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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Why am I crying?

19 replies

jimmymcg · 09/09/2023 14:34

We have been together 24 years, married 19, 2 dc 17, and 14. We have decided to call it a day - it has been a long time coming, getting to the point of him viewing flats before about two years ago . We are here again, and this time it's going to happen. I am the one who is making the break "happen" but he checked out a while ago. He would just stay in the family home in comfort in a "pretend"relationship with me cleaning up after him, but I don't want that. I am not sure what else to write but I want to stop crying.

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Catsafterme · 09/09/2023 14:49

Crying is normal, it's how your body relieves built up stress and emotions. Let it do it's thing it's healthy, you will cry less and less as time goes on.

Sorry your marriage has failed but things will get better, this is a moment in time.

Iworkmiricles · 09/09/2023 14:51

Relief you have made a decision, the reality of enormous task ahead of you, to get him out.

Be kind to yourself, let yourself have a good cry, then stand up and be the strong independent woman you are.

Optomystic · 09/09/2023 14:52

Hi wanted to touch base. Me and my DH talked last night and we are also breaking up after 20 years. I dreamed about this for years and now it’s happened I’m really unsure. I never really knew if I was just fantasising about the grass being greener or if I really do want to separate. Anyway turns out he has more of an appetite for it than I do. I have two DCs 19 and 15. I too am a bit emotional but didn’t sleep last night. I know it’ll be a few weeks until I’ll know my true feelings.

onestepfromgrace · 09/09/2023 14:57

I’m going through this after 30 years together I think we cry for the loss of what we had and the future we thought we had. Because the road ahead is uncertain and we are scared we are unable to cope. In my case I’ve made the decision because of his actions but I still feel devastated.

Original poster

jimmymcg · 09/09/2023 15:10

Thanks for your words of encouragement all, especially those going through it as well. I am sorry that that you are also hurting. I am just worried that the tears mean that I still invested and I thought I was done.

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Original poster

jimmymcg · 09/09/2023 15:13

I'm also thinking that I should be happy that things are not continuing as they were. I also realise I do love him, but I am not in love with him. Such a cliche, but it's the only way to describe it.

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Original poster

jimmymcg · 09/09/2023 15:14

Or I should say I do love him, but I don't love this relationship.

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Optomystic · 09/09/2023 16:43

I think that regardless of how you think, your feelings will always complicate things. You may know it’s over but your soul is in turmoil. In my case the severity of the situation and the dread of what’s to come is activating my adrenal glands something chronic and my heart is racing and I feel sick to my stomach. This is the physiological response I always get when stressed or upset and it can literally last for months. You sound like you cry it out which is at least a release that could well calm you eventually.

we sound in very similar situations. I too have prepped mentally for this but now all the doubts and memories are rushing in and I wish it were just a normal Saturday where I was cleaning and he was doing the DIY. Instead it’s weirdly hot and I’ve been texting my mum all day, on mumsnet and having deep and meaningfuls with H, which are sadly getting more and more dire as I see how totally keen he is to get the eff out and leave my poor son with just me. DD is off to uni next week, neither have a clue about what’s coming.

Senoj1 · 09/09/2023 17:32

This happened to me 6 years ago. For a whole year I told myself it was all his fault. I told myself it had always been a rotten marriage (that was his fault too). I told myself I was finding my real self after all those years when everything had been about him (it hadn't been all about him). After a year my parents convinced me to go to counselling and all I remember doing was crying through the whole thing. At the time I was 100% sure I was right but now i think I made a terrible mistake.

Original poster

jimmymcg · 09/09/2023 17:57

Omg @Senoj1 that sounds really scary. I find myself trying to tell myself that what we have is not that bad. We could carry on for another few years, get the dc14 through school without the turmoil. Maybe I am overreacting/overthinking. But he is not interested in me, but will maintain a semi charade. Has anybody had their (D) H move out and attempted to rebuild a relationship from there. I don't know maybe I am clutching at straws?

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Optomystic · 09/09/2023 17:58

Oh no @Senoj1 . So sad. I hope you manage to square it all. It’s likely that you would have broken up at some point even if you managed to patch up things all that time ago. You may be in a situation whereby time has healed you and now you’re painting a false picture of what has gone before. In my case I think I’ll look back and be glad, but there is a lot of pain to wade through first. Our situation is that he’s leaving due to our differences and I was all for it but things are coming to light and I’m thinking, hang on. You don’t even want to try? Today I find out that he wants to leave so he can pursue other relationships, one of which seems to have already started, whilst I just want to be free. I am willing to hold off until kids are at least gone and then review. He seems in an awful hurry. I wonder why…. ?!

Original poster

jimmymcg · 09/09/2023 18:03

Sorry @Optomystic you situation sounds really difficult, our dc are very similar in age. What makes it worse is the dc 14 is a ds, and he is close to his Dad - my dd17 will also effected but not as much as our ds. Much like your situation I imagine. The other interest that he seems to have must really be a dagger to the heart.

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Original poster

jimmymcg · 09/09/2023 18:06

Btw @Optomystic a normal Saturday here would be me doing the cleaning, him not doing DIY, but going to the pub to watch the football or going to the football.

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onestepfromgrace · 09/09/2023 18:14

I love my DH but it’s exhausting living with him. It’s sapping my energy and strength. I have also thought about how I would like to be on my own in the past.

We have invested so much into long term relationships that it seems there could always be something to save. My friend once told me always choose a man who compliments your life, not complicates it.

Optomystic · 09/09/2023 18:51

That’s great advice @onestepfromgrace from your friend l, trouble is that when I got together with DH I was like candy floss on the breeze. I didn’t know what my life was as i was in my 20s and pretty much drunk all the time! Now I’ve actually built a life I can see he doesn’t really compliment it and according to him I certainly don’t compliment his. Despite the fact we live in the same house and occupy the same physical space.

Original poster

jimmymcg · 09/09/2023 18:56

I think I'm going to remember all the bits that are annoying or undesirable in his character rather than the positives- there are a few, but there are more negatives. And ultimately that has to be the sensible decision- when the bad outweighs the good.

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Original poster

jimmymcg · 09/09/2023 19:38

@Optomystic you last post is so true of our situation too. I heard a thing once that - we commit to each other for life, but for seven years with a renewal option, I think that would be better.

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Original poster

jimmymcg · 09/09/2023 19:39

*shouldn't commit to each other for life...

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Catsafterme · 09/09/2023 21:58

Thing with relationships is it should be equal across the board but doesn't always work out like that. Communication is key also but some just do not want to change how they are or entertain a conversation. That drags you down. Like you doing cleaning and stuff while going out to pub, not fair and a lot of men think it is.

I unfortunately got a total role reversal situation, I actually did right by my wife. Raised our children, don't drink and never went out, cooked, cleaned, cared for the children, for her and was sole provider, I was a workhorse. She was abusive and is now currently trying to destroy me post separation.

I can't wish it never happened because I have amazing children, although they are being withheld but I wish I knew what I know now when I was in my 20s. Don't know shit in your 20s, do you really.

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