Grieving a rebound relationship- am I really grieving my husband?

[Fourweekplan]

Hi everyone, this is really complicated emotionally. I will try to explain…

In March, my husband left me after 30 years together. It was very sudden and a traumatic loss.

I felt like I wanted him back until about a month ago when I met someone new, most unexpectedly (wasn’t looking for it at all).

I am still in touch with this new person but I think they’re trying to step away from being in a relationship.

The thing I’m really confused about is the impact on my grief.

When I met the new person it’s like my grief disappeared overnight and I felt alive again.
I also felt ready to let go of my husband and the idea of wanting him back.

Now that the prospect of a new relationship is feeling less likely, my grief is back but I don’t want my husband back , so my brain is telling me that I’m grieving this new man (who I am mind blowingly attracted to and deeply infatuated with).

Its just occurred to me that maybe I’m not actually grieving this new man who I was/ am convinced could have been my new soul mate, and that it’s more about a different kind of loss.

any grief experts about? How do you really know who or what you’re grieving? Surely it should be obvious!

You could be grieving for the loss of what you saw as a fresh start.
I am a widow and have read on many widow forums that the end of their first relationship after being widowed hits as hard as their initial loss, or feels like it. Maybe it triggers something deep down unresolved.
I wouldn't be too hard on yourself, it takes a bit of courage to try a new relationship after a long term relationship. Don't let this experience put you off.

I don't think March-august is long enough to grieve/ come to terms with the end of such a long marriage so I do think this is perhaps you feeling emotions about your marriage which maybe hadnt surfaced whilst you were thinking about this new chap

I expect you're right. It's really not been very long since your marriage broke up so the new relationship maybe distracted you from that grief temporarily.

I think you may be grieving the hope that you felt at the idea of a new start. I think you probably have a lot of emotions swirling around. I deliberately left it 2 years before dating after my DH left just because I wanted to stabilise myself first. But do what what’s right for you and what makes you feel good and be kind to yourself.

Thank you so much everyone for your wisdom. Such insightful responses xx

I wasn’t looking to date either … we met at a work conference @BettyBallerina it really took me by surprise.

Do people in a vulnerable state from attachments more easily do you think??

@BettyBallerina I agree, it's definitely wise to have some time for yourself between relationships

I understand how you feel. After the end of a long marriage, it took me years to even think of dating . The first few men made me feel desirable and raised the possibility of having a second chance. When these ended even if it was short term , it felt like rejection all over again. Raised all those horrible feelings . And once again, I feel as bereft and lonely as I did when my marriage ended .

The first person I had sex with after my husband died is someone I still think of every day, years later. I'm not sure how to disentangle the threads of what was grief, what was lust, what was distraction,.what was attraction. Tbh I did quite quickly find much greater peace once I was out of contact with him. It also helped to write a lot of things down. Reading what I wrote when I was with him, I'm not sure I was clinically sane. Afterwards I wrote a lot of bad poetry which helped a lot.

I don't think people have to be alone when they are working through past loss - we'd be alone most if the time if so. But yes, a few months is a very short time to even remember who you are as a single person. I wish you well.

Also, I agree about grieving something like what could feel like your hope for a new start

Vulnerable people might bond more easily, yes

@Fourweekplan
You may not be grieving either man.You may just be grieving the absence or idea of being in a relationship.

@PermanentTemporaryand @Soonenough thank you so much for sharing your experiences.

Interesting idea about grieving the possibility of a certain future. I will really reflect on that.

In other news he’s been back in touch… maybe his ears were burning! Trying not to let my head spin too much!

The new relationship elated you and filled you with a sense of 'it's all going to be ok. I don't miss my ex and I'm happy' so when it fails you have to confront the reality that life isn't this new perfect thing you've mentally created to relieve the pain of the end of your marriage.