Pregnant and he’s still married to ex

[pregnantmamma]

I met my now partner 7 years ago, we were friends for many years before and both in different relationships. He was married in the time we knew each other - no children. I have three children from previous.
We got together officially a year ago after he announced he had ended things with his wife. She had already moved 200 miles away for work.
he always wanted children (she couldn’t have) , my clock was ticking and I said six months in I would be happy to have a baby if he files divorce paperwork from her as I didn’t want that to not be official should we conceive.
She basically never responded to his application now 9 months ago, has spun him round in circles - cancelling calls with lawyers At the last minute. Insists on calls with him about the divorce then abuses him. He’s not very good on paperwork side and didn’t want to appoint lawyers, she did. He offered her 90% of what was in their accounts (a substantial amount) and paid her rent for a year. For a clean break. She never formally accepted in writing, just verbally but not with a lawyer.

i was very upset he offered her that as we are expecting a child….. anyway 9 months on and the 26 week divorce process has never started as she never responded to the divorce . I’ve only found out this week. It’s broken my heart. I’m upset and feel embarrassed and hurt he’s going to be married to her when our child is born. We’ve been talking about getting married next summer, he’s likely to still be married to her until at least the spring. We’ve been looking to move home to accomodate our new baby. We can’t buy until the divorce is complete.

he’s scared of upsetting her by pushing proceedings as she is very fragile about the divorce and is clearly stalling. She doesn’t know I’m a pregnant. I’ve said it’s time to put my feelings first not hers and whilst I don’t think she needs to know I’m pregnant he needs to stop spinning in circles with her misleading him. It’s always “next week the paper will be done” next week the lawyer will organise a call - that’s been going on since early this year.

I lvoe my partner so much but this is agonising for me being 10 weeks away from giving birth , him being married still, our dream of buying a home to fit our family and getting married.

any advice welcome

I'm sorry but I don't think he's moved on from her. He is being ridiculous and should have just sorted it out with a lawyer ages ago.

he’s scared of upsetting her by pushing proceedings as she is very fragile about the divorce and is clearly stalling.

He has no intention of divorcing her.

Unfortunately divorce can take years when one party is unwilling. Your partner is going to have to see what he can do via a solicitor. Presumably he can proceed anyway if he has proof she has been served with papers.. then best he pushes for mediation as most reasonable people agree at mediation. Fingers crossed that will resolve it

You have three children but your clock was ticking for another child with a married man. It's done now but in future wait for actions not words.

He had been separated for 7 months at that point we discussed…. And filed the paperwork 2 months before we conceived…..! He was not in a relationship with her at that point.

Yes she’s since taken a job in Europe. So her living overseas after already living 200 miles away. I think he was trying to be sensitive as she wanted to be a mother but couldn’t be…

You’re not divorced until you’re divorced and he’s nowhere near divorced. You could and should have waited for him to go through with it, as you didn’t there’s no advice that’ll help at this point is there?

You’re right that he should be putting your feelings above hers but he hasn’t, you’ve put up with it, you’re having a baby anyway, so he has no reason to change.

It sounds shit but he’s your problem, not his wife.

This is ridiculous. He doesn't want to upset her by sorting the divorce properly but has still decided to get you pregnant knowing she couldn't have kids? That makes loads of sense.

Unfortunately you may have to prepare yourself that his divorce could take a long time. If both parties willing, it can be done and dusted in a year.

If one unreasonable then unfortunately it can be 3 or 4 years to get to end of court proceedings for financial order if assets to fight over.

If its important to you that he is divorced i think you need to explain to him how important it is and that he needs to push on with solicitor and court proceedings irrespective of what ex does. Good luck.

I suggest you don't show your disappointment. I would wait till the baby is born then start nudging him gently. That baby needs to know his parents are married, baby needs somewhere permanent to live etc. If he is a decent man that should do the trick. In any case, you can't get him divorced before your due date, so why stress out? One pitfall to watch out for - I personally know a couple of women whose partners turned horrible towards the children from previous relationships once their own child is born. It's not common but happens.

Well I hope you plan on giving your dc your surname.... He ain't to be trusted op.

I’m not sure if you’re being gullible OP or a bit desperate. You already had 3 children but have opted to have another with a man who wanted a child more than his wife.
Respectfully You only know what he’s telling you which by your own words hasn’t been truthful .

What will a fourth child give you that the first three haven't?

He's been telling you the oldest lies in the world.

He has no intention of divorcing her: if a spouse doesn't respond to a divorce submission they have only so long before the divorce rolls on without them. After 6 months the spouse who's not acting is him.

Sorry to bear bad news but don't give this louse a moment longer. Sort out your future now. He's got no plans to be part of it.

Your post puts a lot of the blame on his ex. He is the one who has let you down, not her.

I think you've got your rose tinted glasses on OP and it's gonna end up in tears for you and your little one!

Be wary that him living with you (difficult to deny if you are having his child) will likely effect the divorce asset split as he will be considered 'adequatly housed' and therefore needs are lower.