Don't want to go to court for financial settlement

[jessmando]

I don't know if it is best to settle for a less favourable financial settlement or to go to court. I am the primary carer for our son and I am the lower earner. My solicitor recommends I can get roughly 60/40 on the house and a pension share to equalise our pensions. Husband is offering 52.5/47.5 and less than pension equality to me. We don't appear to be able to agree so solicitors say court looks likely. I am so stressed and I can't sleep worrying about going to court and selling the house, I can get by financially on the lower settlement. Would you just settle to draw a line under everything and move on. I just want to have some kind of inner peace, although my family will say I am spineless and there is no point me paying a solicitor and not taking their advice?

Presumably you thought he was wealthy and thought you should be too. Unfortunately that's not how divorce works, as you found out at extraordinary cost. I'm sorry you were so badly advised.

Not at all. I work and support myself and my children. I was looking for a fair outcome. A lot of assumptions about my character here! I am not a gold-digger or money-grabber, I wanted a more fair outcome for my children's future after 25 years of marriage. I was massively let down by the system. I am sure I'm not the first or the last.

@GotToGetThisRight I am really sorry you had a terrible experience with the courts. I am sure my husband will have a plan, he is not one to take risks and do things without a plan so I need to tread carefully, he definitely is the one to plan everything out whereas I tend to me muddling through and making it up as I go along.

@jessmando I think my point I was trying to make is that I really feel for you- it is awfully expensive and stressful, and you need to think about the emotional and mental toll too. I wish I had not listened to external advice (apart from legal, although I do wonder about that too!) and followed my instinct. I'd have been better off to give up and give in months ago. I couldn't fight a powerful bully and should have walked away. Good luck - I guess we have to believe in it all working out in the end!

I'm a long way from being an expert, but age has taught me that sometimes it is better to walk away than to keep fighting for what is right.

If you are getting more than 50% of the house and a reasonable chunk of pension then start your new life, and don't look back and wonder "what if..."

The issue when people say it's not worth fighting for, for example £50k if it's going to cost £30k, is that your ex is going to be £100k richer as a result. That's pretty hard to stomach and it's the financially stronger one who comes off better, often the high earning man!

My own ex knows I'm running out of money to pay legal costs. And on my income i don't have the capacity to build savings up. I'm depleting them daily.

What is the actual difference in monetary terms between his offer and what your solicitor thinks you should achieve?

I came across wrong sorry. I don't blame you for following your solicitor's advice or think you were a money grabber. I just think you were badly advised and it cost you a lot of money. It's not unreasonable to think a wealthy person might have to share their wealth in divorce but unfortunately that is only true as far as needs. And if for example that wealth accrued before the marriage and you work and are able to meet your own needs, then any solicitor who said otherwise gave you bad advice.

Fighting over money isn't normally the central issue oddly enough. Normally things turn ugly when one person wants to be financially free of the other in a clean break.

Often, forcing things to court can be a good way to guarantee that because if you both run up £30k in legal fees it normally means things like Mesher Orders and SM are no longer affordable or realistic.

Think of your DS, I didn't and DS and I got stiffed and had a very hard time in the years that followed.
You need to get the best settlement you can if you are the primary carer.
Looking after a child deprives you of so many things even when you love them dearly - your ex will just swan off and live his best life.

Thank you.

I think you're probably right. I had a solicitor and then changed to another, and both gave me roughly the same advice, except the first felt I was entitled to even more of what I didn't get 🙄😂.

I understand about the "need". Where I felt I was let down, is that I was advised (by both solicitors) that my needs were indeed X and instead the judge recommended that they were far from Y. And in fact, these were not my needs, but those of my children :(

I have moved past angry and bitter and just feel very sad and defeated, and sadly I feel no faith in the legal system.

Ah well, we live and learn.

Having children doesn’t deprive you of things

women who have children generally deprive themselves in the choices they make