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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

How to make him leave

15 replies

Clementine183 · 01/09/2023 08:21

I'm posting because I am at my wit's end with my situation and I don't know how to move forward. I filed for divorce last May, and have been legally divorced since January. I knew at the time that my ex would not make things easy, and just had to push past that and carry on regardless. He has no income of his own and has been entirely financially dependent on me; he's also a long-term alcoholic. I got to the point of realising that the situation wasn't tenable and told him so, hence the divorce. Because of his financial situation, he had nowhere to go, and has dragged his heels over sorting out any kind of financial settlement. As a result, we've continued to live together for the past eight months. I pay for everything and the house is in my sole name - he didn't apply for home rights before the divorce so I'm within my rights legally to ask him to leave, but he won't. He also now has somewhere to go to - I've sorted everything out, it's ready and waiting for him to move into, but he still won't leave.

Yesterday we had a lengthy altercation over this and I'm left feeling that I just don't know how to make this happen. I think I am within my rights to contact the police and ask for him to be removed, but I'm scared to do this. One complicating factor is our daughter - she's starting at a new school in Year 7 next week and this is the last time I want to cause major disruption for her (though she's well aware of the situation). I also know that if I involve the police this will antagonise him even further and I'm frightened of the consequences - I just know he will make things unpleasant. He isn't being physically violent towards me and if I even imply that he is, this will be a red rag to a bull and make him worse. He blames me for everything and is very good at getting inside my head and making me worry about things. So I feel a little paralysed - I want to sort it out amicably and a few weeks ago this seemed possible, but he's gone really downhill since then, is drinking a lot and just won't cooperate. I have a new boyfriend, we've only been together three months or so but it's serious and I know I have his support. Also have a supportive family. So I'm not alone, but I feel it, and I just don't know what to do. I can't believe that having come so far in many ways, I'm still stuck in this situation.

OP posts:

tescocreditcard · 01/09/2023 08:39

I think you're going to have to go through the courts - I don't think the police will make him leave.

How are you getting on with the divorce financials? What have you offered him so far and what are the sticking points?

Rose7728 · 01/09/2023 08:41

i would hazard a guess that as your divorced and he's not legally on the mortgage? and not declared home rights you could change the locks and lock him out. Normally i wouldn't say to do this but i think you have a strong legal position. Sure someone will be along to correct this if im wrong but thats what i would do

Voowoo · 01/09/2023 08:52

Ah, the turd that won't flush. When he's out, (and your daughter is at school so doesn't have to witness it) change the locks. Get one of those orders against him? I forget what they are called. So he can't bother you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/09/2023 08:52

Rose7728 · 01/09/2023 08:41

Whenever I'm considering a course of action legally, the questions I ask myself are: what is the legal position? What are the potential consequences of getting it wrong? What are the chances that is going to happen?

In this case you are divorced, he has no home rights, he has somewhere to go. So the chances of him doing something legal if you get the police or lock him out are small. Potentially he could choose a non-legal course of action but he could do that anytime.

I'd give him a date to move out, in writing, and change the locks if he doesn't.

millymollymoomoo · 01/09/2023 09:01

Have you finalised the consent order snd financials ? If not, the house is still a marital
asset and he has a claim on it even though you are divorced .

itsmeafterall · 01/09/2023 09:02

That sounds shit and you've been very accommodating and far too nice for too long.

Choose a day he's going out

Pack up his stuff put it outside and change the locks.

Send him a note saying that's what you've done.

Alternatively get his stuff shipped to his new digs so it's not cluttering up your front garden.

If you're not hard he will stay forever. Cocklodgers do that.

I hope you get it sorted soon

tescocreditcard · 01/09/2023 09:05

Sorry OP it's not clear from your post - are you just divorced or are you divorced with a financial order completed?

AuntieEsther · 01/09/2023 09:11

After this long it should be obvious you won't be able to do this amicably so just get it done. Arrange for your DD to stay with family for a day or 2 and get him out. Put his things on the front step and change the locks.

caringcarer · 01/09/2023 09:35

Rose7728 · 01/09/2023 08:41

Wait until he has gone out and your DD is at school. Get locks changed and leave details in an envelope for him of where he should go. Then collect your DC from school and take her out somewhere so he's not waiting for you when you get back to the house. Even stay overnight at a travel lodge if you have to. He can't stay outside your house indefinitely.

Original poster

Clementine183 · 01/09/2023 10:12

Thanks all. I can see that I probably am going to have to go harder to get this done. I suppose I've been hanging on just hoping that I'd be able to avoid it, but it does look increasingly unlikely at this point. I think that he would have no legal recourse if I were to throw him out, no. It's just quite difficult in a practical sense, as he barely leaves the house really, and he's drunk a lot of the time so it's not exactly easy to get him to do anything.
Unfortunately my parents are away in France until the 11th but I suppose I can hang on a couple more weeks. My daughter is already due to stay with them on 15th and 16th so I guess I could push things forward then if I haven't managed to already by that stage. I just want to do it with minimum disruption for her but the reality is that there will be some.
@tescocreditcard no financial order - we're divorced in the basic legal sense (did it online via the no fault method which doesn't require the other party's consent). That side of it was very simple! We haven't really got far in negotiations yet. He just keeps saying "well the starting point is 50%" and then not taking the conversation any further. My solicitor feels strongly that for various reasons I should push for more than that, but it's difficult to have any sort of sensible legal conversations with someone who is so often drunk - he basically uses it as a defence mechanism against having to do anything I think.

OP posts:

MiniCooperLover · 01/09/2023 11:07

So from the sounds of things OP he intends to go for 50% of the house? Is it a marital asset?

tescocreditcard · 01/09/2023 11:36

It sounds as though he's waiting for you to buy him out then. You should get more than 50% if you've got dependant children in your care.

Go and find out how much money you can borrow, and on the strength of that, you'll be in a position to make him an offer. It sounds as though he's waiting for money.

I hope you don't mind me asking but why did you get divorced before the finances were sorted? It's usually done the other way round. Thats not a criticism by any means, just a genuine question.

SpamFrittersYouSay · 01/09/2023 11:42

You need legal advice. Just thinking that he hasn't got any entitlement isn't enough.
He may well have some claim.

millymollymoomoo · 01/09/2023 13:01

It’s not always the case that the person with children gets higher -% or that the person who paid more gets more

the house is a marital asset and he will be due something from it - this needs sorting legally and properly. While it is a marital asset you might not actually be able to throw him out despite being divorced - I don’t know as not a lawyer. Does your solicitor say you can?

you must sort the finances !

Original poster

Clementine183 · 02/09/2023 14:47

The house is a marital asset yes - my solicitor seems to think I should get more than 50% of the equity due to special circumstances, but of course there's no guarantee. Although it's an asset, this doesn't affect his (lack of) entitlement to live there at this stage; as we're now divorced and he has no home rights and it's my sole name on the mortgage, he doesn't have a legal right to remain there... or at least that's what I've been told.

In terms of why I did the legal divorce part first, I hadn't especially planned on doing this, just started the process, and it was quicker and smoother than I had anticipated. In the meantime I was hoping to sort finances in parallel, but he was so non-cooperative, and a lot of the time not really present/compos mentis, that this proved a lot harder. I did check in with my solicitor that it was ok to finalise the divorce before the financial settlement, and he said yes, as long as neither of us was getting married again imminently, so I just went with it.

Managed to have a conversation this morning and compromised on the 23rd as a moving out date. To be honest, I have no idea whether or not this will happen, and if it doesn't I'll obviously have to get a lot harder, but I thought it was reasonable to set a date and give him a chance to do this more amicably. Not sure how it will pan out and I feel very apprehensive but just have to wait and see I suppose.

OP posts:

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