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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Am I weird for not being upset?

14 replies

Notsadaboutit · 16/09/2023 12:57

STBXH and I separated about 3 months ago. He initiated it but it wasn't a surprise TBH.

We'd been together for over 20 years since we were both in our early 20s. Looking back now, we weren't particularly well suited but just kind of settled because neither of us had good examples of healthy relationships from our own parents. My own self esteem was dire and I thought that being with him was better than being alone. Having kids just put our problems under a microscope and the relationship never recovered TBH.

Everyone who I speak to about our separation seems surprised that I'm not upset about it. My mum still gets upset when she speaks to me about it. Like something terrible has happened. I've recently started therapy and even the therapist kept commenting about how calm I am about everything. I feel like I'm weird for not being more upset.

I cried for about two days when he moved out. Before throwing myself into sorting out the practical stuff. I am glad that he has left. I am enjoying finally having the space as well as mental and emotional energy to focus on myself for the first time in 20 years. I'm no more lonely than I was when he still lived here. That's how bad our relationship was by the end. Does anyone else feel the same? Or am I odd?

OP posts:
YourSpleenIsDamp · 16/09/2023 13:03

I was the same - marriage had been dead for years, it was nothing but a relief when it was over. I wondered at the time whether it'd suddenly hit me at some point, but seven years later and it never has - still just glad it's over

Original poster
Notsadaboutit · 16/09/2023 16:16

YourSpleenIsDamp · 16/09/2023 13:03

I was the same - marriage had been dead for years, it was nothing but a relief when it was over. I wondered at the time whether it'd suddenly hit me at some point, but seven years later and it never has - still just glad it's over

I'm glad you've said this. I do worry about it coming out later. But I'm just glad it's over now and he has gone. I'd prefer it if I never saw him again TBH but need to for the kids.

OP posts:
isthistheendtakeabreath · 16/09/2023 20:47

I was the same OP - i cried when he first walked out (it was a surprise of sorts) but then I just seemed to become deadly calm - I have 3 young children - 2 who were only aged 1 at the time. I didn't have the time or energy to waste crying over him whilst I was busy holding down a full time job and raising 3 children and getting new routines and a new normal in place.

I had the divorce filed and concluded in less than 9 months. Initially I didn't feel any more lonely than when we were together and I found the space liberating physically and mentally. But that has gradually changed. I'd say I was on autopilot the first 6-9 months - especially getting through our first Christmas. Then birthdays, then the dreaded wedding anniversary. Seemed like after those milestones had been coped with that perhaps the wall I had built around myself and my children has started the crumble a bit.

It's strange when it hits. I don't miss him - I miss the man I married. They are not the same person. It seems to creep up on me and then I'll have a good cry - cry more than I did the day he left. Silly things can be the trigger - a song on the radio or Monday mornings knowing I have a week ahead doing it all alone again. When the kids won't go to bed and I'm tired and realise how utterly alone I am. When I come home from spending time with happily married families and me and the kids are the odd one out with no dad being there. When the kids do something funny and I want to tell someone. Or if I've had a bad day and want to tell someone

I wish i never had to see him again. He isn't a "bad" man but in some ways it would actually be easier if he was dead. But I tell myself the man I married is dead

MistyBay · 16/09/2023 21:20

Placemarking this thread

Gardenerboo · 16/09/2023 21:39

interesting to read about people being lonely in their marriages. I was too, I’m no more lonely now 10 weeks in.

The separation doesn’t upset me at all, having to deal with his vile behaviour now does. I obviously don’t wish him harm, I just wish he’d disappear.

I feel very calm even though it is early days, I grieved for my relationship in the final years we were together. As you’ve said, my husband is no longer the man I married, he hasn’t been for years.

MistyBay · 16/09/2023 22:25

OP this is me although I’m only a week into the announcement and he’s still here. I was shocked for a few days due to the speed of events, and couldn’t sleep, heart racing and thinking constantly. I have been on MN just reading and posting and it is really exhausting but helping me process.

however only seven days in and I’m quite together now. I booked therapy for next week and am wondering if I need it.

thats because I have arrived at ‘my truth’. And that is, I looked after him for twenty years and now I don’t have to look after him anymore.

it sounds simple but it sums it all up perfectly. We didn’t have a perfect marriage but we rumbled along. I wasn’t the best wife, he wasn’t the best husband. But, I know he has got where he has got to today because of me, and I think he’s a little bit too stupid to know it.

so now, I take comfort in the fact that although I may not have been perfect, I looked after him. Better than he looked after me. So i can let him go knowing he has made his choice. If he thinks he’ll be better off in a small flat alone, with no one to look after him and with less money then that’s up to him. I wouldn’t do it if I were him but that’s his choice and I don’t have to hate him for it. It’ll be interesting to see if he’ll thrive on his own, but I can’t see how that’ll happen knowing him so well.

I get to keep the family home, stay with my teenage DCs, I’ll have enough of my own money and I’ll love it. So, I’m pretty cool about his going.

we too are married 20 years, and got together in similar circumstances. I wasn’t happy in the marriage but I felt the alternative would be worse and with far reaching pain for our wider family and the DCs who will be devastated. He’s just thinking of getting his short term kicks at parties and wants to go out and socialise. He’s got a new love interest. Will see how long that lasts. Good luck to him I say.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 16/09/2023 22:43

I'm no more lonely than I was when he still lived here. That's how bad our relationship was by the end. Does anyone else feel the same? Or am I odd?
You may have already grieved while in the relationship, but even if you haven't there's no shoulds about this, you don't have to feel a specific way, you aren't weird, it's your life, it's your journey, and however you feel is valid and ok.

I have been very up and down since I told stbxh I was done, but that's to do with our children and custody because he's emotionally abusive and a bully. I did cry in counseling but it was because the counselor said that it must have been very lonely being in a marriage with him and it just hit me because I've felt that so much without really acknowledging it. He's finally moving out and it feels great, except for that fear about our DC and having to fight to stop him getting 50/50 because of the mental an emotional damage he'll do to them I'd he gets that. If he was asking for EOW I'd be thrilled and not conflicted at all about divorcing. Of

Original poster
Notsadaboutit · 16/09/2023 23:14

isthistheendtakeabreath · 16/09/2023 20:47

I was the same OP - i cried when he first walked out (it was a surprise of sorts) but then I just seemed to become deadly calm - I have 3 young children - 2 who were only aged 1 at the time. I didn't have the time or energy to waste crying over him whilst I was busy holding down a full time job and raising 3 children and getting new routines and a new normal in place.

I had the divorce filed and concluded in less than 9 months. Initially I didn't feel any more lonely than when we were together and I found the space liberating physically and mentally. But that has gradually changed. I'd say I was on autopilot the first 6-9 months - especially getting through our first Christmas. Then birthdays, then the dreaded wedding anniversary. Seemed like after those milestones had been coped with that perhaps the wall I had built around myself and my children has started the crumble a bit.

It's strange when it hits. I don't miss him - I miss the man I married. They are not the same person. It seems to creep up on me and then I'll have a good cry - cry more than I did the day he left. Silly things can be the trigger - a song on the radio or Monday mornings knowing I have a week ahead doing it all alone again. When the kids won't go to bed and I'm tired and realise how utterly alone I am. When I come home from spending time with happily married families and me and the kids are the odd one out with no dad being there. When the kids do something funny and I want to tell someone. Or if I've had a bad day and want to tell someone

I wish i never had to see him again. He isn't a "bad" man but in some ways it would actually be easier if he was dead. But I tell myself the man I married is dead

💐 it must be hard. I am afraid of it hitting me somewhere down the line. I worry that I've buried it all under the positives.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notsadaboutit · 16/09/2023 23:17

Gardenerboo · 16/09/2023 21:39

interesting to read about people being lonely in their marriages. I was too, I’m no more lonely now 10 weeks in.

The separation doesn’t upset me at all, having to deal with his vile behaviour now does. I obviously don’t wish him harm, I just wish he’d disappear.

I feel very calm even though it is early days, I grieved for my relationship in the final years we were together. As you’ve said, my husband is no longer the man I married, he hasn’t been for years.

I'm sorry your ex is being a dick. Thankfully mine is being OK. He's not demanded or wanted anything and there is generally not much to argue over. I can imagine I'd probably feel very different if he was being an arse about who had the house etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notsadaboutit · 16/09/2023 23:25

MistyBay · 16/09/2023 22:25

OP this is me although I’m only a week into the announcement and he’s still here. I was shocked for a few days due to the speed of events, and couldn’t sleep, heart racing and thinking constantly. I have been on MN just reading and posting and it is really exhausting but helping me process.

however only seven days in and I’m quite together now. I booked therapy for next week and am wondering if I need it.

thats because I have arrived at ‘my truth’. And that is, I looked after him for twenty years and now I don’t have to look after him anymore.

it sounds simple but it sums it all up perfectly. We didn’t have a perfect marriage but we rumbled along. I wasn’t the best wife, he wasn’t the best husband. But, I know he has got where he has got to today because of me, and I think he’s a little bit too stupid to know it.

so now, I take comfort in the fact that although I may not have been perfect, I looked after him. Better than he looked after me. So i can let him go knowing he has made his choice. If he thinks he’ll be better off in a small flat alone, with no one to look after him and with less money then that’s up to him. I wouldn’t do it if I were him but that’s his choice and I don’t have to hate him for it. It’ll be interesting to see if he’ll thrive on his own, but I can’t see how that’ll happen knowing him so well.

I get to keep the family home, stay with my teenage DCs, I’ll have enough of my own money and I’ll love it. So, I’m pretty cool about his going.

we too are married 20 years, and got together in similar circumstances. I wasn’t happy in the marriage but I felt the alternative would be worse and with far reaching pain for our wider family and the DCs who will be devastated. He’s just thinking of getting his short term kicks at parties and wants to go out and socialise. He’s got a new love interest. Will see how long that lasts. Good luck to him I say.

You've pretty much described my marriage with your own! And how we've separated too.

I cried so much until my dad asked me 'what do you want in all of this?' It was the first time I actually thought of a life without my STBXH in it and I liked the idea more than I liked the idea of having him back.

My dad is the only one who seems to 'get' how I feel about it all. But TBH i think my parents marriage is similar to my own, except my dad is in the role i was in and my mum is like my STBXH. Emotionally incompetent. But that is another thread entirely.

If you haven't already, read Women who love too much. It helped me make sense of what our relationship had been like. And why I put up with it for so long.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notsadaboutit · 16/09/2023 23:30

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 16/09/2023 22:43

I'm no more lonely than I was when he still lived here. That's how bad our relationship was by the end. Does anyone else feel the same? Or am I odd?
You may have already grieved while in the relationship, but even if you haven't there's no shoulds about this, you don't have to feel a specific way, you aren't weird, it's your life, it's your journey, and however you feel is valid and ok.

I have been very up and down since I told stbxh I was done, but that's to do with our children and custody because he's emotionally abusive and a bully. I did cry in counseling but it was because the counselor said that it must have been very lonely being in a marriage with him and it just hit me because I've felt that so much without really acknowledging it. He's finally moving out and it feels great, except for that fear about our DC and having to fight to stop him getting 50/50 because of the mental an emotional damage he'll do to them I'd he gets that. If he was asking for EOW I'd be thrilled and not conflicted at all about divorcing. Of

I'm sorry that your ex is being a twat. So many dickheads go for 50/50 just to try and exercise control rather than through any desire to care for their children.

I have been fortunate in that we have been civil and the practical side of things has been very uneventful. I know I would feel much different if everything was a battle. We almost split a couple of years ago and I do wonder if I have been grieving our relationship since then. Or perhaps I checked out back then and never checked back in. Who knows.

OP posts:
MistyBay · 17/09/2023 07:57

@Notsadaboutit Where is your H now? And how old are your DCs?

i was the same as you and started a follow a path of anger and feeling sorry for myself. Then I thought, what am I angry about? Am I mad at him for having the ‘audacity’ to finish with me, for having the courage to own up and get out? He’s being really fair and not at all worried about the division of assets so I can’t be angry at him about that. He’s being as kind and discreet as he can. So, apart from shipping out perhaps a little soon for my liking (DS is only 15) he’s only doing what has been inevitable all the while.

the only thing I’m weighing up is how big a part the OW is playing in this.

at home we may have not been an intimate couple but we were an extremely functional couple. We were prospering as a family and so are our kids. This break will put an end to this as together we were saving up good money. The kids have a trouble free, happy life, and that will come to an end. he has his own room anyway (due to his snoring and insomnia) so everyone was used to us sleeping apart. No worries there too.

I don’t think he would be in such a rush if it weren’t for this love interest of his but he’s really playing this down and that I think is a real shame as i don’t think he realises how much it will influence his decision. He is effectively then pulling the rug from under everyone’s feet to get his leg over. And I’m not sure how I feel about that.

if he found living with me insufferable then I get it. But I’m not sure I’m ok with the OW being the root cause. I guess I’ll find out in time if she is.

CookieDoughKid · 19/09/2023 06:12

@MistyBay the OW is the reason why your ex left. Otherwise he would still be here. 100% I believe that is the reason why cheaters leave. He weighed up his options and made a choice.

MistyBay · 20/09/2023 20:40

CookieDoughKid · 19/09/2023 06:12

@MistyBay the OW is the reason why your ex left. Otherwise he would still be here. 100% I believe that is the reason why cheaters leave. He weighed up his options and made a choice.

I just don’t think he wants to be married. He wants a bachelor’s life. I don’t think he can actually be bothered with a relationship or with the responsibility of a family. He wants football and friends like when he was 25. Not a boring family.

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