Confused and feeling sad

[Clevie]

I appreciate this might be a little insensitive considering that people are going through some very horrible separations, but I am really struggling. Me and my husband of nearly 30 years separated 5 months ago. It is very amicable and I know it is for the best. We have three children and lots of shared friends. It is like nothing has changed but everything has changed. He does not have any family other than is mum who I am very close to. It is like we are not together but still spend a lot of time together. There are family pictures all over the house. We are still a family, but how do I move forward.

Hi, I found it helpful to read about the “grief pathway”. You’ve experienced a loss. There’s a lot of emotional turmoil and confused feeling that go with that. Being sad is ok.

I divorced 2.5 years ago after 32 years of marriage, reasons for divorce were complex. Put simply , due to my ex’s sever and enduring mental illness it was a safe guardin* issue for us to live togther,. We split amicably and made a lot of effort to do that. I still regard him as the love of my life and have no interest in dating etc. it is really only this year that I have felt less need to be staying in touch, and have thought much less about him. We have 2 adult DC so I get to hear from them how he is, and I guess vice versa. I remember the first year we divorced I even consider inviting him to Xmas dinner 🙄😱. I now know that I was still emotionally separating and the thought now is hilarious 😂. I used to think all that Martin-Paltrow divorce claptrap about “conscious uncoupling” was a load of shite- I’m now of view there was a lot of sense in it.

my eldest ds stayed with me 3 weeks ago. His verdict on our divorce was that we were both happier and more content for it and it was for the best, despite his upset when it happened.

fwiw, I still have family pictures with exh in- he was part of my life for over 30 years, over half my life, I’m not going to obliterate a chunk of time like that. We had good times, happy times, shared massive experiences, and created and raised our 2 lovely ds. Why would I pretend that didn’t happen? I still wear my engagement ring and even my eternity ring- I like them, they only fit my ring finger, and who cares what other people think. I still use my married name for most things- its been MY name for over half my life - why would I stop one patriarchal tradition for another ?

so, you do what you do. It’s fine. Give yourself, both of you, time . Your relationship will begin to change, gradually emotionally separating. You’ll look back in 6 months and see how things are shifting slowly. And then again in a year or 2. There is no “should” in this. Do what feels right for you.

Things that have really helped me with that emotional separation, is to really make efforts to build my social life and support network away from my ex . I’m an introvert and didn’t find that easy. But my marriage was a lonely place, and I’m now no longer lonely. I have reconnected with my family in a new way. I have a lot of new female friendships and an active social life. I’m now 60 and make a lo t of effort to helpand support other women in my social network, so I can call in favours when I’m in need and a bit older- I guess that’s my vulnerability in knowing I’ll be living alone for the rest of my life. But right now it’s also a real luxury living on my own with no one else to feel I have to please or “keep happy”. My moods are way more stable, my own mental health has massively improved. Whilst I can’t say I am generally “happier”, I don’t look to be happy all the time as I think that’s a false expectation, but I’m more at peace and content the vast majority of the time, and that’s why it was for the best.

Appleofmyeye2023 thank you for your reply, it was very insightful. I think the line is very blurred. We do things most weekends, either with the DC, MIL and my family. He has a very close relationship with my BIL (my BIL would cut that if I asked). We also have a shared dog. He has gone travelling for three weeks today. It made me sad because that was always our future plan. He sent me a message of an interesting local news article whilst he was at the airport. May be he is finding it hard letting go of me also, even though it was his choice. Three weeks being very little contact might be a good thing.

Clevie - I wish it had been for me like it is with your husband or I wouldn't be divorced. In the early days I thought I was moving on. At the same time he wanted to save the marriage. Now it seems he's really moved on and I'm thinking I was wrong. It doesn't sound to me like your husband has really left you. Don't try to be the one who moves on first.

@Clevie. This is a male perspective. It doesn't sound to me as if your husband has stopped loving you.

I reached a point in my marriage where I still loved my wife but I was frustrated with myself for being no more than a good husband and father. I wanted it to be enough but it was as if I had lost respect for myself for being just a family man. That was my half of the combination of factors that led to our divorce. To this day I don't think either of us wanted it but when you're on the slope to divorce it's hard to turn round.

I think your husband could be having similar feelings. If so it's not divorce one needs. It's something more like a holiday or a change of tempo or a refresh.

None of these words puts across what I'm trying to say so I will refer back to my own experience. I am content living on my own. I like being independent and I have more respect for myself for having got through the awful trial of being divorced. In a strange way I'm grateful that it happened.

But if my ex-wife of 35 years turned up on the doorstep out of the blue dressed in some weird ethnic clothes with incense sticks in her sandals and said, "I'm catching a flight to India. Do you feel like coming along?" - I would say, "Give me 10 minutes to pack a bag" and go with her in a flash.

So I would say - as a male reading your post - don't give up on him. It sounds to me as if he still loves you. Think of it as an opportunity for a refresh. Give him a bit of space. Take it as an opportunity to make the changes you want for yourself too.

I hope this is some help and I wish both of you the best.

Sorry - I don't think I made it clear what I meant by all the stuff about ethnic clothes. None of this was our style - so to drop everything and go to India on a whim would be a huge adventure. It's not the person that has to be changed - if one has loved someone for 35 years it doesn't just stop. It's the situation both people have got into and are stuck in.