Should I divorce when my daughter is struggling with mental health problems

[Josiekitty]

I am 55 and have been unhappily married for years. He does not communicate, will snap or shout at me if I say something he doesn’t like, we don’t have fun or conversations and sleep in separate rooms. I know if we split up he will be awkward as I tried a few years ago but I couldn’t face the stress. The problem is my daughter has severe anxiety (struggles to go to school, be in busy places - she’s neurodiverse) and when I’ve mentioned me and her dad parting she is devastated. I feel trapped and the resentment for him is growing. I want to leave be am scared of what will happen. I wondered if anyone could advise xx

You cannot live your life on other peoples happiness.
Once your daughter sees your happier without him, it may even help her own mental health.

I had a something a bit similar with my Dd although she was older and living away from home.

We went on a big family (his) getogther for 5 days. I didn’t want to go. At some point I said the wrong thing to my husband and he exploded in rage. I was very very upset, and my Dd saw and came to console me. I blurted out that I was thinking of leaving. She said that she and her fiancé give her Dad a lift home. In a state of high stress I said, “no I’m thinking of leaving the marriage”. Her face just crumpled and flooded with tears in an instant.

My heart broke and I backtracked.

Five years later I couldn’t do it any more and I am now divorcing. I regret not doing it back then.

I think you should divorce, but you will need to pay extra attention to your DDs mental health/anxiety. You need to present her with your/her new life as more safe, more peaceful, more of whatever she needs.

By the time I finally called it time my own mental health/confidence/self esteem was at an all time low. Although my Dd was in a much better place, I know I looked to her for support at the beginning which was a bad mistake on my part as she loves her father and he has always been good to her. She was understandably torn with divided loyalties. Like me, I believe she also finds it difficult to stand up to him,so my neediness put her in a difficult position.

You could try waiting a few months, but please use that to time to sort your finances, housing etc, so you are ready when the time comes.

I didn’t and regret it. I don’t know where all the money is and my Stbxh is doing his best to make sure I never know.

Thank you so much for this. My daughter is still at home and struggling so much. I do think I’m the long run she’s be holier but I’m so scared of what could happen in the short term. Xx

I was you, I stayed because it was easier. He then called time taking it out of my hands, my dd struggled a lot, I had in the meantime met someone elsewhere in the country and I brought her to live with me here, took time but she is in a much better place, at university again having struggled during covid. She likes my now dp, shared interests and more attentive than her dad in many ways (who wouldn't do something unless he personally was interested), I'm 6 years on

Thank you for your reassuring words x

I agree with the previous poster about not living your life to please other people. Your daughter's MH struggles are not your fault. In fact, it's possible that living in an unhappy home with unhappy parents is no help to her at all.

You cannot shield her from life's realities. All you can do is to be the best and most supportive parent you can.

That requires that you look after your own health, happiness, and mental well-being first.

Take a deep breath and make a plan to dissolve your marriage. The no-fault process now means it's a lot easier and less conflict-driven.

Think about decluttering your possessions. Sell, chuck, donate. Make an inventory of all assets, debts, savings, pensions. Gather all your essential paperwork. Think about where you will live and what your future could look like. Start visualising how your next life phase could be.

Get counselling (alone) if you think it will help you untangle your thoughts and clear your mind.

Do not feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Look up FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

Prepare yourself mentally for the divorce process, which is never easy or pleasant. But it's soon over. The you can start to rebuild.

I know it's hard with your daughter, but staying with her father is only making it harder.

I am in a similar position with DD. Quite fed up with DH and have been for a while. He pulled himself together for a while and had some counselling, which improved things but we had a bad argument tonight. It was about something he had done which I think most people would agree wasn't great but also not a reason to divorce him. So I guess the fact that I am feeling so fed up means probably the marriage is nearing its' end. We're probably not quite there yet so I will probably try and stick it out for a little bit longer due to DD. It's been such a battle to improve her mental health (mostly all done by me but in fairness DH would drive her to appointments as long as I set them up and paid for them - when I had to go private- or finally fought enough battles with the NHS to be offered some limited free counseling - so I guess his version will be how much he did for his daughter in her hour of need). I'll see if I can grin and bear it for a bit more to give us some calm in between the storms. But really if I were my friend I would be advising myself to end the marriage.

I have said the same to myself - if I was advising someone else it would’ve to end the marriage xx

My son has periods of anxiety and just feeling sad, as he describes it, and I am completely torn as to whether me leaving his dad will make things worse or better for him. I have no idea which way it will go, and it's his GCSE year, so although I am thoroughly miserable and would leave this afternoon if it was just me to consider, I don't know what to do. I agree @Josiekitty if I was giving a friend advice I would say end it, but it's so very different when it's you who has to make the decision.

Can you take your daughter away for a weeks holiday just you and her? Or even a long w/e? Or even into an air b and b to do some fun stuff - baking / games / nail painting etc.

the noise - noise cancelling headphones.

somewhere she enjoys whether that’s the beach or the forest or just somewhere in the middle of nowhere to chill.

im sure he is making you both sad. Once you both are together then you will gain happiness together minus the “husband” who is making everyone depressed.

Alternatively you could plod along with him. But it could be the husband that’s creating lots of stress / anxiety for either one of you or prob both.

I reckon if you can gain strength to leave you 2 will be happier (minus the husband).

People and environment key to ND children.

The seed has been sewn now and you need to make the decision for you and your daughter. Be clear in your own mind so you don’t create anxiety for her - an unknown to ND is hard ….. you take the lead for you and your daughter and act quick don’t drag it out as it’s not fair on her …..

Good luck x

Wow, so many people in a similar situation, OP I think I was you 5 years ago. I'd decided to leave H, got legal advice, told older DD and without warning, within a few weeks younger DD then aged 14 became so mentally unwell I couldn't do anything but deal with that - for years, its become full time caring more or less. 5 years later I turned 60+ and she's even worse - I waited and waited thinking that treatment would help her but it didn't. So I set the wheels in motion. I never want DD to think that I stayed a moment longer because of her, but I just kept thinking maybe next month, maybe next year. It's a no win situation in many ways, but DD does say she is glad I finally made the decision.

My DD is ND and has anxiety, panic attacks and suicidal ideation. She also struggles with school attendance. My stbxh is emotionally abusive and controlling and struggles with our ND children. He gets angry a lot. Being married, living with him was destroying me, I finally couldn't take it anymore and told him earlier this year. He's moved out now and DD doesn't need to deal with him as much. I think she's doing better than she was at the start of this year, though she also started medication and therapy 6 months ago, so I can't say exactly what's caused that. She finds it difficult at her Dad's place, but she's not as angry and stressed as she was 2 months ago at home. I wish I'd done it years ago. The time I spent getting supports in place for DD pre separation was I think we'll spent time, but I don't feel she will get to a good place with her mental health for a while, it's a long slow process and I'm not sure she ever would have got there while living full time in a house containing her father.

Thank you so much for your reply and I am really sorry to hear about your daughters ongoing struggles xx

Thank you for your advice @GoingDownLikeBHS
It sounds like you were in a very similar position. I want to do it and know I should but I know he will be awkward about the house and at the moment houses are not selling so it’s an added layer of worry.
i am so sorry to hear that your daughter is struggling still. I hope at some point things improve xx

My DD also struggles with attendance @EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness . That in itself is so stressful isn’t it. I’m glad you had the strength to ask him to go. Mine wouldn’t go, he will be awkward, but at the moment I don’t even have the strength to say it as I know it will start him off with crying, then begging and then being nasty 🤷‍♀️ Xxx

Stbxh just goes straight to nasty now. There was a time we would have both been in years over it. Then times I tried to leave he gaslit me, blamed everything on me and made me feel worthless. It took years to get here. He didn't move out until he bought a house. That was a few horrible months, but even when it was really bad I didn't feel hopeless like I did before because I knew that we were finally moving towards a time when I wouldn't have to be constantly on edge. When I told him I was done his response was to ask when I was moving out. I can't until we sell the fmh. He was angry but not that we were breaking up, he was angry I wasn't going to move out with the kids.

@ everyone really; so my divorce has come through but we can't sell the house, we are all trapped here. Even if we do sell I am not sure what we can afford to move on to but that's another thread. 5 years ago I could see the damage that H had done to the DCs, but lets be clear I was the one who could have said I'd leave at any time when they were younger - I suppose I was worried about him wanting access to the DCs when they were little, and we were also in a huge amount of debt, tens of thousands, which is now all paid off. So those things then DD's illness fed into my hesitance and that hesitation has proved my downfall I'd say. Still - hindsight etc - timing is everything.

H definitely caused some of DD's issues, in fact at the time my solicitor said his behaviour was so bad I could try for an occupation order - covert abuse sort of thing. DD was saying that she hated him and wanted to get away from him, then as she became more unwell she changed her mind. It was just a very hard situation all round, there was no easy way out. I read a book called Decision Time which is about making life changing decisions where there is no "good" outcome, no weighing up of pros and cons as that won't provide an answer - helped me to come to terms with it. But ultimately there's no "winning" in this situation, just the least worst outcome, which to me was to show my DCs that I could stand up to H and decide to take my life forward alone (with them ifyswim).

This sounds a difficult situation for you @@GoingDownLikeBHS and mirrors mine. I really should have left when DD was younger as it would have been easier but he was and is awkward and at the time I worked more than him so was scared that he’d have her full time!

I didn’t actually realise you could divorce and stay in the same house. How is it working for you? Have you sorted who gets what or is that yet to be decided xx

So when I made the decision (based on housing market etc 18 months ago!!) he was mostly upset and saying he'd no idea, we went to Relate in order to help him come to terms with it and he said he just couldn't understand what he'd ever done wrong over the past 30+ years. Every example I gave he said oh yeah well I was entitled to do that, or yeah you take everything the wrong way and so on. He's never accepted any responsibility whatsoever. But he did calm down a lot and is mostly not shouting in our faces any more. As a result, the DCs (both now early 20s) have almost sort of forgotten what he can be like, they've mellowed towards him and he's become Disney dad. Still does very little for them but lots of baby talk and calling himself "Daddy" etc. The DCs just don't want to deal with any hassle they've had year of it so they never confront him or question him - unwell DD was hoping he'd realise how badly he'd treated her as well (other DC is his clear favourite) but nope, not the slightest hint of recognition. He asked her outright to confirm that she'd had a good childhood with him and she was so scared she said yes.

Anyway I digress I could go on for years about this. So living together is sad, mostly calm, calmer than it was, but also quite scary as we have no idea if or when we can sell. We had decided on a split (not 50:50 as DD will live with me for the foreseeable future) but if we can't get what we originally wanted for the house that split won't work - we both have a limited amount we can each borrow for a new mortgage bearing in mind we are in our 60s and working part time. So I don't know, we've exchanged one uncertain situation for another. We can't do the financial order until the house is sold. I suppose actually being divorced means that he knows he has less control over me, so there's that "benefit". But we are still in limbo.

This is such a difficult situation for you and I can see that this may be my situation too. Over the years I’ve put significantly more money in (10,000 more deposit, an extension, new kitchen and bathrooms etc) and earned more as he chose to work part time . He will not acknowledge that I really am entitled to more than 50% and hangs onto the fact that he’s earned more for the last 2 years (forget the last 20). A solicitor I briefly spoke to said that it would start at a 50/50 split.
even selling the house he will be awkward with viewings etc. he prefers to bury his head and pretend that everything is fine and that I’m the one with the problem. He frequently says that I ‘cause trouble’ and ‘start arguments’ when I confront him for talking to me badly! I’m at the point of detesting him and only don’t have conflict every day because I keep out of his way xx