How do I hold off until January?

[Iwillbefinealo1ne]

Long-time lurker, first time poster on MN. Never thought I’d be in this situation.

I’ve been together with DH for 7 years but we only got married this June (Covid then ill health in the family delayed the wedding. We own our house jointly, no other significant assets. No DC, tried for years but it didn’t happen for us. We’re both late 30s.

Last week I noticed one of DH’s devices (new tablet perhaps, he got this last Christmas) is syncing history to the family account - noticed Only Fans in the history last Monday. Looked into it, he has subscribed to this and similar websites, and I can see the women he’s searched for and that he has subscriptions. He’s posted on one of the websites too. I googled the accounts and it’s prostitutes, he’s definitely not joined for cooking or DIY videos. He’s accessing the chat/messaging feature too. I don’t have access to his devices so I can’t log in to see exactly what he’s been doing, can just see the history. He seems to have started a month before our wedding.

He’s also stopped sharing location history with the family account around the same time - this is a setting he wanted both of us to have on before. No changes in his working hours/routine, but now I wonder if he’s met anyone in person. The women in the history are not UK-based from what I searched.

I’m heartbroken. We have an active sex life and we agreed early on that sexting with other people is cheating so there is no way back from this. I think I have to wait until next June to start divorce proceedings. He doesn’t know I found out.

The issue is this: I accepted a 12-month international assignment for work from next year. DH very excited to come along, he is in IT and can work remote most of the time. He’ll have a work visa through me as we have to apply as a family now that we are married. I need him to come with me to the interviews and medical exams for this visa - this needs to be done for all family members even ones who are not coming with.

If I kick him out now I’m sure he will refuse to come along. I can’t apply without him unless we are divorced. I looked into this at work with the HR team (monthly meeting before the move) and I can change the application to say he’s not coming with but it doesn’t change the requirements for medicals and the interview, which are scheduled for mid-December and the first week of January (earliest I could get). I talked to an immigration lawyer on Friday and I can’t tick ‘divorced’ on the visa application unless we actually are, or at least filed the petition. I feel so stuck and my head is spinning.

Thankfully he is going into the office this month to get a new project started so I have a bit of space to think. I am working from
home for a few weeks, requested this from my boss who is not happy but I think it’s better than crying in the office.

How do I hold off until January to gave a go at him for this? I don’t want to lose the assignment. Any advice welcome.

So you keep risking STI’s for a job ? I’d kick him out now.

If you've made your mind up, can you not just file the petition now?

Keep your powder dry, proceed as planned, get everything you need in place then tell him he’s not going with you and you’re filing for divorce as soon as the 12 months is up in June.

You need to compartmentalise. Can you volunteer for any other work trips away in the meantime to minimise your interactions with him? Or can a friend need assistance with a crisis so you get to spend a few weekends apart?

I would do it in bite size chunks - so need to manage until Friday then spend the night at friend Sarah’s to get a break. Then 10 days later volunteer to do a work meeting in Manchester - spend 2 nights if you can drag it out. Then following weekend encourage him to go away with friends etc.

Be careful of your posting history remember these cheaters look for their behaviour in you. Hence he wanted shared visibility initially as he judges you by his standards.

Use the time to plan plan plan. Get everything all good to go in Jan.

and then enjoy his shock

no children?

Don’t warn him that you are serving papers as that will get him to change his behaviour and put you on the back foot. I’d get the move lined up all belongings put into storage. I’d try and get him to follow a few days later and serve papers after you have left. In your situation I couldn’t be bothered with the crying and begging that is about to occur…

Oh and you need to find a way to not have sex so as to not be put at risk. A medical issue is the best option, maybe people here have suggestions.

Thank you everyone! I’ll try and engineer some time apart to get some space away from him.

I really appreciate your replies, I thought my life was great until last week and it’s a lot to process alone.

Thank you! I hadn’t thought to leave it until the move but it would be the easiest in terms of dealing with him afterwards. I’ll line up a solicitor so I can deal with the house sale from abroad.

I’m going between being heartbroken and feeling so sad that my life is changing, and being determined to take practical steps to move forward. It’s exhausting, and I’m not working well with all of this going on.

I agree with @Fairymcclary. Get everything you need sorted and then drop him from a great height.

I think dealing with the practicalities and focusing on the 12 months ahead is your key to coping. Throw all your energy into being organised and push this out of your mind.

If you confront him and he lies that he was only looking (remember he’s a proven liar), blames you, argues, cries and wails and begs - with promises to chain and tearful stories about how x in his past (or you) made him do this. It will make the next few months for you so much harder.

Regardless of telling him vs hiding your plans - your life is in turmoil. He has thrown a grenade into your life regardless. You are upset and devastated regardless. The fact your head is cool enough to post on here rather than confronting him immediately shows you have got the capability of handling this in your best interest. So play the long game. Plan and focu - for you. He has his best interests at heart you have yours at heart. It would be in his interests to stop you going so he has easy access to you to beg and plead for 12 months. Abroad you can block and move on.

12 months is a long time to get over him. 12 months is a drop in the ocean reconciling with a cheater - you will still be reeling in 12 months if you stay with him. The personality traits he has that allow him to cheat are the same traits that make it difficult to reconcile (lying, unable to communicate, shame, selfishness, poor coping mechanisms, compartmentalisation, thinking that he needs or deserves more than you do in a relationship, lack of empathy, accountability, unable to stand by his word, lack of integrity, valudation from external sources, morality, poor self worth , low self esteem).

Cheating is always on the cheater - it’s down to their values. He has a but in his monogamy. I believe in fidelity but not if my wife doesn’t know. I believe in fidelity but not if it’s a one night hook up. He believe in fidelity but paying for sex doesn’t count. Finding out his But will take time and effort.

You cannot make someone break their own integrity (short of forcing at gun point etc). A vegetarian does not eat meat. This is their choice. If you offer to take them to the best steak restaurant in town they will decline. If you give them a lovely bacon sandwich they decline. They don’t eat haribos in secret! They are vegetarian in public and private. Nothing you do can change that decision, it’s down to their integrity and choices.

My choice to be faithful to my husband is based on my integrity. I do it for me. I’m faithful for me. My word is important to me. My husband is the collateral damage to my integrity.

Don’t let this affect your self esteem. Read cheating in a nutshell. Work on you.

Sorry for being so cynical but I honestly think that nearly all men do this one way or another - even if it's just paying for porn.

the internet has just bought it right under their noses and normalised it.

it's why I don't want a relationship again. I find it filthy and I can't respect anyone who 'uses' it.

I acknowledge that I am probably considered prim and I don't really care. I just think the more access people have to porn the more they need to increase their exposure to get the same affect.

It's absolutely a downhill spiral.

Thank you @Fairymcclary, I keep rereading your last post to give me the resolve I need. You have been fabulous, thank you!

@DustyLee123 It’s not just a job assignment, once I’ve been there for a year I can apply to stay and it’s a country I’ve always wanted to experience. Especially now, it’s a chance to have a new life well away from him. Being unable to get the work visa would really damage my career and I’d have to let my assigned clients know I can’t go. It’s a small industry and I was hoping to pick up freelance work with them if I ever decide to go self-employed closer to retirement. I agree I need to not let him touch me in the meantime.

This morning I am just overcome with grief and can’t stop crying. I can’t believe he’s thrown away our life plans for some cheap online thrills. Need to pull myself together as I have meetings soon and need to be on camera but it’s so difficult.

@MistyBay I think you are right and I don’t plan to get married or live with a man again. I wasn’t expecting him to not glance at another woman ever, but paying for personal subscriptions to receive direct messages and videos from sex workers, and posting God-knows-what on those websites crosses all boundaries for me, and he knows that. Why get married if you’re going to start doing this a month before the wedding, I just can’t understand. If he wanted to do this he could have been honest and ended the relationship first. I would have preferred to cancel the wedding than have to go through this mess.

I’m truly sorry for what you are going through OP.

I’m sorry op. It’s not you. There are plenty of books you can read but don’t go down the unmet needs road. You cannot make someone break their vows or cause their lack of integrity. Sadly you are not that powerful!

I wish you all the best Op.

This.

I think he’s an absolute arsehole and I’ll never forgive him for this. I always encouraged him to talk to me about anything he’d like to try, whether in bed or just in general, and made it clear that cheating was not ok. I just wish it hurt less and it was easier to pretend until I leave abroad. Never thought my marriage would end so soon and that it would end like this.

I had no complaints about our relationship prior to this which makes it even harder. He compliments me all the time, helps a lot around the house and his family are lovely. They are my main support network as mine live outside of the UK. Going abroad together was going to be such an adventure as well. I know I need to stop mourning what will never be and toughen up, and still it’s so hard to stop crying.

Thank you everyone for your comments.

Whilst I agree total arse hole

i can’t imagine describing my relationship as pretty much “perfect” but then finding evidence of online activity and, on the basis of that, without talking to him thinking it’s definitely over without any hope.

How long had you been married? No children?

sorry you had no complaints about your relationship and were seemingly in love with him but suddenly all live is gone and divorce because of porn? that's what only fans is it's literal porn of today. we had the paintings, the postcards, magazines, then the websites now we have only fans. Have you really thought about this? i mean at least give him a chance to explain and figure stuff out together before you give up on an otherwise loving relarionship. you really could be cutting your own nose off to spite your face if he's the love of your life

We agreed boundaries in our relationship and direct messages to and from sex workers, and posting on those websites for further interactions as well, definitely cross them. How can I stay with him and not look over my shoulder now? I feel like the trust is gone. I’ve been cheated on before and he knows lying about other women and cheating are not things I would forgive, and chose to do this regardless.

I already know what he will say, that he was ‘just looking’, that he didn’t realise it crossed a boundary and that he won’t do it again. I don’t think that’s good enough and I deserve better.

He’ll be home soon so I won’t post more until tomorrow.

Any children op?

No we don’t have children, we tried but couldn’t have them and in the end accepted being childless. It’s just the two of us sharing a house.

@jolaylasofia I don’t think accessing a porn site and watching what is available for free is the same as choosing specific women to exchange direct messages with. There is a lot of intent to interact with specific people on Only Fans, he’s posted on there too, and that’s why it’s a deal breaker. I’ve asked recently if there is anything new/different he wants to try and he’s said no, but has the headspace to tell this to the women he subscribes to.

He’s also done this during a good happy time in our relationship. There are many stressors we haven’t gone through yet, bereavement, work issues, moving abroad, other events when you have to choose to be with the other person and have their back. He chose to cross a boundary when there was no trigger at all. He wanted the marriage and said he enjoyed planning the wedding.

I’m going to stop looking into it, saw everything I need, but it began with free porn sites back in February which doesn’t cross a boundary for us and he could have stopped there. By the end of May he wasn’t sharing his location history (not that I ever asked him to share it in the first place, but why the change) and started with Only Fans and other websites. He was messaging these women the day before our wedding.

I feel like he keeps looking for the next thrill. I also don’t trust him anymore, he’s going into the office a lot more which is not unusual at the beginning of a project, but now I’m wondering if he’s really there. No one is worth living like this for. I am really angry, I still love him but I won’t put myself through a life on wondering what he’s up to.

Thank you everyone for your comments, you kept me sane yesterday, at one point I was about to throw his clothes out of the window. I need to work on checking out and getting everything organised for next year.

Op if you can do it discretely get counselling for yourself. Sack anyone who subscribes to unmet needs theory. Do this later if there is a risk he will find out.

When he realises you know he will twist his truth and say whatever he thinks will keep you with him. He has chosen to do this while saying his marriage vows. Shame on him. That’s his integrity - he makes promises he isn’t prepared to keep. Why waste your one precious life with him?

None of this is about you. You no doubt meet 80% of his ‘needs’ but he thinks he deserves 100% but isn’t prepared to tell you and let you join the party! If you examine closely you will see other selfish traits.

With no kids and a short marriage I totally can see why you wouldn’t waste your breathe on him or listen to his excuses.