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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Tips for a less traumatic divorce?

21 replies

onthebrink23 · 29/09/2023 21:00

Hello, hoping for some advice/ tips/ pearls of wisdom. Decided after 2 months of separation (20 years together) that divorce is the only option. He says he wants us but isn't seeing us, not working, barely replying to communication & actions speak louder, right? How do I make the next steps as least painful as possible? We have 3 kids & a history of control. Anything that worked for you/ you wish you had done/ first steps?! Thank you x

OP posts:
DarklySparkly · 29/09/2023 21:13

New patio. Mine would have been so much simpler. Sorry, no more sensible suggestions. Solidarity, I’m sorry you’re going through this 💐

DarklySparkly · 29/09/2023 21:14

*you’re

Original poster
onthebrink23 · 29/09/2023 22:27

@DarklySparkly doh! Just done the garden! 😂
Your support is enough. Hope you're happy. Guess I'll just learn a lot... better armour up 😬

OP posts:
Isheabastard · 29/09/2023 23:05

The behaviour that makes you want to leave him, will go into overdrive.

So my stbxh tried to control me and tell me what I should be doing. Ie I shouldn’t get a solicitor, or ask for a pension split valuation. Not because he didn’t want me to do it, but because I was making it adversarial when it didn’t need to be.

He said these were things I didn’t need to do, and when I didn’t agree he got soooooo angry. He also insisted that I tell him I understood how difficult this was for him and had sympathy for him. (I did say it, but didn’t believe it).

So be ready for that. My husbands idea of an amicable split was that I just agree to everything he said.

peanutbutterkid · 30/09/2023 07:22

my almostX was controlling about petty little things, but I totally ignored his weird obsessions (often listed on MN actually by MNers who resent their partners). He wasn't sophisticated enough to play big mind games.

I dunno what OP means by "history of control". My divorce has ended up being amicable. Almost the first thing almost-X said was "Thank goodness we're both too frugal to want to waste a lot of money on lawyers being nasty to each other." so I guess the frugality won over any desire to play control games.

muchalover · 30/09/2023 07:27

It's a process. Try to depersonalise it for your own well-being.

Also, knobs gotta knob. Meaning he will be exactly the person that made you decide to divorce him.

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 30/09/2023 07:37

Pretty much what @Isheabastard said!

Apparently I got a SHL because I was being adversarial…

but his ‘on the back of a fag packet’ numbers sure didn’t add up… 🤔

It was a control issue. Get good legal advice.

Mine went from conciliatory behaviour to threatening to send ‘people’ round. Just be ready for that…

Good Luck.

Original poster
onthebrink23 · 30/09/2023 08:10

So helpful (and scary).
Control as in had all control over our finances, when to go out, where to get a job, how many hours etc (I didn't always see it). There's been DV etc (but again, I always excused or blanked out).
I'm waiting to have the discussion of all the legal/ money stuff but he's now avoiding me. I didn't think it fair to start proceedings without this but not sure he is being fair. I suppose if all the bad stuff is exaggerated, at least it will be telling me I'm doing the right thing. Just need my big girl pants on. Thanks all!

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 30/09/2023 08:26

I'd be quietly doing some digging in the background about finances before you officially start anything. Get details of salary, pensions, savings if you can. If he's been controlling, he could try and hide stuff.

Get ahead of the game if you can.

sadaboutmycat · 30/09/2023 08:34

Never slag him off to/ infront of your children. It can be so hard, but it's for the best. They will see his behaviour for themselves anyway, but don't need to hear things from you. My now adult children tell me that it helped them a lot during a father induced split when they were little.

Onestepforwardseveryday · 30/09/2023 15:21

I have no advice to add as I am only in the initial stages myself.
But it’s been refreshing and reassuring to see that the behaviours that have led to divorce have ramped up for everyone after starting an application to divorce. I thought I was alone in this and that most people reach the decision to divorce and go through it without such negativity.
this behaviours have massively ramped up here, threats, coercion, refusal to cooperate and making life totally miserable.

DarklySparkly · 30/09/2023 16:33

@onthebrink23 although I still have a very black sense of humour about it, it was entirely worthwhile, both for my life afterwards (happily married to a lovely man with two wonderful children) and for the Decree Nisi and Absolute which said something along the lines of “Judge Sherlock agrees that because ExDarklySparkly advertised his wife for sex on the internet without her consent she cannot reasonably be expected to continue to be married to him”. That validation is very valuable. Life beyond divorce is tough initially but it gets better and it’s so much better than being married to a controlling arse.

DarklySparkly · 30/09/2023 16:34

And also get as much evidence as you can of any of the reasons you’re divorcing him. I took lots of screenshots from his laptop.

Original poster
onthebrink23 · 30/09/2023 17:07

@DarklySparkly did he do that?! I'm so sorry! Glad you're new life is a happy one. Do I really need evidence? Thought everything was no blame these days? Eek!

OP posts:
DarklySparkly · 30/09/2023 17:09

@onthebrink23 it may have changed, I got shot ten years ago. If you don’t need evidence that makes it easier but it was worth it for the satisfaction of knowing he had to read it too.

Original poster
onthebrink23 · 30/09/2023 17:11

@Onestepforwardseveryday I'm sorry it's so crap for you. I have a huge support network but come on here as feel it's really unbiased, blunt and from experience. Here if you ever need a rant/ reassurance. Good luck to us both, hey?! And their poor behaviour just emphasises our decision. (I have to remind myself of this). Mine has just turned up today & I have still to learn the word no.

OP posts:
Mumof3confused · 30/09/2023 22:09

Gather evidence of as much as you can (assets, savings, pensions, debts) and get legal advice. Mediation is not advised when there has been a history of abuse. Do you have access to your own money? Be prepared for him to block your access to funds so that you can’t afford to fight him. Don’t believe a word he says to you now.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 01/10/2023 06:02

So be ready for that. My husbands idea of an amicable split was that I just agree to everything he said.

Yes, my exH also thought he got to decide everything. Which was how he was during our marriage, too, so not surprising.

It's definitely worth taking some advice before speaking to him, and if (quite likely) he isn't open to discussion, then continue negotiation through a lawyer. Especially if there was DV 🙁

Brace yourself, but it will be worth it!

JamNittyGritty · 01/10/2023 06:13

Find a good mediator to help you negotiate the financial / property / childcare parts of the divorce. We went to one, took about 5 sessions and, whilst still difficult, made it all so much less acrimonious than it would have been otherwise.

JamNittyGritty · 01/10/2023 06:17

sorry - I just replied to your first post without reading through the others- not sure mediation would be the right approach as there’s been dv. It takes both working together with the mediator and I doubt this would feel safe for you.

Bemyclementine · 02/10/2023 11:05

Don't waste time waiting for him or worrying about his reaction. I'm literally YEARS into the process. Nearly there though!

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