Hi all,
Not sure where else to reach out, just need advice really. I will try to make this as short as possible!
Married for 9 years, 3 children. Marriage has been ok, but in the last year we have really struggled. I got diagnosed with ADHD, Emotional dysregulation on top of my depression. So I started therapy and meds again.
The meds over the last few months were beginning to help me get clarity on why my brain was so chaotic - the reality is my wife and I haven't really connected/communicated well over the last few years. This has been mainly down to me being closed off (going along with the flow), accepting that we are in a sexless marriage, not sharing the same interests etc.
The issue I have is that I know that if I had brought this stuff up we may have been able to work through the issues, but a combination of my mental health (building up protective walls) and her (understandably) thinking everything was fine has resulted in us drifting apart.
Fast forward to two months ago, we were really in a bad place, my mental health was getting worse, marriage counselling was falling and I made the decision to move out (trial separation).
During the last month, honestly, I have been great. I've connected more with the kids, I have felt better in myself (sleeping better), and the meds are definitely working now! I felt like I was finding who I was, and what I want. But the reality is that it was summer holidays, no pressure just quality time with my kids (who have loved spending time with me).
We made the decision that as the kids have gone back to school that I would move back to the family house for a few weeks, give the kids some stability. The last few days have been ok, no real arguments, honest conversations about things we need to do to make our lives less chaotic, and my wife has really stepped up, listened to me and is genuinely making an effort.
But here I am now very confused. I'm feeling stressed. That could be down to the kids going back to school, but mostly I don't feel as in control as I was during the last month. The reality is that another (proper) trial separation is going to happen in a few weeks - this time for a couple of months.
The underlying issue is that we don't hate each other, but simply I'm not attracted to my wife at the moment, we haven't been intimate for over a year now. Even down to the fact that we haven't kissed/cuddled.
Understandably her parents (who I love), and her best friends have rightly rallied around her, and I understand why I'm public enemy number one. I have lost a lot of friends over this.
So here I am, frankly screwed up. I don't know if I have subconsciously made a decision but am too afraid to say it out loud because of the guilt (with the kids, family, friends). I just don't know that if time would put us back in the right place to move forward.
Anyone been in a similar position? Again, I know this is down to me in the end, but just wanted to reach out...