Abusive ex and mortgage - what would you do?

[TheEmaildetails]

10 weeks ago I moved in to my parents home with my 3 kids (Dd14, Dd12, Ds5) to get away from my abusive STBXH. His behaviour was getting worse in front of the kids especially as we were trying to agree a financial settlement. I told him I wanted a divorce following years of financial, emotional and, at times, physical abuse. He refuses to move out of the house but wouldn’t respect my privacy and continued the abuse.
Children’s services contacted me following a referral from my Dd1’s school and told me to leave if he became in anyway abusive.
My solicitor issued him a letter requesting his financial info and asking him to desist from his abusive behaviour. This had the opposite effect and so I had to leave the house.
The house was up for sale but I had to delist as my ex was refusing to accept offers unless I agreed to his deal.
He has given me no money to support the children and wouldn’t agree to CMS until the house is sold. I made a CMS claim online as I’m on a low income - £15k p.a part time and his is 4x this.
The CMS issued a monthly figure to him to which he has now said he will deduct my 1/2 of the mortgage from and pay me the difference.
If I don’t agree to this, he said he will default on the mortgage to damage my credit file. I can’t afford to pay half the mortgage to keep him in a 5 bed house and pay for the kids whilst staying at my parents.
I have to wait till my legal aid comes through to action a new legal representation but what should I do in the meantime?
Just accept his payment of £30 per month CMS after he’s deducted my half of the mortgage?

I would tell him he's to pay you the child support as calculated in full. Of course you shouldn't pay for a house you are not living in! My ex left and never paid a cent on the mortgage again.

Then I would call the bank and discuss your situation. They will hopefully be understanding, and may even let you pause your loan.

Does the moron realise he'd be damaging his own credit rating too?!

I'd get your solicitor onto the house sale asap, offers to go through them etc.

Banks have specialist mortgage teams to deal with this kind of thing, give them a call.
You need to find a solicitor who will let you pay when the divorce is settled and house sold and it sounds like you need to go to court pronto to be honest.

Unfortunately, when it comes to the finances, I'm afraid the abusive behaviour doesn't have much direct affect (if any at all). Indirectly it may mean he does not have access to the children and this means your needs are greater as the sole parent but as it stands child arrangements have not been established. Therefore, I have disregarded the abuse and looked solely at the financial position.

He will damage his own credit rating if he doesn't pay the mortgage. However, legally you are joint and severally liable for the mortgage. If you are joint tenants (and you almost certainly are), that means you are liable to pay half of the mortgage. That doesn't mean he can deduct it from your CMS payment but it does mean you have to pay your share.

There are some options available to you but none of them will happen in an instant. One option is to get a non-molestation order against him and an occupation order to live in the house. However, this is probably of very little use to you as you would still need to pay your share of the mortgage and it is likely he will stop paying his share.

Maintenance pending suit is an option but this may be more expensive to apply to the courts for than you will receive. If he was on a higher income I would recommend this but if he is on £60k and paying at least half a mortgage on a 5 bedroom house plus CMS I don't think MPS would amount to very much.

Another option is to charge him occupational rent for his half of the mortgage. I don't have any experience of doing this (I'm a trainee solicitor and this never came up on my Family seat so I only know about it in theory). You could speak to your solicitor to determine if this is an option.

I think the honest answer though is that things are going to be a bit uncomfortable for you until you can be financially separated from this man. I would get the mediation stage out the way very quickly - do the minimum and get signed off - and get on with the court process. There is little point mediating with someone like your ex-husband.

Get the CMS to enforce the order. Claim UC to improve your income. I very much doubt he will mess up his own credit rating and it is just bluff and bluster. But don’t underestimate the ability of an abuser to go scorched earth. However be completely aware they will do this no matter what action you take so don’t bother trying to pacify him.

Speak to the mortgage lenders about a mortgage holiday and if this is viable. Explain the situation. Having this option will give you a tool to use going forward.

If you haven’t done so already report abuse to the police. At least the latest events.

Get legal advice re an occupation order to get back in the house and whilst you are at it how to get an interim order that will force him to pay towards the mortgage.

Be prepared to accept that he isn’t going to be cooperative and he will use the process to perpetuate further abuse. This is why you need to go court asap and stop engaging with him. You will need to weigh up what you need to accept as a change or settlement in order to get him out of your life. I am not suggesting taking anything less than you are entitled just that don’t prolong the process more than it needs to.

He is being completely unreasonable. It is important you don’t respond to that but instead plough a path to divorce quickly and assertively. Always remember he will be unreasonable no matter how reasonable you are. That’s why you don’t give into the threats.

In summary

1. Enforce the CMS order via a deduction
2. Claim CMS
3. Block and remain NC
4. Report abuse
5. Seek occupation order to move into the house
6. Seek interim order to force him to provide any additional financial support needed till a settlement is reached and the house is sold
7. Use a mortgage holiday if needed
8. Get to court with a reasonable settlement request as quickly as you can.
9. Don’t engage.

@LemonTT I don't think the occupation order is a good idea. I don't think on about £60k that her ex will be expected to contribute to the mortgage and pay CMS if he also has to secure his own accommodation and meet his own reasonable needs. Also, if he was thus ordered I would expect someone like him to find himself unemployed by the time it got to court.

I gave the OP the option to explore with her legal advisers. Which can form part of a strategy. Advising her it’s not an option based on the option isn’t helpful. We don’t know the circumstances. A 60k salary is a lot in some parts of the country.

Whilst that's true, I very much doubt someone on £60k would be ordered to pay the mortgage on a house they don't live in and I think it is even less likely that they would comply with the order (because they couldn't), even if they weren't abusive.

I’m in a situation whereby ex no longer pays any CM and it left me unable to afford the mortgage (£1500 per month) on my salary alone.

Can you speak with your bank? Because of the cost of living crisis, there is a mortgage charter that allows you to reduce your mortgage payments to interest only for 6 months. I believe most banks have signed up for it. I
managed to reduce the mortgage from £1,500 to £650 which gives us a bit of time whilst we start court proceedings. Then, if he deducted half the mortgage, it would be far less hopefully so you’d have more CM.

Otherwise, you can apply to CMS to have them debit it directly from his pay although I believe there is a charge.

Definitely look into UC to top up your income and are you claiming child benefit? Possibly not if he is on £60k so that will help too.

Forgot to say - the bank didn’t need his approval either, I just completed a form online and they did it. All very easy.

The receiving parent wouldn't pay a charge but the paying parent would.

Investigating universal credit is also a good idea in the circumstances.

This will depend on whether or not he has spoken to the bank already. Normally you would need the consent of all mortgagees.

Perhaps normally but maybe because of the mortgage charter they are happy to accept the request of only 1 of the joint mortgage holders. Figured interest only was better than defaulting.

I believe it is 4% charge for the receiving parent also.

He doesnt get to deduct anything from the CMS figure. They dont account for things like that. The second he does you simply log the lack of payment with CMS and ask them to switch to them collecting the money. It will cost him more in the long run.

Not all lenders have signed up to the mortgage charter so you cannot take this for granted.

You're right; I thought they were doing away with this but then again the chances of this government doing anything good for families is nil so not a massive surprise it is still there.