Friends and family in divorce

[Elektra1]

DW and I split a few months ago after she left me for another woman. It was very abrupt and unexpected. We have one DC (4).

Since leaving, she has followed "the script", devalued our entire marriage, and is now making financial proposals that would see me and DC living somewhere horrible while she lives a lovely life (she earns 4x what I do).

Something I'm really struggling with is friends and family. I loved my in-laws, they seemed to love me. But they welcomed the OW into the family straight away and cut me off. On top of that, a couple of STBXW and my mutual friends have remained studiously impartial, which I find really hard. If one of my friends treated their spouse this way, I would find it hard to continue the friendship and would at least tell my friend I thought their behaviour unacceptable.

I feel I've lost everything, and am disappointed in the friends in particular. I don't know whether to tell them how I feel or just accept that our friendship is another casualty of STBXW's affair.

Anyone else experienced this?

Yes...I got completely trashed. Labelled all sorts to fit the narrative. What was annoying was it was all behind my back so i couldnt even defend myself...

I figured if people dont even want to hear truth, or want to believe the Ex so badly they wont even question obvious inconsistencies..they are not worth it anyway. In time they will see the truth..but then are they worth it? If they can turn so blindly wont you always feel insecure that they can turn on you any moment if it benefits them?

I would focus on being strong and your children. Dont rise to it, any heated emotions on your end will just work in her favour. Will you have the children most? If so sort out CMS and ensure you fight to provide a suitable start for you and the children, they need you for stability and love right now.

Distract yourself from the hurt by spending as much quality time as possible with the kids.. i find my daughter so healing.

Think of a new life for you all. Do you think she will still be reliable at all for them?

I know it hurts but you dont know what she has been saying to her family about you. :(

Also remember...you will get the last laugh. You will have your family and when ready a relationship on the right footing.

She has thrown it all away for a cheat...not exactly the best odds of a succesful partnership.

Re DC, STBXW is doing the classic move of suddenly wanting 50/50 despite never having done a single sick day, doctor's appt, night waking, early morning etc pre-split.

She tells everyone that her new relationship isn't the reason we split - we were just very unhappy and coincidentally she started a new relationship the second she left me (or in fact, before, though she denies it). I wasn't unhappy. I loved her and believed in our marriage.

Although I work, when we had DC we agreed that I'd be the one to pick up most of the slack on nursery pick-ups, sick days and so on and she'd have the big career. She was very financially controlling so kept all of what she called "our savings" in accounts in her name and magically, once she left me, she decided that "our savings" were in fact hers (because she earned it), and has spent them all already. Despite a massively higher earning potential than I have, she thinks 50/50 and a clean break is fair.

All of that I could cope with as just shit things people do in divorce. It's the lack of support/loyalty from some close friends, and her family, that I can't understand. How can people just accept their friend/child/sister having an affair and leaving? It's like our marriage was nothing to anyone except me.

Most people don’t expect their ex’s family to remain a support after separation and divorce. It occasionally happens. But at best you would only expect them to remain friendly and cordial not to be supportive. Anything else would be rare.

Mutual friends remaining neutral is par for the course. I don’t think it is a betrayal for people to want to keep out of it or to be willing to listen and empathise without taking sides. You end up having to interact with ex’s at schools, clubs, parties etc. In any of those groups there will about half who are divorced from someone the others know. Taking sides all the time would create social breakdown.

In relation to the acceptance of the OW. MNers make a lot of noise about how they would confront or challenge an OW brought into their family or friendship group. In reality that doesn’t happen an awful lot. Most people end up saying nothing and accepting affair partners at least to some extent.

I think you are setting a high benchmark of behaviour for other people that is beyond normal expectations. It could leave you isolated from the people around you many of who you will need to interact with anyway.

Honestly op. You need to be realistic here. If my sister or friend behaved badly and left her spouse. I'd tell her but I wouldnt cut her off. She would still be my family or friend and wouldn't have wronged me personally. You deciding that they should all ostracise her seems unrealistic. Surely you see that.

Re 50.50. If it's a relatively short marriage it is probably reasonable regardless of whether she is a higher earner than you. You still kept your job since your dd was born even if you did do more of the heavy lifting so didn't suffer a financial loss..

I

I did suffer a financial loss though. At exactly the point at which my career was going up, I took the mat leave and I then took on the responsibility for all child-related stuff. STBXW and I were at broadly similar points and salary points in our careers before I got pregnant. She then rocketed, which she was only able to do because I had the baby, I took the mat leave, and I supported her at home by doing all the domestic stuff while she worked late. Prior to that I used to work late too.

The asset split won't be 50/50, purely because on a needs basis, due to our respective financial positions, my need is greater than hers.

Re the friends, I don't expect anyone to ostracise STBXW - wouldn't want them to either. But I do find it hard that those friendships seem to just continue as though she hadn't treated me absolutely appallingly.

Op. It's not clear what you are hoping for from your friends? Are you expecting them to 'punish her ' somewhat.

Have you thought about what you were hoping for in real terms ?

I suppose I'd just like it if someone were to point out to her that she hasn't behaved very well, and expecting me to just slink off with my tail between my legs just because she's decided in surplus to requirements, is not the way to treat the person she once thought enough of to marry and bring a child into the world with.

As hard as it is I think you have to forget about the love you once shared in order to preserve yourself. All broken marriages/relationships once had love and shared experiences in them. Now, you need to look after yourself and your child and become strong again. It's not easy. I have lost mutual friends after my split where they have simply distanced themselves from me but continued spending time with the ex. Equally other friends have moved more towards me. If friends 'choose' sides or you feel they are not supporting you enough you need to decide whether they are worth being in your life. For me, I'd take a handful of genuine caring friends over 2 handfuls of mixed loyalty ones. Many people don't like confrontation or to 'get involved' so will keep very neutral. You maybe need to think about how much that matters to you. I have been there and am still going through bitter moments 3 years on (new partner and with 2 shared kids with ex) so remember you are not alone. Sometimes I'm very strong and take a 'fluff it' approach but as we're all human and emotional beings at the end of the day, sometimes I wobble. Chin up!x

Thanks @Eminator75, that is an encouraging message. And good to hear you have a new partner. I can't imagine that right now but I don't want to be alone forever either.

It's so hard having all these feelings about the demise of my marriage and all the hopes and dreams I had for our future (I thought WE had for our future...) while STBXW is out there feathering her new nest with her new partner, socialising with her, planning holidays etc., as if nothing has happened.

How can people just accept their friend/child/sister having an affair and leaving? It's like our marriage was nothing to anyone except me.

Gently I think you are being unreasonable here. Your marriage wasn't really anything to any of these people, it was between the two of you. They might think she's made a mistake/done wrong but she hasn't hurt them personally and most people do forgive their family members/friends for making mistakes in other areas of their lives. I don't think you are being realistic.