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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Childcare arrangements in the week- what’s fair?

20 replies

Wishfulfilmwatching1 · 15/09/2023 06:01

My stbex currently has our 2 girls (5 and 9) one overnight / day at the weekend and one evening in the week (currently a Thursday).

He works an hour away, so says he can’t have them overnight in the week as he leaves for work at 7 and can’t get them to school in the morning. So, he brings them back to the FMH (where I live, it’s currently on market) at bedtime and puts them to bed here. I try to stay out of the house to give him space to do this- we’re trying to be civil but there’s an awful atmosphere when we’re in the house together.

He now says he wants them for tea another night in the week too as he doesn’t see them enough.

I’m reluctant to give up another night with the girls. They’re in clubs until 5 most nights anyway and I feel like I don’t get enough of them myself. And I don’t want to have to be out of my own home for another night in the week whilst he puts them to bed. It doesn’t feel fair.

I get that he wants to see them more- but I’ve offered him overnight on a Thursday to facilitate this - he says no because of work commitments. But him being late for work one day a week surely isn’t my problem.. for context, I’m supposed to be in work at 9 every day, but am late every day because I have to take them to school every day.

TLDR: ex wants the girls an additional evening in the week, but no overnights.

AIBU to say no to this? It feels like he’s getting the ‘best bits’ (dinner and hanging out) and none of the ‘hard parenty bits’ getting them to school in the morning and dealing with tired kids.

Things are getting fairly acrimonious and I could do with opinions on this as I don’t know if I’m being unfair.

thank you!!

OP posts:

SummerDayz63 · 15/09/2023 07:09

What do the girls want to do, would they like another evening with their Dad? Is he able to get them from school and take them to their club? And could you compromise that he takes them out for tea and then brings them back so you can do bedtime?

PerfectMatch · 15/09/2023 07:11

I think if he wants another evening I would try to facilitate this. You still have them more of the time than him, and you hear of so many dads who barely see their kids at all.

Dotcheck · 15/09/2023 07:12

Can he run them around to their clubs and do dinner etc with them on an extra day?
You can’t just say no because you don’t want to be away from them, he’s their parent too.

FSTraining · 15/09/2023 07:12

I'm slightly confused by how his having only 2 evenings and 1 night would be unfair on you and further confused when you complain that the existing arrangements make you late for work but I won't dwell on this too much except to point out that if this went to court he would probably have a stronger case than you. However, that is not because a court would consider the matter on childish notions of fairness but on the basis of what is in the best interests of the child; a relationship with both parents would figure in that and the amount of contact he is asking for is quite reasonable. Putting the law aside for one moment, if you want to spend more time with the children then they could do less clubs; presumably it is your choice that they go to these.

On the subject of the house, this sounds more like a short term problem as it will go away when it's sold. Whilst you reside in the FMH and he cannot provide suitable accommodation himself as a result, having to be out two evenings a week does not seem a significant ask and might motivate you to get on with a sale more quickly so that you can transition from this limbo to a more permanent future state for your family.

Hopinghonestly · 15/09/2023 07:29

Imo..they are his kids.
A mother has to liase with work to accomodate drop offs or find appropriate care to do so...

So will he...they cant cherry pick certain bits of parenting to cater to their routine.

Loopytiles · 15/09/2023 07:32

He should adjust his work to accommodate parenting, and seems to be ‘cherry picking’.

Loopytiles · 15/09/2023 07:33

I think what you’ve offered is reasonable.

Ostryga · 15/09/2023 07:35

He needs to organise work so he can take them to school, or at least breakfast club on the mornings he has the girls.

Can he have the girls for a full weekend every other, and then if he organises work properly a midweek night overnight. If this ends up going to family court that is where the judge will start.

Tinkerbyebye · 15/09/2023 07:36

I would be tempted to say he can have a Friday night as well as the Thursday, with the Thursday as is, and the Friday he keeps them

i would also be having the conversation that he needs to do something work wise onthe Thursday as when you move he won’t be allowed to put them to bed in your new home

PizzaPastaWine · 15/09/2023 08:10

Does he live close to you OP? If so, why can't he take them to his place? Can he apply for flexible working for one morning a week and have the DC sleep there?

Tbh, if he wants another evening then I'd do my best to facilitate this but I wouldn't be happy for this to be in my house and would not allow the bedtime routine.

For me it would be a huge invasion of my privacy to have him in my home (particularly upstairs). Been there, done that and stopped it pretty quickly.

Your ex needs to make adjustments to HIS life without expecting you to facilitate it.

boomtickhouse · 15/09/2023 08:14

Why don't you move to a fortnightly arrangement of

Week 1: Thursday - Sunday (has has to sort a late start on the Friday).
Weeks 2: Thursday only.

So that would be 4/14 nights but you both get a weekend with them.

LemonTT · 15/09/2023 08:33

It is not a matter of what is fair to you or him. What is right is that you should both do everything you can to ensure that your children are secure and happy. It is beyond questioning that it is very important for children to maintain positive relationships with their available parents.

It sounds like you both have issues with getting to work and this needs to be taken into account. Many parents get around this using school clubs or child care. Every other weekend also sounds like a way to facilitate overnights and more time with their father.

If you don’t find a way to compromise you will pay lawyers a lot of money to try to do this for you.

If you end up in court the judge isn’t going to work out a compromise. He will just decide in favour of the option that is best for the children.

It is untenable for him to continue to spend his with them time in your home. No one will enforce that. Once the house is sold it is not an option.

Im not saying it will be easy to sort out the logistics of clubs, childcare, work or how this is paid for. But you both need to realistically and reasonably try to do that. That’s what is fair to the children.

Loopytiles · 15/09/2023 08:35

OP’s ex is currently not making any work changes. OP is doing so daily.

jannier · 15/09/2023 08:43

Loopytiles · 15/09/2023 08:35

OP’s ex is currently not making any work changes. OP is doing so daily.

Op could do what most working parents do and get childcare or breakfast club possibly claiming the childcare element of tax credits.

jannier · 15/09/2023 08:46

Op I think it would be fair to give dad more access the children deserve more of a relationship with him you get many more evenings with them many families do 50/50 make it clear though that this will include a club run

boomtickhouse · 15/09/2023 08:49

Loopytiles · 15/09/2023 08:35

OP’s ex is currently not making any work changes. OP is doing so daily.

They both need to use breakfast club. 7:30 drop off facilitates most jobs, hence its existence

andyourpointiswhat · 15/09/2023 08:52

There is no really kind way to say this but your language “I am reluctant to give up another evening”, “I have offered him” suggests that you think the children are in some way yours to give. He is their dad, separation sucks but your responsibility is to facilitate a relationship between the children and their dad. How would you feel if you saw your children the same amount of time a week he does? I hear “it’s not my job..” all the time, actually it is.

SheilaFentiman · 15/09/2023 08:59

He needs to have them overnight and start work late once a week.

To the PP - before school club only started at 8am where I am.

Onetwothreefour1234 · 15/09/2023 09:01

I agree he should have more time with his children but also agree with other comments in that he can’t cherry pick when he has them.

As a parent he should also be responsible for the not so fun elements of parenting too (ie morning school run) and he should be having a discussion with his employers to see what reasonable adjustments can be made , to share this.

Original poster

Wishfulfilmwatching1 · 15/09/2023 18:13

Thanks all. Some of that hurt- but I probably needed to hear it.
He left me out of the blue for another woman in May. We were married 15 years and it all feels SO FUCKING UNFAIR!

The injustice stings- but I do know I have to get over it.

thanks again.

OP posts:

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