How involved were your parents in YOUR separation?

[Holymotherofmoses]

Just as the title asks, I’m being vague enough here I know, but in general how involved were your own parents when YOU were going through separation (regardless of reasons) I’m just trying to gauge some normalcy I suppose? So…we’re they:
-not involved at all
-only involved when asked/spoken to about it
-heavily involved (wanting to know details, why, how, when) using that knowledge to make it personal to them

Thank you.

Er not at all.

@CupOfCoffeePlease thank you for your response

I didn't tell my mum much as she can be hire judgemental and I didn't need that , I confided in my dad more but he never interfered.

Never been married so can't speak from personal experience but I know my parents were involved when my sister got divorced.

Lots of emotional support, some financial support (I don't know the amount but they gave her money to help with cost of solicitor etc) and practical support (eg my Dad went round to her new house to put furniture together for her)0

@mycatsanutter did your dad not pass in information to your mum? Sorry to pry..

@cariadlet so more of a supportive involvement. That is lovely. Did they look for details to satisfy their own emotional needs as such? Such as the reasons for it etc? Giving their opinion, judging etc?

No they weren't together , I wish my dad had given me financial advice thou or pushed me to see a solicitor , I was young and the financial decisions I made solely on my own , which looking back weren't the best !

@mycatsanutter thank you for responding,

I do wish mine had been involved tbh. I'd have loved the emotional support to talk over what was happening and the interest in what went wrong etc. I felt very alone and they just didn't ask all those questions I'd like them to have.

Same thing happened recently when I told them something id dome at work. Ah that's nice... the "probing questions" show interest.

This will be linked to your exiting relationship with your parents though.

My parents were never emotionally supportive. I increasingly became VLC. They gave me no support when I divorced, but I didn't expect any tbh it was just further evidence that they are incapable.

If you have controlling parents they will be desperate to be over involved and tell you what to do etc.

Not in any way at all. I think I barely mentioned it to her to be fair, and she didn’t seek to discuss it. I preferred to seek support from friends.

@RandomMess yes it’s a case of the latter to be honest, wanting to tell what to do, rather than advise, getting angry and judgmental (with some reasoning I may add) but just in general constantly wanting to talk about it and know what’s going on to satisfy their own needs iyswim

At the time, my mum and dad were living in the same town as my sister (U was in a completely different part of the country).

They didn't need need to ask for details; she told them. They had never particularly liked her husband but kept their thoughts to themselves.

When she had really had enough of the way things were, she started talking to my mum and dad about what it was like but it was her opening up and needing someone she could talk to and who would listen rather than them pushing her for info.

Grey rock??
"I don't want to talk about it at all today"

"I will be following my solicitors advice"

@RandomMess nothing I say is good enough, in fact I don’t want to talk about it at all with then because it doesn’t help. It always ends in a blow out and it’s not beneficial to anyone.

Go very low contact?

@RandomMess sadly I think I may have to go down that road for a while at least.

You may find it hugely liberating and wonder why you didn't do it sooner!

@Holymotherofmoses I didn't find it very helpful at all talking to my mum about it especially after she said as my then husband hadn't been violent or had cheated I should be staying with him .

My DD and I left the house after my then H hit my DD. I called the police.

My mother told me to throw my DD out on the street and go back and live with my H.

I didn't.

We don't have a good relationship now.

@Octavia64 oh my god that's awful !!

We were very involved in my DD's separation practically, emotionally and financially. I'm happy to say more, but I'm not sure what you want to know...

@CurlewKate i think the involvement you describe is what I would consider normal. But this is more a demanding, over emotional, judgmental type of involvement. The seem to make it about them. And it’s not without some reasoning I suppose, I had an EA. But they won’t drop it, my dad is very accusatory that it’s still going on. (It’s not!) but I haven’t been happy for a long time and I’m still going ahead with the separation. He is angry ( they both are) and they use anything they can to bring it up over and over.

My parents were involved because I got them involved. I told them a lot of things about our marriage that painted my ex-husband in a bad light so and they supported me. About a year later I was starting to feel i wasn't being fair and it got so they were still slagging him off and i was defending him against them. There was part of me that half-wanted to rebuild the relationship with my husband but it made the prospect extra-difficult because i worried about what they might say. Now it's got to the point my parents think I was a bad mother (my son got into some trouble) and think ex-husband is better off out of it.

@Senoj1 thank you. I/we initially got them involved because we thought they would be supportive, however that all backfired and they made it all about them and their feelings about it.