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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Giving ex an ultimatum?

23 replies

BananaSlug · 31/08/2023 13:34

Has anyone given their ex an ultimatum, does it work? I thought about it and realised my ex has only seen our children 3 times in 11 months, the first was near Xmas then 2 birthdays, he was meant to come to another one but couldn’t afford to travel apparently?! He lives in the same city and doesn’t work so no excuse. I’m thinking of giving him an ultimatum of either step up or step out? I want to block him since he hasn’t seen the children since Early may, he didn’t once ask to see them during the holidays knowing they are at home every single day. Should I try one more attempt to ask him if he is going to step up? Before 11 months he didn’t see them for 2 years then got back in contact so I was hoping he was ready to be a dad but clearly not. It’s confusing and upsetting the children.

OP posts:
trevthecat · 31/08/2023 13:51

I wouldn't say anything. Just leave it. He may get in touch at some point, then tell him where to shove it. Just get on with your life never expecting him to contact you again.

Original poster
BananaSlug · 31/08/2023 13:56

He contacts often just doesn’t ask to see them the reason why I want to block as it feels unfinished like he can just pop back up whenever he wants

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Ghostjail · 31/08/2023 13:59

As above. I know how hard it is to watch your children being disappointed but it is not your place to issue ultimatums or to prevent him from seeing the children when he does decide to show up. The relationship belongs to him and the children. You can't and shouldn't control it. If you tell him to go away...then the narrative becomes "your mum kept you all away from me". Let him be the one who shows the children who he is and you be the one who loves them and supports them and is the shoulder for them to lean on.

Ghostjail · 31/08/2023 14:00

How old are they?

Original poster
BananaSlug · 31/08/2023 14:04

The children aren’t interested in seeing him 🤷🏻‍♀️ My boys refuse to speak to him it was me that encouraged them to speak to him again after 2 years

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Original poster
BananaSlug · 31/08/2023 14:05

And I’m not trying to stop contact I’m trying to get him to step up, he cannot continue with seeing them 3 times a year that’s not fair and is upsetting the children

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trevthecat · 31/08/2023 14:05

How old are they?

Original poster
BananaSlug · 31/08/2023 14:07

12 down to 6

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Ghostjail · 31/08/2023 14:07

Giving him an ultimatum gives him the excuse not to see them and for you to be the bad guy.

Original poster
BananaSlug · 31/08/2023 14:09

Doesn’t see them anyway

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Ghostjail · 31/08/2023 14:43

I know. But this way it is entirely his responsibility. And your interference doesn't muddy the waters for your children.

You can facilitate a relationship without ultimatums and keeping very clear and strict boundaries. So don't cancel existing plans, give him set times to call the children. If the children don't want to go don't force them but let them know they can change their minds.

ConnieTucker · 31/08/2023 14:48

Ghostjail · 31/08/2023 14:43

I know. But this way it is entirely his responsibility. And your interference doesn't muddy the waters for your children.

You can facilitate a relationship without ultimatums and keeping very clear and strict boundaries. So don't cancel existing plans, give him set times to call the children. If the children don't want to go don't force them but let them know they can change their minds.

This. Dont mention him. He will lose interest.

Original poster
BananaSlug · 31/08/2023 14:51

He never calls the children ever, he only contacts every few months, so if no one ever pulls up men like this why would they bother to change if they think this behaviour is ok and no one will say anything about it? If he asks to take them to the cinema after not seeing them for 4 months and I’m like “ok sure” why would he ever bother to step up or be better if he doesn’t have to 🤔

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Ghostjail · 31/08/2023 15:42

Because it's too late. And you're not his mum. You are not the person to pull him up or challenge him. You don't have that kind of relationship. It will cause conflict and stress you out. Trying to change or control him will be like hitting your head off a wall - the only thing that will change is that you'll end up hurt and frustrated.

GingerIsBest · 31/08/2023 15:44

You could give him an ultimatum, but I see no upside for you. He might then say, "fine, I won't see them then" but trust me, you will be seen as the bad guy by him, by your dc and by everyone else.

What you can do is protect your DC by not forcing it. If he wants to see them and puts the effort in, fine, but don't make effort yourself and don't force them to if he's then just going to let them down.

FlorenceTheFerocious · 31/08/2023 15:45

You could block him on your phone and ask him to email re the kids only? What is he contacting you for if not to discuss the children and arrange contact?

Nochoiceleft · 31/08/2023 15:53

If he asks to take them to the cinema after not seeing them for 4 months and I’m like “ok sure” why would he ever bother to step up or be better if he doesn’t have to 🤔

At this point my reply wouldn’t be “ok, sure”. I think I would either completely ignore or reply to say he is welcome to set out a stable plan for seeing the children and you will consider the children’s best interest.

Original poster
BananaSlug · 31/08/2023 17:38

FlorenceTheFerocious · 31/08/2023 15:45

You could block him on your phone and ask him to email re the kids only? What is he contacting you for if not to discuss the children and arrange contact?

Asking me for money was one of the reasons! Claiming he loves me 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Original poster
BananaSlug · 31/08/2023 17:41

I should add my kids already know he isn’t interested in seeing them so I don’t think they will believe any claims that “your mum stopped me” they already know he isn’t bothered about seeing them. He makes plans with them to see them then doesn’t show up so trust me they know.

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muchalover · 31/08/2023 17:43

Why do you want your children exposed to this man?

I would stop responding to communication myself.

Original poster
BananaSlug · 31/08/2023 17:47

I don’t. But everyone else is saying he should be?! I agree he shouldn’t I want to stop contact he is a waste of space who doesn’t care about them but apparently I’m the bad one

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Ghostjail · 31/08/2023 20:04

I dont think anyone is saying you are "the bad one". Just that your only job in this situation is to support your kids. The minute men like this are told they can't have access is the minute they decide they really, really need to and have a right to. They go to court and get an order. Putting the kids and their present parent through months and months of stress and conflict. But they still won't step up.

Do you honestly, honestly think that if you gave him an ultimatum he would see the light and become the best dad in the world? You know he'll either dig in for his "rights" or bugger off and blame you.

Original poster
BananaSlug · 31/08/2023 21:33

He wouldn’t go to court I’m not worried about anything like that, he didn’t see them for 2 years he has only been back in contact since October 2022. I want him to go away if he can’t be bothered to see them properly then he shouldn’t have got back in contact.

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