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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Bitterness about the OW

25 replies

Workermum · 20/09/2023 22:47

Nearly a year to the day since I found out my husband was cheating with a married woman (3 kids of her own and a husband who was also blindsided by their affair). They're happily settled down together and in her lovely 5 bed marital home which she's keeping somehow. Meanwhile my family home is up for sale against mine and my kids wishes and our lives are in bits. How the hell do I reconcile this? When will karma kick in for these 2 cheating family wreckers? I don't know how I'll ever get over this bitterness and unfairness- its eating me up to the point where I think I can't carry on.

OP posts:

WhateverMate · 20/09/2023 22:52

I'm so sorry to hear this

Things normally get tougher before they get easier but they will eventually get easier.

My advice is to forget 'karma' because it doesn't really exist.

But look at it this way, you'll have the love and respect of your children all through their lives, and as they get older and understand more, you'll have their admiration at the utter strength you showed in raising them despite the massive knockback.

Hang in there, good things will happen to you all eventually.

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 20/09/2023 23:01

You CAN carry on because you’ve got the DCs to look after. They need you! But meanwhile treat yourself very kindly.

Not sure why your ex has ended up in her home ( what’s her exDH doing?)

Hopefully you’re getting good advice from a lawyer because you’ll need help with the split wrt finances.

I’m 1 year post divorce but 3 years post split. There were no affairs but he turned out to be a very unpleasant controlling person who I couldn’t live with any more. It was ruining my physical and mental health.

Im still waiting for Karma to hit him. He’s had a health scare which is now sorted, but I know that with a bit of patience, it’ll happen.

He has a very tricky relationship with the DCs, and that may be what comes to pass… he looses the love and respect of his children.

Hang on in there. 💐

Morewineplease10 · 20/09/2023 23:06

That's hard op. Am sorry to hear that.
My ex is going to try similar with me, he denies he's with her because of our divorce settlement even though I have proof he's with her.

I totally get how overwhelming it is and injustice the situation.

What an absolute shit man and father.

Here's hoping for some karma.

SemperIdem · 20/09/2023 23:13

Honestly? Karma doesn’t exist, they might live happily ever after.

You will move on though, maybe always a little bitter about what has been done to you, but a different person on the other side. I don’t mean that in a patronising way. There have been things done to me that I would much prefer had not.

It’s absolutely fine to never forgive as well. People preach that kindness is free as though holding a grudge takes a monthly direct debit.

Original poster

Workermum · 20/09/2023 23:17

He lied all through the divorce and said he was no longer with her, and signed legal documents saying he had no intention to co-habit. They've completely screwed me over yet again. I had a viewing on my house today and my son was crying over it because he doesn't want to leave our home, while his dad is sat happy at the OWs house. I'm trying to hold everything together for my kids while worrying that we won't be able to afford to stay on the area they go to school. How is this fair? They ruined everyone's lives and yet they get to keep her home and me and the kids lose everything? I have had 2 years of shit- a year of thinking I was losing my mind because he denied they were cheating, and a year of hell after finding out they were, and now they walk off into the sunset and leave me to pick up the ruins of our kids lives. I'm done- can't take any more

OP posts:

SemperIdem · 20/09/2023 23:35

It’s not fair. It’s absolutely shit.

You will be ok but it’s also fine to be absolutely furious right now.

Spirallingdownwards · 20/09/2023 23:41

The thing is you don't know know her financial circumstances. Perhaps it is her home because she bought it from inheritance. Perhaps her ex is a high earner who has agreed she can live there until the kids are 18 or at uni. You simply don't know so you have to let that go.

The main thing is while you hold on to anger about something you either don't know or isn't within your control you won't move on. Try to not focus on what she is doing and what she has (and by association he has) and try to focus on rebuilding the best life for you and your kids without him (as it sounds you are better off without him).

Original poster

Workermum · 20/09/2023 23:47

Morewineplease10 · 20/09/2023 23:06

That's hard op. Am sorry to hear that.
My ex is going to try similar with me, he denies he's with her because of our divorce settlement even though I have proof he's with her.

I totally get how overwhelming it is and injustice the situation.

What an absolute shit man and father.

Here's hoping for some karma.

Sorry you're in a similar situation. Its apparently an annoyingly common occurrence. Karma is a comforting hope isn't it?

OP posts:

Dogsitterwoes · 21/09/2023 00:39

Their karma is that they are both facing a future with a person they know for a fact is happy and able to lie to the person who loves them, plot and scheme behind their back, deceive them and cheat on them. No trust. Ever. Neither of them has won much of a prize.

Louise303 · 21/09/2023 01:55

I hope karma does get them both in the end they both know they are cheaters and not to be trusted. How can they have a happy relationship the two of them will always be suspicious of each other cheating. Things will be different now especially when the honeymoon phase of living together is over. your idiot ex is causing you and your children pain while he is probably looking after her kids. Your children will remember all of this and you are the one that is there for them.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 21/09/2023 01:58

Do the kids know why the house is being sold?

Original poster

Workermum · 21/09/2023 07:05

They do know, yes

OP posts:

exDHisatwat · 21/09/2023 07:22

@Workermum

I know how you feel and I am going through similar. My husband is refusing to discuss anything, I've had to pay to put the divorce in but unless he cooperates it won't progress.

I'm still in the family home with our children who refuse to have anything to do with him. He's living with the OW a 5 minute walk away in a really shitty rented flat (that makes me feel slightly better as our house is lovely).

I feel so bitter at times, I was left to be a single parent overnight, because he won't discuss anything myself and our children feel unsettled. He meanwhile seems perfectly happy in his new life. I know I need to let the anger and bitterness go, but it's very hard to do.

TheUniversalsHere · 21/09/2023 07:28

My understanding is if your financial settlement was agreed on basis he wouldnt be cohabiting and it's turnednout that was his intention, you would have a potential case to take him back to court. He is already adequately housed and the children of marriage, that is your marriage, should have their needs prioritised. That's my understanding anyway. I wld seek advice but you cld have grounds. if you have fight in you, you could fight for it.

Original poster

Workermum · 21/09/2023 07:32

@TheUniversalsHere I think that's the case yes but I've already spent thousands on solicitors through the divorce and it's my understanding it would cost much more to try and fight this. I think I need to just cut my loses and accept that they've beaten me and ruined me.

OP posts:

TheUniversalsHere · 21/09/2023 07:52

That is totally understandable course of action but you are not beaten or ruined. Please do not see yourself as that.

millymollymoomoo · 21/09/2023 08:00

Marriages fail
relationships fail
for a variety of reasons s that despite the narrative are rarely black and white

you’re still grieving for the life you thought you had and the future that you thought came with it. A year is not a long time. Selling the house, while painful now, gives you the opportunity to set yourself up with a fresh start. There will be ups and downs along the way but you’ll muddle through and come out the other side. Your children still have a father and it is better for them to not get drawn into your emotions and bitterness. They will pick up on it. If you’re bitter about the house then of course they will be sad about it. If you’re frame it more positively they will too. They don’t need to be in the middle of warring parents.

a lifetime of holding onto bitterness is no good for you op. It won’t make your ex feel guilty or change anything there. It will impact you, your relationships, your children so in the nicest possible way seek help if you need to to help you let go. That doesn’t mean you have to like things but means you can find peace and move on to a happier place.

my Nan held onto this bitterness for 50 years. Don’t let that be you

millymollymoomoo · 21/09/2023 08:01

They’ve not beaten and ruined you. You are in control of that. Split the assets, take your share, rebuild your life and take charge of your own destiny ! The future is what you make it.

ReadySalty · 21/09/2023 10:51

It's shit Op. It is not fair and I don't blame you a tiny bit for feeling bitter and resentful.

I don't have pearls of wisdom for you. But I send you strength and solidarity and I hope that all the invisible stranger women who reply to you give you hope that not everyone is a selfish piece of shit.

Head high x

Mari9999 · 21/09/2023 12:25

@Workermum
Karna, if it even exist, is not your personal genie. Maybe they are moving forward in a positive way because they are expending their energy in a positive way, and not wasting time and energy looking backwards or hoping for bad things to happen to the respective exs.

Concentrate on moving your life forward and spend a lot less time caring about how their lives progress. They may be as happy as clams, but that should be of no concern to you. The happiness that should matter to you is the happiness that you create for yourself and your children.

He is your past. Leave him there and move forward.Exactly how much time do you think that he is wasting thinking about your personal life? The answer is probably none, and yet even though he is physically gone. you are choosing to let him live rent free in your head.

If you are going to ask anything of Karma, ask that you finds way to free yourself from caring about your ex and his new partner. That would be the best gift that you could get from Karma.

Jonisaysitbest · 21/09/2023 19:48

I get you OP, it's really shit and he's a right bastard for doing what he's done to you.
Of course you feel bitter and angry and so you should. All this nonsense about rising above it and 'don't give him head space' is all well and good but, as someone who has been there, I know how hard and unrealistic that is - at least for a while.
But it is true that your kids will make their own minds up about the situation. He has taken a huge risk in his relationship with them and has put his own needs and his own love life before them. They will see that and they won't forget it. That's the karma right there.
As hard as it might be, try not to slag him off to them or to force them to take sides. He's a bit of a crap one but they do still need their dad in their lives.
Meanwhile, confide in a close friend or family, journal your feelings or exercise away your anger. And concentrate on your kids, they need you more than ever and you will reap your rewards for how you behave with them now and going forward.
Take care of yourself xxx

Daz57 · 21/09/2023 19:56

So sorry … such a horrible position to be in. But hang on in there as I was in your position 11 years ago. I carried on as best I could and life really improved for me. We had to sell our family home, I put what money I had into a savings account and moved into a little rented annexe. After a few years I met a new man and we have a lovely home together. Don’t waste your energy thinking about them.
I know how difficult it is but please know that things can only get better. Sending you a big hug x

piscofrisco · 21/09/2023 20:02

What a pair of nasty bastards. I feel for you op. The only thing that will
Make you feel better is time tbh. And carving your own happy life once you feel ready to do so. It took me a good 5 years.
It's bloody unfair.

Mumof3confused · 25/09/2023 09:02

How soon after the financial consent order did he move in with her? I would probably still try to take it back to court and even if you just do it as a litigant in person. How old are your children? Can you stall the property sale while the children settle in to their new reality?

LittleBrenda · 25/09/2023 09:07

You could repost in legal and see if you can get any advice about going back to court.

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