I never thought this would happen - what now?

[Hopful123]

I’m hoping for some guidance. I am going to speak to a friend in confidence tomorrow night, but just need to try and process this.

My (D)H and I have been together since 2006. We have 2 children, a 5YR old and a 6 month old. Since having our second child, things haven’t been good, at all.

a few weeks ago, there was an incident that, to me, I think was the final straw and since then it’s been utterly shit. My DH is very good in many respects. He always does things around the house, is good with money, wants to spend time with our son etc. but he get frustrated incredibly easily and is quite a potty mouth.

so a few weeks ago, he called me a ‘f*king idiot’ in the car, in from of the children and his dad because the baby was screaming and I had a go at him about his driving. This lead to an almighty argument and I said if he ever disrespected me again, I’d be gone. Fast forward to the next weekend, I accidentally hit his head with a toy, and it hit his ear. He proceeded to use the words ‘prick’ and a ‘cunt’, and while my son didn’t hear, he could have done. That evening I was ready to leave, but I can’t because my newborn is breastfed and I couldn’t take them out of bed, I have nowhere to go.

I stupidly thought, after a long 2 hour conversation, things may improve. But tonight, he tried to settle the baby for all of about 1 minute, he put him down and said he couldn’t deal with that shit. Once I’d settled the baby, I said to him he’s not once tried to settle him and I wish I could swap roles with him for 1 day to show him how much I do. His response was basically that his role is to provide the money / finances and I didn’t question more, just went to bed as I’m so sick of it. He has zero patience and just wants the ‘fun’ parts of parenting.

im not financially reliant on him, but am on maternity leave at the moment. I just feel so trapped as I can’t leave with 2 children and he won’t leave. I don’t want to involve the police.

I don’t really know what I want from this post, but it’s just felt good to write down how I feel.

Just for additional context, he has openly admitting to struggling with our second. He feels useless and said during our discussion last weekend he never really wanted a second, but obviously wouldn’t change it for the world now. I just feel so lost, I don’t want to tear the family apart But feel no connection to him at all. I am so snappy at him all the time because I resent him.

It's so tough being in a relationship when you feel 'ready to go' but not.

Having little ones is hard and sometimes you come out of this but in my experience it just got worse.

I am newly divorced with a 12 yo and 9 yo. I felt the same as you at your stage and if I'm honest it never really got better I just got used to it and it got worse.

My advice would be to do what YOU want to do whatever that is. But calling you shit names is horrible and in front of the kids is soul destroying especially as they get older as you show what a relationship is by example and only now I'm on my own can I truly show what that is. I can 100% say my kids are happier now it's just me (he dips in but I'm the parent if that makes sense.)

I hope you're okay and get through this tough patch however is best for you.

What's wrong with his driving? Speeding? Taking risks? If so, that is a form of abuse.

It doesn't get better. It always gets worse. It's like they're testing boundaries to see how far their foul temper and language is allowed to go.

You might think you're checking him and reigning it in by challenging him but you're not really. It's not your fault. It's vile behaviour and it's the behaviour of a bully who is finding their boldness and starting to indulge themselves.

My ex was the same with driving and the name calling.

It slowly escalated over four years to screaming abuse and violence. He had had multiple affairs too but obviously that might not be your experience.

I would start to find ways to get out. Kids do not thrive in an environment where their parent is abusive to the other. You're important too and you deserve better than this.