which is why it’s come out of the blue.

We’ve been together 22 years and I regret none of them.

Due to his shift pattern I do a lot on my own so am used to picking up all the slack while he either works or sleeps through the day. So being on my own doesn’t scare me as such. Sharing the kids, ensuring he feeds them well without scares me. The thought of him potentially being on his own at Christmas also terrifies me as I do really adore him!

I genuinely feel like I’m going mad with all these thoughts/options!

it’s awful

@Theoneandonlyone I think you did the right thing by making face the practicalities. Tell him he needs to explain it all to the kids and be honest that it’s only what he wants and not you, tell him that he must answer any of their questions fully and honestly and to be responsible for taking steps to protecting the children from the fall-out.

Maybe he had a reality check when you made him see what divorce with children involves. If there is an other woman, maybe he has made up stories in his head about the sort of woman you are, and you showing strength and initiative also shattered his illusions.

Other posters are right though, that we can’t really advise you what decision to make.

Do you have any meditation or spiritual practices you can do, to connect with your ‘inner knowing’? There’s part of you that knows what you need to do as a next step that will enable you to handle things confidently.

I've no often found that men, especially when they've had their head turned are quick to say 'it's over', they then like the fact that the woman fall apart and begs him to stay - very ego boosting for him. But when she finally says enough is enough and starts getting practical and accepting it, he suddenly realises what he's about to lose. Very unfair of him.

If you think he's had an affair and this split has come out the blue I'd be less inclined to reconcile. But if it's just general wear and tear then often couples counselling could help

Really sorry to hear all that op.
Awful to be blind sided by this.
Accusations of being cold are quite classic when a spouse has an affair, the mental discomfort in knowing you're betraying an undeserving partner is eased by throwing in those sorts of complaints.
I'd ask him directly, the cause of this turn of events needs to be in the open so decisions one way or another can at least be based on the truth.
Maybe he has realised his head getting turned wasn't what he really wanted, in which case he needs to come clean so you can both repair the damage together (IF you want to)

It sounds like you've been put through an emotional roller coaster but always remember you are strong. i would definitely try couples therapy. Worth talking about things before throwing in the towel. Divorce is tough so if it does end up there, best face it without regrets. Good luck