Life after divorce/getting a backbone

[malazzie]

My husband keeps threatening to leave me. He's been doing it for years. The cycle goes that he threatens and I cry and beg and offer to do anything he wants and he then feeds off my insecurities and me "behaving" myself for a while (not saying no to sex, not asking him to walk the dogs etc). He will do it loudly when the kids are in the next room. He doesn't seem to care when I'm literally sobbing he will tell me to "fuck off" or literally physically move me and has left bruises. My confidence is at an all time low. I have started counselling to try and help me see if it's my fault like he keeps saying it is.
I'm trying to get up the courage to tell him to go and make the decision final to stop this horrible rollercoaster. But I'm sooo scared. I have a good job but I've always been part time. I'm happy to increase hours but none spare at the moment and youngest is 9 so still needs me before/after school etc. we own a house with equity (I would maybe get 80000) but we currently can't sell it as the roof is leaking and we don't have planning for some of it.
I just need some words of support or some happy stories of life after a marriage that literally drained you of all of your confidence. I'm 39. I've been with him since I was 17!
Thanks for reading :)

My love, you are a victim of domestic abuse.
If you want to report him the police would arrest him on what you said in this post alone (I know there will be more)
They could then give you a domestic violence protection notice to give you an extra period of time with no contact.
You can also look to get an injunction out against him to prevent contact.
First and foremost, you need to do what's right for YOU.

You have done nothing wrong, he has manipulated and controlled you slowly.

Please contact your GP for some therapy, and please know there are loads of support networks out there for you... charities like refuge etc offer support.

X

Excellent advice from LilyJessie.

You can do this, you deserve so much more. And so do your kids. Take small steps, find out what benefits you would be entitled to, take back control one small step at a time. It's incredibly difficult to leave a relationship, particularly one where you've been so worn down, but you can do it. It is scary and it won't be easy, but it will be so worth it. Try to envisage what you'd like your life to look like in 5 years time, where you'd live, how you'd dress, how you'd feel without him, how your kids would feel. Keep this vision in your mind to keep you going when it feels impossible and hard work.

OP this definitely sounds abusive. It’s not ok that you are being treated this way. You have your whole life ahead of you at 39, people start over at all ages, a relative of mine got married for the 3rd time at the age of 80!

On a practical level, could your child go to after school club for a couple of days a week? I know it’s daunting if they’ve not been before but I’m sure they’d be fine once they got used to it. You could then explore increasing your hours, even whilst living with your husband so you’re in a better position when the time comes to leave.

Thanks guys. I've just had coffee with a friend and I'm out doing clubs until 8pm so I'm going to leave him a letter asking him to go (he gets home at 5) I guess I'm worried it's my fault. That I'm the bad one? He's always saying I'm a nightmare, a nag, controlling, pathetic, shit in bed. Just to name a few of the regular put downs I get. He offers me alot of security (a family unit, finances etc) and I had a tough childhood so I'm guess I'm ripe for abuse. I have seen my gp she's given me propanolol for the anxiety and I'm having counselling. The gp does not know about the physical stuff but the counsellor does.
I guess I'm scared I'll be a shit mum on my own. That my kids will want to be with him more because he has more money and doesn't do the boring stuff like reading and teeth brushing and bedtimes. They are both boys and they all bond over football. He is a good dad.

How did it go?? How are you?