Does everyone do a financial order?

[user1469990255]

Myself and husband separated 6 weeks ago. He’s currently on holiday with the woman who had nothing to do with him wanting to leave and was just his friend🙄.

I’ve actually got two questions. So far, we haven’t sorted anything else out. He doesn’t stay in the house very often, but we are attempting the nesting situation int he short term. Estate agents have been out the value and we will put up for sale next month. My first questions in, had anyone done a divorce without a financial order? It’s more the cost of solicitors etc that make me think is it worth it? We’ve worked out child maintenance using the calculator but we’re planning on doing it between us as I need it sorted ASAP to be able to get a mortgage on my own and was advised it would take a long time to do it through the service. We’ve talked about just splitting all equity 50/50 and keeping our own pensions, his will be significantly more but in my present mindset I just want us to be able to live our lives separately now. He does earn a lot more than I do however with child maintenance I will be able to manage on my wage (not in the house we are in) but once I’m on my own. Everything I read looks like most people involve solicitors, is that the best way forward. I’m not sure I could afford the fees.

second question is, how do I mentally get through this. It kills me that he is happily in love while I’m going to be alone every night. I’m 35 with two DC ages 10 & 7 and feel like I don’t know how I would every find someone again. I know I’m not ready to meet someone but then I can’t help but think he is starting his new life with her and I’m going to be lonely. His behaviour over the past year has left me feeling quite worthless, and I have no confidence in how I look at all. I look at photos of other women and think how would I find someone when there are people who look like that.

thanks for hanging in.

You really shouldn’t be agreeing to anything, you have a right to half his pension. Don’t sell yourself short now, it’s the future you need to think about.
Find a family solicitor and get some advice.

The financial order protects you both if you don't get it and in a few years time you win the lottery he can come after half your lottery win.

You just do a financial order - otherwise in 10 years he could come back asking for more (so could you to be fair)

The measure of your self worth isn’t defined by whether or not you are in a relationship, the fact a relationship ended or what your ex is doing. Relationships break down all the time, even for people who are famed for their talent, looks, and wit. This is a painful thing to go through but you are still you. People value you.

The house doesn’t need to get sold asap and you need to do a lot more work on the finances. You do need a financial order otherwise you leave a lot of loose ends that could unravel.

The first thing to do is learn a bit more about how assets are split in a divorce. The starting point is not 50:50. Whether you use mediation or lawyers or both the process will involve

1. Disclosure of assets. This is important as it will demonstrate you both had knowledge of all the assets when deciding how to split them. Even if there are assets and debts that won’t be split it’s important to disclose them.
2. Defining your needs. For most people this is basically your housing and pension. If you are co parenting needs will be same, a 2-3 bed home near the school. A pension when you get older
3. Working out your income and expenses post divorce. Income needs to be maximised. It’s not what you have as an income but what you could have.
4. Agreeing how the assets, income and expenses will facilitate securing your needs. If buying a home involves a mortgage, your ex needs less capital because he earns more. You need more capital because you earn less. Pensions are equalised.
5. Negotiating any adjustments to the split to align with choices. Some people don’t equalise pensions and instead take a larger share of equity and savings. Think long and hard over pensions. You do need a good pension.

A lot can be achieved without solicitors. Because a lot of the above is establishing fact not opinion for most people. If the facts are known then it is easier. When you have agreed a solicitor can once over, give some advice and then help with the order.

It’s certainly worth trying to do 1-3 between you in mediation. Then taking that information to a solicitor and asking what your share should be. Then making an offer.

TLDR. You are entitled to more and worth more.

In 20/30 years he can come after anything you own even if you purchased it after you divorced. Any house you might buy. Your pension. Any assets that are yours. Any inheritance. Definitely get a financial order.

MIL and FIL divorced over 15 years ago, no financial order. She’s now going after his pension because she doesn’t have a good one (years of raising children) it’s caused a lot of upset within the family as no one realised this could happen

Don’t let short term emotion get in the way of your children’s future - leaving his pension out of the calculations is the sort of reason why it’s good to get a solicitor involved. You need someone with a rational, experienced eye to help you. Be a Mumsnet cliche, get your Ducks In A Row - ie get a good grip on all the marital equity and invest in some good advice.

Of course it is all very raw right now - give yourself time, allow yourself to grieve, this has happened because of him, not because of you. FWIW xdh and I have both remarried and are both much happier now than we ever were together.

You do need legal advice and a financial order is essential. Take copies of all your documents, accounts, everything. See a solicitor. Making the best future for your children should be your priority at the moment. Try to do something positive for yourself every day. Things will improve.

That's not necessarily true. The OP is only 35, her children are old enough that she can work and she has a lot of time to save a pension. We also don't know how much of the pension was saved during the marriage, how much was saved before it or how old the husband is. It might also be the case that neither pension is worth very much and it is not financially viable to do a transfer.

I agree that a financial order is appropriate but you need to be in possession of all the facts before you know what the likely outcome is going to be (and even then, you will only be able to estimate a range).

This video will help you on recovery. I am also going through a split and I have this on repeat.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CxHLTk5uSik/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

Yeah solicitors are a huge thing to think about before going to one because of how insanely expensive they can be. It’s crazy. I wanted to share this free resource that might help you if you need it and can’t shell out thousands for the divorce. http://iamlip.com/ it’s a bunch of free help guides that can guide you through the divorce/separation process. It saved me a lot because I couldn’t afford a solicitor, although my friend used this alongside a solicitor to save money by doing some of it herself e.g. forms.
Hope this can help! It’ll give you guidance and information on what to do.

Bag up his clothes, change the locks and ask him to find alternative accommodation before he gets back from holiday. He can always stay with his new GF. I'm not convinced this nesting idea will work for you, but see how it works for him. He gets to live in two worlds. Family man at home, single man outside. Appoint a local divorce lawyer. While he is away, go through all the records you can find about pensions and investments. You have a right to 50% of the marital assets and will need a financial order to protect your rights.

I haven't got one, we worked everything out privately though do need to get one drawn up at some point for the pension tying order. I filed online no solicitors involved.

Whether you can do it this way depends a lot on how much you have in terms of assets, how equal they are, mitigating factors etc. we decided on a 60/40 split in my favour with spousal maintenance until our dd with Sen is self sufficient, hopefully in a year or so. We never argued about money anyway and it's all very friendly

Oh and my reason for not typing up the financials is very unusual so outing, but let's just say, I'm the financially savvy one. I'm also the beneficiary of his workplace life assurance and widow's pension agreed - his idea

Is your h self employed? Be warned that if he is, he will be able to reduce Child Maintenance to tiny levels legally by tweaking his accounts.

Do you know how much his pension is worth? You might want to know the number before you turn down money that may be security that you need.

He might be reasonable now but you can't assume that he always will be. He will have new priorities and the promises that he makes now may not be adhered to unless legally required. You know that as a cheater he has the ability to lie to your face. Don't necessarily assume that things will stay so reasonable.

This is bad advice. The OP's ex has the same home rights as her; she has no right to change the locks and this kind of behaviour will escalate the situation and make the possibility of mediation harder.

@FSTraining fair enough, but she should ask him to move out voluntarily for her mental health. He's having his cake and eating it.

You do need a financial (consent) order. It doesn't need to cost loads if you can agree the split between yourselves. You will need a solicitor to write the consent order as it is a legal document. Read the Advice Now guides at the top of the page to get an idea of what is considered a fair split, and send it to your STBXH so he also knows what is expected.

@gotomomo He could change his expression of wishes on his life assurance and pension and you wouldn't even know.

Thanks for you help everyone. I’ve been really worried about finances as he is a much higher earner, I’m part time on a decent wage but nowhere near what he is on, so I think I’ve been scared to rock the boat with him incase he starts being hard work with money.
I think to involve solicitors, I was worried it would turn things nasty, but if it’s for the best I guess I need to face it all head on. HopefullY we can have an amicable conversation. He won’t apologise for how he has behaved and the lies he’s told which I think has made me feel quite resentful and I feel like I’ve spent the majority of my adult life with a complete stranger. That Instagram post was actually really helpful to listen to, so thank you.

Make clear to your lawyer that you want it to be open and civil. Friendly in tone, and about securing a fair outcome for you both. You basically need disclosure of all investments and pensions, and to offer to mediate a solution (to avoid animosity and costs). The point is that once this stuff agreed, you can both move forward as successful coparents.

She can ask, but if you also needs him to help pay the mortgage that just isn't going to be a realistic option for him.