Am I doing the right thing? Financial settlement

[bringonyourwreckingball]

Been through mediation with STBXH and we have reached an agreement but I’m not sure. I think it’s the right thing to do but could use some reassurance.

we were together 22 years, married for nearly 19. Marriage ended because I found out he had had an ‘affair’ via a sugar daddy site, and previous to that had been shagging prostitutes whilst I thought he was at work.

prior to kids, we were both in the same profession earning similar amounts. After kids, that wasn’t sustainable. I took a step back, 4 days a week, still in a professional role but fixed hours. I did everything for the kids, every drop off and pick up, sick day etc. as a result he earns twice what I do.

The month after we separated due to me finding out about the serial infidelity I was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer. I have been very unwell and there is a high chance of it coming back.

2 kids, 17 and 15, they live with me.

the deal we have reached is non-property assets (pension, car etc) 50/50 and equity in the house 55/45 to me which means overall assets are 51/49 to me.

my solicitor thinks I would get more if I took it to court but I think that would cost more than the difference. I should just let that go, right?

I’m sorry I don’t know the answer, but will be following your thread as I’m in a similar position.
As in I’m considering taking less than I might get in court because I feel that my needs will be met and I will have financial security.
irs very hard but you have to weigh up the stress of court vs will you regret not handling it differently

In my case the complicating factor is inheritance/family money on his side which he is determined to ring fence but I’ve been told would be considered matrimonial assets.

That seems a bit low for me but court costs can add up.

Courts now insist you go to mediation before fighting in court so would you consider this route and see the outcome from this before deciding on what to do? I think you should be getting more of his pension since yours is reduced due to looking after the joint children. You could then barter for more house to leave him his pension intact. It doesn't have to be much more but sometimes it's the difference between struggling and being okay.

i don’t think it sounds too unfair th and based on the limited info here it’s possible you wouldn’t end up with much higher share

what are you hoping for ?

The problem you've got is that by the time it gets to court you won't have dependant children, they'll be adults. Even if the youngest one isn't quite 18, the courts will treat him as though he basically is.

@tescocreditcard that’s my worry. Right now I have the fact the kids live with me on my side but dd1 turns 18 in a couple of weeks.

I’m worried about settling for less than I’m entitled to because I’m not confident he will support the girls through Uni so that’s all going to be on me. But there’s no point spending thousands in legal fees to end up not much better off.

I was in a similar situation, and agreed 50/50. I'm actually in a worse position than stbxh overall (his salary is double mine, and I have the dcs, both older teens), but I just wanted to avoid spending a fortune on lawyers and courts.

I can manage with this settlement, and I get rid of him quicker.

I'm waiting to hear if the court agree, mind you.

Without figures it’s hard to know. What does your solicitor say you could get and why?

Your solicitor should be giving you relative costs and benefits for going to court. And once court action starts you don’t have to see it through to the bitter end and neither does he. Starting the process could well result in your ex offering more or he could dig in. Maybe discuss this with your solicitor.

There are certain things in your post that indicate this might be a fuzzy case. By that I mean it is not just a needs case. So maybe you could afford a new property with 55% but there would be a significant lifestyle difference for the children. That means there could be a lot of judicial discretion in the decision.

I sense it is a tricky one. You won’t get valid advice on SM.

One thing I would say is that if you are your 50’s I would put a lot of consideration into your retirement plan and not just your children’s future. Their educational outcomes are probably set. They have all their productive years ahead of them. You have a likely to have most of your productive years behind you.

It is a tricky one. Solicitor thinks I should be pushing for 60/40 on the equity. I have a good salary but nowhere near as good as his and no realistic prospect of increasing it due to my age and health circumstances. Pension is fine but I’m going to struggle to buy a new house in the local area - don’t want to move too far because this is where my support network is, and the kids friends when they are back from Uni. So I need to maximise the equity. But I think I’m at a point where I could end up spending a lot on legal fees and not ending up materially better off. And there is the value of just getting it done and moving on with my life. I’ve wasted enough time on that wankbadger. But I’ve also made a series of very bad choices which have led me to where I am now and don’t want to risk making another one.

You should listen to your solicitor.

So what’s the £ difference between 55% he’s offered and the 60%. I imagine not much and will rapidly be swallowed up in legal fees. I mean even it’s you have £1m equity it’s ‘only’ 50k which will rapidly dwindle

As you'll be having your children 100% of the time and you might end up getting little ongoing financial support from your ex I'd try to get as much as you can now. Given he earns twice what you do and I assume has a much larger pension I'd be pushing for 60/65 % of the equity.

Have you told your ex your sol feels you are entitled to a higher %? Could you ask him to agree to 65% in the hope he'd settle at 60/40?

The difference is about 30k depending on what the house eventually sells for. So not insignificant but equally probably not going to see much of that after legal fees.

I wouldn’t go to court over £30k in your circumstances (and I say that as a solicitor). I would think you’re relatively unlikely to get significantly more than the 60% equity your solicitor has suggested. Not impossible but unlikely. So £30k is realistic best case scenario. Legal fees will eat up a lot maybe even the majority of that. But you also have to factor in the delay and stress and time cost of the court process plus that it will almost inevitably destroy whatever co-parenting relationship you might have. And the outcome is unknown- you could easily walk away with what you have now less legal fees so end up worse off. As pp has said you could start down the court process and try to settle for a slightly better deal but you will incur legal fees in the meantime so the benefit would need to balance with that.

I wonder whether he would agree to putting an amount aside for your children first, into a trust of some sort, and then splitting the remainder 51/49 or 50/50 (does not really matter than much if the amount for children is material).

If you worry he may in effect abandon them financially, that could result in more total resources available to them, without him having to concede to am amount far below 50%, so it might be easier for him to agree to it.

@Circe7 the co-parenting relationship is already trashed, due to his actions within the marriage and since we separated.

From my perspective, your health is more important than the difference in the %. So maybe try asking for 5% extra if he agrees perfect! If not let it go as the stress is not worth it.