Handling social situations

[Stellapluvia]

I'm in the process of separating from my long term partner and would love to hear people's suggestions for managing social situations as I'm finding this part particularly stressful.

We have a large group of mutual friends and are part of an extended community. Things have been messy because we were on / off for a while in the course of trying to make things work plus we are having to still live together in the short term and so for a while we continued to do things together. However, since my ex told me he has been intimate with several members of the group / community (both while we were together and split up) I have struggled to engage in the same way socially as I feel ashamed and betrayed. I'm also resentful that the person he is in public is not the person I experience at home. He is fun, friendly and charming with others but tends to be grumpy and critical with me. I stopped going out as much within the group / community but started to feel very isolated. I have seen a therapist about my feelings which helped and over the summer I enjoyed trying new things and making new friends. However I don't want to lose contact with my friends within the old group / community completely. (Particularly as I plan to move to a new city when I can). I've tried maintaining some friendships separately but people inevitably ask me to group events where I don't feel as comfortable. I struggle to know what to say as I don't want to bad mouth my ex (I've tried explaining my experience to some people but think this probably ends up looking bad on me as he seems so different to them). I've also tried asking my ex if we can share social occasions for a while. He's so far refused although I'm open to keep trying. Ultimately though, I'm weighing up if I keep trying to persist with these old friendships or if it would be better to remove myself from the group / community situation completely and have a fresh start. (With all the sadness of losing people I like and shared some really good times with).

I'd love any helpful thoughts and suggestions about the best way to handle this, with thanks.

Sorry OP, that all sounds horrible and stressful and difficult. You feel betrayed because you have been.

If you have positive other things going on, it might be best to focus on them and not see too much of people who keep you tied to your past - especially if they kept quiet about your husband’s infidelity. How good are they as friends?

PS the shame is his - not yours. If you do want to keep seeing the group, you hold your head high.

Am I reading correctly that he cheated on you with various members of this friendship group?

If so, why do you want to be friends with them?

Do you think they all know he was working his at through all of them or do you think some/all of his OW think they were the only one?

I'd be tempted to tell the member of the group with the biggest mouth just how many of them he'd slept with and then walk away and leave that news to detonate.

If I was you. I start afresh. How can you trust people in that group if they kept your ex's cheating a secret from you?

I'd make new friends who aren't lying to you by omission.

There is no shame in a relationship ending. There is no shame in being cheated on. Your ex partner should be ashamed of cheating and he is also the one who betrayed you.

I would give the group and community a break on whether they “betrayed” you. Most or many may not have known he cheated. Additionally your relationship status comes across as vague. The fact you have been off and on, are in the “process” of separating, attend events as a couple and want that to continue, would lead to a lot of confusion on everyone’s part. Why do you need to present as a couple? It’s an odd expectation for you and them.

I don’t know whether you should try to maintain links to this group or community. What do you mean by this ? It sounds strange as you can only maintain friendships with individuals even if you socialise in larger groups.

You aren’t a couple and you cannot expect to attend things as a couple. And of course you won’t get on now you have split, hence his rudeness to you. I don’t think that is hard to figure out.

Why are you still living together? I honestly think this is not healthy for you.