Moving On

[Slidingthrulife]

Husband and I separated at start of year - had a trial separation as he kept saying how unhappy he was … long story short he didn’t try (he thinks a present of a twirl Easter egg is trying …)

April was when we called it

He has met someone else 7 weeks after all
over (told me by text after one date) - we were together over 20 years

Even though it is the right thing I feel I am grieving for a marriage; friendship and future and can’t even think about meeting someone else

Filling life with spending time with kids; work; quiet time; TV and looking after myself

Is it normal to feel total rage that he has moved on and I still feel absolutely on the floor

Please be kind …. Emotions hard at the moment …

Ah sorry no one responded to this. I also feel bad that you have to ask people on MN to be kind. I find that no matter what you post about someone is always looking to punish you so totally get it.

Statistics show that women fair far better than men after divorce because they are doing what you are doing - giving yourself time to mend, self care and facing up to reality.

Men tend to drink more, date sooner and block out the pain which often means they suffer more long term and take longer to get over it (if they ever do).

Honestly, I have become quite cynical in my lifetime about guys. What they themselves will tell you is that having sex is so important to them that it's the first thing they'll look for after a separation. They are literally programmed to pursue women. Men need women far more than the other way around - women tend to be dependent on men early on in relationships because it's natures way of keeping them together with the father of their children whilst both mother and child is vulnerable. In the long-term they are equipped to be more independent than men because they don't have an incessant need for sex.

It is very hurtful what he has done but sadly not at all surprising. I doubt there is much substance in the new affair. In my opinion I think men are more blase about taking a new partner because in the world there is simply a better pool of available women than there are men, There are many nice balanced women around who look after themselves whereas men tend to let things slide. Also men don't have to think twice about their safety with a potential partner - so they just jump right in.

You are working to a completely different schedule than him. FWIW I am in a similar situation - 20 years just come to a close this week and have found out H has already kick started his love life - way before splitting up with me.

I am trying not to let this bother me, however. I feel pleased that I am self sufficient enough not to need to fill a void and instead focus on myself and build up a solid foundation around me and take time to find out what I need. I think you should try and do the same. Tell him to stop contacting you about anything if it helps unless it is to do with your divorce. You don't need to know about the sordid details.

Hi @Slidingthrulife I am in a very similar position, although he had cheated and is still seeing her. She is much younger than him. Much younger. We’ve been apart just over seven weeks and it is raw, we’d been together 27 years and I didn’t see it coming. I am also grieving for what we had and what I thought we would have in the future. I miss silly things - having Sunday dinner together, meeting for a quick drink after work etc. I am also angry and devastated and also on the floor. Some days are better than others, I am holding on to the good bits. We’ll get there I’m sure xx

Same position, except my STBX is a woman. She cheated and left me for the OW and immediately set up home with her. They are out all the time in nice restaurants, have trips away together etc. and she has completely moved on without a backwards glance. I am shattered by it and can't imagine even wanting to meet someone else. I miss her. I miss our life together. It's very hurtful but sometimes life is just shit. It'll get better. I keep seeing a meme which goes "sometimes you don't get what you want because you deserve better." I hope that's right.

Yes, this is normal
look at grief pathway on line.
you ARE grieving- you’ve lost the life you thought you were going to have, the dreams you thought you were going to have. Grieving is a change process, adapting to the change of the new reality. It can take people years to get to that point.
https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/the-5-stages-of-divorce-grief.html

Same here. My 48y dh left me for a 31y OW. They been going on behind my back for a year anf he's literally moving out of our home to a new one within a month of telling me and our devastated teens. 17 years don't seem to count for much respect when there available beautiful flattering women to fuck at the drop of a hat.

Honestly I am getting past the cheating already and started to move on an inch a day. My life is not defined by him or anyone else. I know the goods I have at home and if he doesn't want it that's OK. He can go and never come back.

Be kind to yourself. You are much stronger than you think.

Hi @CookieDoughKid my 48 year old is with a 32 year old so very simular. They met at the gym, so every cliche going! I don’t know her. I’m actually really glad it’s her as I knew immediately it was over and that I’d lost all respect for him. There was no going back.

@CherryPieface I'm sorry to read you are going through the same. What my ex doesn't realise is that we never solved his perceived issues in our relationship. He's just taking those issues with him to his next relationship!!

I was with ex for 5 years. He was the same, moved onto someone gorgeous, and it knocked my confidence massively. I focussed on me, having fun (which was easier as pre-kids) and somehow within a year not only had I met DH I was engaged to him. 10 years later I’m the one with the family, nice home / job, kids, and ex is still in short relationships. You’ll be okay.

thank you all! There seems to be a theme running through which is people moving on quickly but leaving their issues unresolved. Time is a great healer without a doubt and it is about making the best of each day. I am not sure why I am disappointed and upset because I shouldn’t really be surprised!!!!!