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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Meeting the OW or OM first time and Co parenting

29 replies

CookieDoughKid · 14/09/2023 06:19

We are seperating after 16 years together . He cheated on me for a year with a woman 17 years his junior. She's 31 and he's not far off 50. We have two teen children. I understand this woman means a lot to him and they are planning to move in together. The news is very fresh to me as he only told me last week.

I don't want him back and I'm not gonna try. He clearly wants to leave. A lot of complex emotions at play.

For those who are coparenting, stop seeing your ex is not an option . How do you manage and what was it like meeting the other man or woman for the first time?

OP posts:
ISeeTrees · 14/09/2023 06:26

Sorry you're going through this OP. It's so terribly common but I know how heartbreaking it is. If you can get some distance for a few weeks it really helps- if someone needs to do handover (not sure how young teens are) then can someone step in for you?
You don't have to meet OW- I've managed to avoid it for 5 years!- but if you feel you need to, try to wait until it feels a little bit less raw.

Kettletoast · 14/09/2023 07:59

no contact handover (easier if teens?)
and communication via a coparenting app only
separate parents evenings

and no need to meet OW - I’d already met her when they worked together before I realised anything was going on!!

heidiwine · 14/09/2023 08:06

I just want to say I think the best thing a parent can do for their children during separation is to maintain a good relationship with the other parent. I say this as a step parent (not OW) where the parents don’t talk and a child of parents who don’t talk.
I think you are being brave and I while I can’t give you advice I wish you luck. I would not go down the minimal contact route - not because he deserves to maintain a good relationship with you but because your children deserve parents who communicate with each other.

Pumpkinpie1 · 14/09/2023 09:09

Why would you want to meet her? Your children are teens so it’s up to them how much contact they want with Father. He would have to be pretty dense to force a relationship between them.
Concentrate on the things that bring joy to your life and don’t let them infect your well-being

Pumpkinpie1 · 14/09/2023 09:30

My Dad left to live with a younger woman. She’s now his carer . Age catches up eventually

EasternStandard · 14/09/2023 09:32

That sounds very hard on you, but do you need to meet her?

Whattodo112222 · 14/09/2023 09:34

I don't agree with pp about maintaining a good relationship with the other parent.
You can maintain a civil relationship whereby there is no conflict in front of the children, however you do not need to go out of your way to be friends.

DiddlyDonut · 14/09/2023 09:42

I'm sorry OP x

You're a lot stronger than me as currently going through similar.

I would say do not meet the OW at the moment. Especially as it's all so raw.

Don't worry about being friendly with the ex, as long as you're not rude and respectful with any communications that will be enough. Although as you say you have teen children you may find it easier to converse direct with them not the ex.

Whattodo112222 · 14/09/2023 09:44

You're a good woman OP for prioritising your children and wanting to make the effort. Don't be afraid to establish boundaries either. You obviously cannot dictate but you can make it clear you and ex are parents and all decisions relating to the kids are made by you and him only.

There's no rush either OP. Take some time to process how you're feeling.

Hugs x

Sunshineandflipflops · 14/09/2023 09:48

I'd already inadvertently met the OW as my ex husband worked with her (also younger...) but once I found out and we separated I had nothing to do with her. It was bad enough she got to meet my children (officially...she had already met them as his 'colleague'). Turns out I think the novelty wore off for both of them within a year or two and they split anyway.

But changeovers were strictly between me and my ex, as were all things child related such as parents evenings, birthdays, etc. We managed to keep things amicable this way and then when they split up our co-parenting relationship became much better. We are both in relationships now and all is fine.

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 14/09/2023 16:36

Thank you for your replies that really helps. I'm creating a code of conduct and parenting plan to get my ex to sign up to and contribute to. I think we can be amicable but it's hard. There's a few things I want to legalise too but will need to speak legal advice (like wills and ringfencing equity).

Not looking forward to ever meeting the OW one day but its unavoidable. If not 5 months from now or 5 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 14/09/2023 16:37

@DiddlyDonut ONE think I've learnt recently is that you can never be good enough for the wrong person.

OP posts:
exDHisatwat · 14/09/2023 16:49

@CookieDoughKid

Can I ask are your children ok with spending time with him with the OW? My ex left following an affair and both of my children now refuse to have anything to do with their dad as he has continued seeing the OW.

The eldest was 15 when he left and told him from the start she wanted nothing to do with him if he was with her. The youngest is 11 and was initially still seeing him but stopped as he was not prioritising her.

RantyAnty · 14/09/2023 17:03

I don't think you need to meet her or anything at this point.

I'd leave it up to the teens as to how much contact they want and dad can work it out directly with them.

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 14/09/2023 19:50

@exDHisatwat Mine don't know yet. My 15yo daughter knows the other woman as daddy's work colleague. They have met several times unbeknown to me and my daughter likes her. I do wonder if that will make a difference and I wouldn't put it past my ex that he has had the talk with my daughter without me.

Time will tell. I'll update you afterwards.

OP posts:
BeenThereDoneThat101 · 14/09/2023 20:08

I don’t think you should feel immediately obliged to meet the OW, but tbh I think it’s a bad idea to never meet them.

It doesn’t have to be an official meeting, but if they stay together she is going to be a part of your children’s lives, potentially mother to their siblings, and while it’s easy to avoid her while the children are still young and as in the case of other posters here the handovers can be managed between the parents, and in your case while the kids are teens they can manage their own time with him, children don’t stay children, and in future there are potentially going to be events where you will be in the same space, weddings, significant birthdays, graduations, and the longer you put off meeting her the more awkward it’s going to be when you do. And it’s not fair on the dc to potentially make their day be that wedding/birthday/graduation about the first time you and what will essentially then be their stepmom meet. Because as hard as it is, they may have a good relationship with her. It’s not a given that they’re going to refuse to see their father after this. I know adults whose parents split because of affairs and they have as good a relationship with the OW/OM as they would if they were just general step parents.

exDHisatwat · 14/09/2023 23:31

@CookieDoughKid

Had you and your ex not been getting on before his affair? If so your children might not be as shocked and cope with it ok. I truly thought I had a very happy marriage and family life so my dh announcing he was leaving as he'd met someone else absolutely devastated our children. They have never met the ow and have said they never want to.

truthhurts23 · 20/09/2023 11:52

Some men see women as stepping stones and placeholders,
like the movie “first wives club”
maybe the first wife was what he needed for the first 20 years,
and then when he feels like the first marriage has run it’s course and it’s time for stage 2, he finds another woman,
usually younger but not always ..
sometimes this will be the dream woman that was unattainable to him before because he was broke or building a business , sometimes she is his fantasy looks wise

look at what happened to Betty Broderick, Dan used her for a come up, she even paid for him to go to college , cooked meals for him , looked after the home and their kids and then as soon as he became successful he dumped her for the woman he really wanted
not saying she should have committed murder but what he did was abusive to her , just used her up and spat her out

bottom line is I don’t think men like this even know what they want , I don’t think true love is even real
I would be satisfied knowing that the new woman has to grow old with him and watch him become an impotent old man , who probably expects her to cook, clean and be his maid, no thank you

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 21/09/2023 10:19

@exDHisatwat I asked my dh for over a year about 5 times if he was having an affair even finding a condom in his room and each time he said no. Yes we were having problems but he mentally checked out and I didn't stand a chance whilst he had an external solution to an internal problem that he owned at least 50%. Our problems were never addressed nor resolved and I fully believe he will take his share of the problems to his next relationship.

OP posts:
Gensola · 21/09/2023 10:24

@exDHisatwat what a shame your daughter chose not to see her dad based on his relationship choice. It’s a form of emotional blackmail to say I won’t have a relationship with you if you’re with XYZ, and is unacceptable from parents to children but also the other way around, no one has the right to dictate who other people are in relationships with. she should have been encouraged to see him separately, no need for her to associate with OW.

afternoonofthetriffids · 21/09/2023 10:33

This thread is interesting. I don’t want to meet the OW (background: my ex had 6 month affair with her, me with 4 month old baby and two year old at home. Horrific gaslighting, ex treated me appallingly, I doubted my own sanity as I knew deep down something was going on and people who love you don’t lie so brazenly and treat you like this. Also I kind of knew OW as they worked together. 10 years younger than me etc - all the standard stuff!).

5 and something years later they are getting married. Ex now wants OW to start coming along to birthday parties, parents evenings etc and I feel I should be able to maintain my boundaries and not be forced into this, given the breathtakingly cruel behaviour I was subjected to during their affair. The thought of having to deal with them in the same room together brings me out in a cold sweat. However I also get that my children may at some point get married and I don’t want this to be a problem. It’s really difficult.

Fairymcclary · 21/09/2023 10:50

@Gensola I think children are affected by their parents choices and the decision to lie and sneak about behind their families back for a few months/years while not thinking of the devastation it causes to their children will mean that some children cut them off completely. The sale of the family home, changed to lifestyle, the parents demonstrating poor values and core integrity - all at a time when a teenager is going through hormonal change and may have their own challenges. We talk as a society about how kids can be affected by so many things (bullying/poor parenting etc) but the devastation of a parent leaving also causes trauma to a child. We tell our children not to lie and sneak around - I can see why that alone would cause an issue to some children when another person is involved.

My friend was a child like that and she describes her decision eloquently and is totally at peace with it 20 years later. She didn’t want to associate with a liar who put their own needs above everyone else. Had the parent left due to being unhappy and not due to another secret relationship the decision may have been different.

@CookieDoughKid If the kids are old enough let them communicate directly with him. Get involved as little as possible. Their relationship may flourish or it may not - you have no control over that. Focus on your children and yourself - make the home and your house values how you and the kids want it to be.

I don’t cheat on my husband for me, he gets on my nerves sometimes, but I have to look at myself in the mirror for the rest of my life. If I can break my own vows and lie and lack integrity then who am I? That would make me low value, I’d lack integrity, my word would be worthless. My values matter to me. I don’t cheat because of me. My word matters to me. My husband is my collateral damage.

Often cheaters have a void they are trying to fill. Poor coping mechanisms, poor self esteem, lack of values or integrity. Inability to communicate effectively. Sense of neediness or unable to self soothe. Addiction issues. Sense of entitlement. Able to build up resentments rather than discussing their feelings. Unless he resolves his issues he is likely to take that into the new relationship but you can’t help him with that. You just need a stable home for you and the children. Look after you and demonstrate the values you want your children to have.

Fairymcclary · 21/09/2023 10:59

Sorry just to add - write down and live by those values every day. That focus may help you get through the next few months.

I once read trying to repair a marriage post affair is the easy option at the time. It appears to mean less change. However fast forward a year - if you left you would be well on the road to recovery and likely to be healing well. In a years time, if you reconcile, you will be slightly more stable but still in the thick of it, fighting to recover alongside a person with the issues described above. Those issues I listed are why most cheaters are not good at reconciliation.

Determine your values and live each day according to them. Write down three things each day. Don’t focus on your ex, focus on being the person you are, live by your values every day and you will be okay.

exDHisatwat · 21/09/2023 11:11

@Gensola

My younger DD was initially still seeing her dad (put in place by me as he just left and made no plans to see them). That stopped after about 6 months as he constantly let her down and prioritised the OW over her. My eldest DD has maintained from the day he left that if he is staying with the OW she wants nothing to do with him, she feels very much as if he left her and has chosen someone over her. I have said all the right things but his actions have made it very hard to defend his behaviour. Her counsellor told her that her feelings are normal given the situation and that the effort should be coming from him.

exDHisatwat · 21/09/2023 11:15

@Gensola

I should add, I have encouraged them both to see him, to the point they became angry with me. For over a year I kept him updated re their lives and asked his opinion on things, I was prompting them to reply to his texts. He then lied to them for over 3 months about something, devastated them all over again and has never apologised. That is why they have pretty much cut contact and I have stopped bothering to let him know anything.