Top Tips for dealing with a narcissist please

Hardheadedwoman39 · 2023-10-08T20:49:04+00:00

I have been trying to get out of the relationship for two years and am nearly fully untangled. But as anyone knows who has been in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits - it's never fully over when you have kids together. I need tips for how to co-parent, how to recover etc Thank you!

MistyBay · 08/10/2023 22:34

I feel your pain and am in similar situation - branding my STBX as narcissistic one minute, autistic the next and then thinking perhaps he’s just super together and strong and it’s me who has the problem. I think it’s worth noting that it’s not very helpful branding him a narcissist. It’s best that you can just accept you are different or just that he has a difficult or over confident personality. And then work at ways to reconcile differences for the sake of your DCs. Otherwise it’s like you are using the label to lay all the blame at his feet. That’s not going to help things moving forwards. It’s just too easy to write someone off like that.

adriftabroad · 10/10/2023 09:02

I waited until DD was 13, then completely no contact. NONE. I had to protect my DD from any contact with him. Lived apart. Filed for divorce which he contested.

She has absolutely no interest in seeing him (refuses) and him no interest in seeing her. She has seen a court psychologist. He has been arrested for domestic violence. (Psychological and financial abuse)

Also taken 2 years to date but I am nearly there (I hope)

The answer is NO CONTACT.
How old are the DCs? He will control you through them and make everyones life hell. Good luck. If he truly has NPD he will not care and enjoy the process.

No contact is the only answer. Or, separate phone, just for him. Text on it once a week for DC arrangements only. Which shoud be set in stone. No discussions.

The age of DCs is vital. I agree, labeling him is not helpful. But you should read as it will help you. True NPD is rare. Narcicisstic traits are common and different. We all have them!

olderbutwiser · 10/10/2023 09:22

It depends entirely what he is doing. What’s the problem?

FSTraining · 10/10/2023 10:30

My advice is that it's not your place to diagnose someone. Experience in practice taught me that spouses who claimed their exes were narcissists were more often than not divorcing someone who wouldn't agree with what they wanted from the split.

I'm in no position to diagnose anyone either and without a formal diagnosis, labelling someone with a disorder could be considered a form of emotional abuse. Leave diagnoses to the professionals.

Quitelikeit · 10/10/2023 10:34

Set the contact schedule in stone.

block his number and block from all social platforms

create a email address that you will check once a week (prior to contact) to see if there is anything relevant you need to know.

m don’t respond to silly things in the email keep it all factual

ideally court ordered contact is the best way

Gettingbysomehow · 10/10/2023 10:36

Grey rock.
But the court decided in the end my ex was not a fit father and he wasn't allowed any contact with my DS.

CutiePatooties · 10/10/2023 10:36

It’s hard to give tips when we don’t know anything about the hurdles you are facing.

What exactly are the problems here?

Original poster

Hardheadedwoman39 · 10/10/2023 12:13

Thank you for all of the advice.

I didn't diagnose him - professionals did.

I have a non molestation order in place and he has been arrested for assault.

There has also been financial abuse.

The children are 3 and 5 and he wants 50/50

He controls everything. We use a shared parenting app and he just puts things in that he's doing with the children regardless of whether it is his time with them.

He is currently threatening to take me to court unless I give him a greater share of the equity in the house.

I long for zero contact as it is making me unwell.

OP posts:

adriftabroad · 10/10/2023 12:45

OP, I apologise. That sounds horribly familiar. Almost identical actually. I did end up in hospital, you are right to protect yourself.

(It is just people bandy around the term "narc" and it annoys me as they just really mean a selfish arsehole.)

I also had non molestation order. Can your lawyer/the courts not see that he should not have much contact with the DCs?
Does he genuinely WANT access? Or just to control, control, control.

It sounds a nightmare. You shouldnt have an app. A email or phone that is just for him and checked once a week. I would be very concerned leaving such small DCs with him.
Like a PP said: everything set in stone. At 12 DCs will choose to live with you (if he has not manipulated them)

Why should you leave the house?
Why would you get less of the equity?
Why wouldhe begranted 50%?

💐TBH you hold the cards here and he knows it.

FSTraining · 10/10/2023 13:03

@adriftabroad I don't think it's quite correct to say the OP holds all the cards. Her STBXH could reduce or cease his employment to reduce child maintenance payments; leave the country to make collecting maintenance much more difficult or take the matter to court and wipe out all the equity on legal fees.

If he is a diagnosed Narc, he will probably do at least one of these things.

adriftabroad · 10/10/2023 17:03

I do not think "all the cards", some of the cards.More than she thinks.

I absolutely agree he will tryand do one of those things.

My DH has moved all his money abroad. Not registered property he secretly owns. However, I have been using my 2 years wisely. The judge has demanded proof of all assets (in 20 days) because he has a criminal record (as does the OPs STBXH) OP also has two ery small DCs.

It will not look good.

Judges are used to this.

adriftabroad · 10/10/2023 17:05

Both I and STBXH are banned from leaving the country.

Original poster

Hardheadedwoman39 · 10/10/2023 17:35

That's a really interesting point about holding all or at least some of the cards. I think under the crushing weight of his behaviour I forget that there are things I too can control or rather manage.

He goes into rages and as he can't direct them at me he gets his solicitor to send vile bizarre emails - my initial response is to dissolve and then I later realise he is basically having a tantrum because he feels out of control.

He is currently living away at his parents house and carefully constructing the reality that he is the victim - it's quite pathetic but at least means the kids only see him two days a week.

How are all your situations now?

OP posts:

adriftabroad · 10/10/2023 18:45

Yes, narcissitic rage and making out to be the victim. I have out and out proveable lies.

I no longer respond and he no longer scares me.

I have 15 days to wait.
Good news about DCs not seeing him. Good news you have a tiny bit of space.
He will never get 50% at this stage (IMO)

He will be terrified. Deep down. I assure you.

midnightblue12 · 10/10/2023 18:56

Yes I've been there.
2 young children, divorce....

You need minimal contact. No matter how secure he may make you feel or allure you to think he's changed... he won't have.
You may be tempted to send the odd pic of your child at a proud moment or confide in him... don't.
Minimal contact will give you breathing space.
You need to start living your life without him and once that becomes normal it won't be as hard.

Don't let him convince you he's changed... he won't. Trust me!

Original poster

Hardheadedwoman39 · 10/10/2023 19:07

Fear not the going back days are finally over, after moving out twice and coming back believing it would be different.

The point you make @midnightblue12 about being tempted to share a photo or confide is spot on. It's a natural instinct but I know from bitter experience that he weaponise everything.

@adriftabroad the point you make about him being scared - I forget this but you're right.

Thank you

OP posts:

ToastMarmalade · 10/10/2023 19:12

You need to get his demands out of your head.

centre everything on you and your kids. What you need. Which isn’t 50/50 for a start. If he wants to go to court. Fine.

Just doggedly stick to this and most importantly enjoy your family. Feel good as now you can be a parent without him in your ear. Do nice things with the kids and if possible work part time so that you can help support you and your kids. It’s tough being a single parent with an ex who undermines you so you do need more than most parents.

Original poster

Hardheadedwoman39 · 10/10/2023 21:35

@ToastMarmalade The demands and versions of me - I need to ignore both.

I have to work nearly full time unfortunately but very flexible hours so I can be around a lot for the children.

It's weird I am enjoying my time with the kids so so much more - what used to be stressful is t anymore.

Thank you

OP posts:

adriftabroad · 10/10/2023 22:09

Yes, "his versions of you" is such a good way of expressing it.

All those birthdays and Christmases he no doubt ruined. Definitely so much happier and easier going forward. It would have got worse and worse.

Borris · 10/10/2023 22:36

I would say stick to cold hard facts in communications. Short and snappy.

He will likely throw accusations or slurs at you. Don't engage - you'll never win the argument or change his mind. Instead just respond to anything that needs a factual answer - eg timings, venues etc.

A thumbs up emoji in response to a ranty text gives me an unbelievable sense of well-being.

FSTraining · 11/10/2023 10:08

Hardheadedwoman39 · 10/10/2023 17:35

That's a really interesting point about holding all or at least some of the cards. I think under the crushing weight of his behaviour I forget that there are things I too can control or rather manage.

He goes into rages and as he can't direct them at me he gets his solicitor to send vile bizarre emails - my initial response is to dissolve and then I later realise he is basically having a tantrum because he feels out of control.

He is currently living away at his parents house and carefully constructing the reality that he is the victim - it's quite pathetic but at least means the kids only see him two days a week.

How are all your situations now?

Again, you need to exercise some caution. Solicitors are bound by ethics so there are limits to what they will agree to send. You need to be careful to work out what is "reasonable" in law and what is just vile.