Divorce. How to start?

[Doneinpigeon]

I’m sure there are plenty of threads in here so forgive me for starting another.

The time has come. I’m done with my marriage. I don’t love him anymore- we’re different people. There is no spark or enjoyment. He’s lazy and argumentative if you dare ask for help. Always in his own time and anything else is nagging. I’ve been encouraged not to work and look after the family instead. No longer do I find him attractive. There is no intimacy as it makes me feel really uneasy- I can’t stand being touched anymore. I’m not yet 40 and I want a joyful, happy and fulfilling life. This isn’t going to happen here.

How do I do this? What do I do? I have access to some of my own savings but day to day I’m entirely reliant. So angry that I was stupid enough to put myself in this precarious position - but like every other idiot out there I thought it would be for the long term and it would work out. A decade later it really isn’t. There isn’t really any sadness at it ending from my end- just a sense of relief and hope for the future. He doesn’t want it to as sees nothing wrong no matter what I say.

Any advice is grateful received.

So make sure you have Tesco/Sainsbury’s/Boots cards and collect the points. This is money that you won’t have to own up to.
Get a job and a pension.
Get your own bank account and have any child benefit paid into it.
Try and get screen shots of any bank accounts/shares etc.
See a solicitor, he doesn’t need to know.

And think about getting bits of cash back and putting it somewhere safe. You could also buy the occasional gift card from a shop you use, and stash it away.

Congratulations and good luck! The future will be amazing.

Where to start - my advice is to read this board often, and the Advice Now link at the top was very helpful to me.

Before he knows, make sure you understand and have access to all the accounts/bank statements. Make sure you know where all the money is. Photocopy anything you may need access to later. I didn’t do this, and deeply regret it.

Download the Form E. This tells you all the information that will have to be submitted by the both of you. There’s a section where you have to estimate your future living costs. By the time I had to do this, I had moved out and didn’t have access to my old bills to estimate my future ones. There will be other things like this.

Have a look at wikivorce, that has a lot of good information.

Find a solicitor. I looked at local practices and looked up the solicitors profiles on the website. I rang a couple and managed to have a free chat on the phone. The solicitor I chose was a partner and specialises in family law. They are all very expensive.

You will need a support group of family and friends. Anyone who you know who has gone through a divorce is especially valuable. They understand what you are/will be going through.

Best of luck.

Generally good advice. Two more things I would suggest:

1. Don't use solicitors for moral support, they charge too much; and
2. Don't use friends for legal advice, every divorce is based on the facts and their outcome might be very different to your own.

There is a lot of good advice here! Here's some more in case it might be able to help too, I'm really glad you're taking the steps to end a relationship you isn't right for you. You're one step closer to the joyful, happy, and fulfilling life you want!

Although having a solicitor is great, I couldn't keep mine (both lack of funds and mine was not very good at getting things/moving in the divorce), so I had to use whatever resources I could find. See if maybe these might help. Use mumsnet as there's a lot of good advice here and you can get answers to questions you have. Same with facebook divorce groups, I joined a bunch and they offer great advice there - they might be able to point you to where you need to go to get some more help if needed.
I also used this - https://iamlip.com/ - it's a bunch of free help guides that take you through the entire process. I used it without a solicitor which was fine as I just followed the help guides and read the explanations/guidance on the website about the things I didn't understand, but my friend used it and had a solicitor too. She just used the help guides to do a lot of it herself e.g. filling out forms rather than asking her solicitor do it and saved a lot. It also helped me understand what was going on and what I could do in my divorce. Hope these suggestions can help!
Wishing you the best xxx

Go to link at top of board to ADVICE NOW