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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Advice re contact

11 replies

Meow13 · 18/09/2023 21:00

Hi

I would love some advice from people who have been through this. Back story is thar my husband of 19 years has had/having an affair and finally I asked him to leave our family home. For some reason he hasn't found somewhere else to live so is moving from b and b's, work hotel rooms and his now girlfriend's. Our mid/late teens are not very impressed with his behaviour and are avoiding him. He has just messaged me and stated that he would like one night a week to come into our home and make tea for them and look after them, presumably making me go out. He has absolutely destroyed my confidence and my decision making skills so I don't know whether I am unreasonable saying no, go and find somewhere to live and then invite them there rather than come into our safe place, where they might not want even to see him, or should i be more sympathetic?

Any advice appreciated!

OP posts:
Wibblywobblylikejelly · 18/09/2023 21:01

Is he named on the deeds/ tenancy agreement?

mumyes · 18/09/2023 21:06

OP, so sorry. Flowers

Good plan getting advice if you're questioning your decision making.

As a general rule, I'd say maintain the absolute moral high ground, and try to encourage a relationship between DC & their dad. It might (?? Ask them what they think?) be nicer for your DC if he was in their home so they can either opt in or out of seeing him.

I would bugger off for that evening - treat yourself to a swim or a cinema trip or a meal out with a friend.

HOWEVER!! If you don't want to do this, don't. Remember, you matter. Your mental health matters. If you don't feel up to doing this yet, fuck him, don't do it...tell him the DC aren't keen, nor are you, and maybe best to re-assess in 3(?) months.

whattodoforthebest2 · 18/09/2023 21:08

Knowing how desperately unhappy it made me watching my children bound out of the door to see him at weekends, leaving me alone and lost in a quiet house while they got spoilt/had fun etc, I wouldn't entertain letting him come back for any reason at all, whether to cook them tea or for any other reason.

He's finding it difficult to find somewhere to live? Shame, his problem, he needs to sort it out and find somewhere where he can welcome his kids and not push you out of your home while he tries to make up for his lack of judgement and appalling behaviour.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 18/09/2023 21:08

I would say no.

He might insist and legally he may have that right, but if he can afford somewhere else (I’m assuming given you haven’t said otherwise?) and is choosing not to then that choice has consequences.

I would encourage contact with the children, but I wouldn’t allow him to invade their safe space (unless I had no choice to legally)

eggsontoastnbeans · 18/09/2023 21:10

No

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 18/09/2023 21:10

"Well I'd have liked you to keep your dick to yourself but guess people don't always get what they want do they sunshine?"

Realistically is up to you. It's now your safe space so if you don't want to leave him in it hunting through all your shit say no. Talk to the kids and see what they want. Propose an alternative of him taking them out for dinner and an activity.

midnightblue12 · 18/09/2023 21:21

I agree with you OP. Your home so your safe spot and you shouldn't have to allow him to shove you out of it.
He's a grown man and there's no apparent reason why he can't spend time with the kids without booting you out.
I don't know the legalities if he's names on a mortgage or tenancy but I would be firm at this point and say no.
If you say yes I can assure you that his manipulation will not stop here!

midnightblue12 · 18/09/2023 21:24

Just another note to my PP.....
My ex used to come round to my house to see the kids. This only happened as my son was a newborn and it was lockdown era.
I noticed he would snoop abit, make judgey comments about little insignificant things... I started to feel like he was checking up on me and I had no privacy whilst he was able to go away and have a happy private life.
I put a stop to it as soon as I realised.

LemonTT · 18/09/2023 22:07

Well like you say it is untenable for him to come to your home and he needs to find his own place.

What then for you? Because unless he earns a lot and has a huge pile of cash he isn’t going to flit from place to place for very long. He will rent his own place and look to get equity out of the house. That will inevitably impact on you financially.

This is going to happen anyway. Better that you both agree a route to this with minimum disruption for your children.

Original poster
Meow13 · 18/09/2023 22:28

Thanks for the replies. It is so difficult as I feel mean not allowing him to try and work on their relationship but equally he's not tried until I asked him to leave. Both kids have ignored/refused all his requests to do something with him and so I feel v reluctant to force them into it in their safe place. Legally he also owns the house but equally could easily afford to rent somewhere so I don't know why he hasn't unless he's leaving it an acceptable amount of time to move into her house. I think he just presumed he can go off with her and see the kids with no problems at all!

OP posts:
SD1978 · 18/09/2023 22:38

If it's his house, which he's still paying for too, I don't think it's a sim0e as no, this is my space now. He still has the right to be there. Do the kids even want to do this? What are your plans moving forwa4 regarding the house, will you have to sell it?

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