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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Christmas Arrangement - what’s reasonable??

38 replies

MyGirl88 · 28/08/2023 22:04

My husband left me for another woman around 6 months ago. It is what it is, and I’m doing my best to keep up my husbands and daughters (age 2) relationship.
I can’t work out what’s reasonable or not anymore when there’s so many emotions involved so any input is appreciated.

My husband doesn’t live somewhere that allows children after moving out, so can only see our daughter at our house every few days. He has lots of demands and it feels like he expects me to bend over backwards for everything he wants. He has a wonderful family in Ireland and takes our daughter over to visit them whenever he gets a chance, which I think is great for her, even though it’s hard to spend long periods of time apart.
He has just told me he wants to take our daughter to Ireland for the whole Christmas period. I can’t bare the thought of not seeing my 2 year old at all, but I don’t want to break down any relationships. Is his request reasonable?
divorces with children involved are just hard!

OP posts:

Blueberrystraw · 29/08/2023 07:59

Think really hard about what you want and try to get a plan drawn up
What gets decided now often sets a pattern

this happened to me, then OW had a baby and it’s all a big mess; I wish I had got things settled at the outset!

TerfTalking · 29/08/2023 08:04

Stop letting him mug you off. Hard no from me.

LizzieBet14 · 29/08/2023 08:42

Absolutely not! 2 weeks!?! Completely unreasonable. Do you have anyone to support you through all this? Please do not be a walkover - your DD needs you too.
The most I would agree to would be from lunchtime on Christmas Day for a week.
Is it just me that doesn't trust him to bring her back in time for Xmas day if he took her a couple of days before? Something would definitely crop up...... Please don't put yourself in a vulnerable position.

ConnieTucker · 29/08/2023 08:48

Blueberrystraw · 29/08/2023 07:59

Think really hard about what you want and try to get a plan drawn up
What gets decided now often sets a pattern

this happened to me, then OW had a baby and it’s all a big mess; I wish I had got things settled at the outset!

This op. You need to set the standard from the start. He isnt a reasonable man.

and I’m doing my best to keep up my husbands and daughters (age 2) relationship.
that’s is his job.

My husband doesn’t live somewhere that allows children after moving out, so can only see our daughter at our house every few days.
nope. Not a chance. He needs to make better choices. He cannot move somewhere that bans children and expect you to be the answer. Dont let him in.

He has just told me he wants to take our daughter to Ireland for the whole Christmas period.
that is nit reasonable when he cannot even care for her weekly.

Duchessofspace · 29/08/2023 08:53

Imnoonesfool · 28/08/2023 23:08

We have been dealing with this for the past 18 yrs since DSS was 3. It’s every other year Christmas Day. The parent who doesn’t get Christmas Day gets Boxing Day …. We have never had a situation when one parent gets both days

This we alternate a week before up to Boxing Day and the week after from Boxing Day to new year.

he has no right, to see her at your house - he can sort himself out and his care and if he doesn’t have a suitable place he needs to get one

Duchessofspace · 29/08/2023 08:53

Draw a line by the way, and grey rock if he kicks off

Copperoliverbear · 29/08/2023 10:40

I would not except that he left he doesn't get to call the shots, tell he can come to yours Christmas morning and Boxing Day morning if you don't mind.
Put your foot down now he will be calling the shots otherwise until your daughter is an adult

gamerchick · 29/08/2023 10:45

Why are you bending over for him OP? He's fucking you over. Stop ruddy contact at your house. It's not your problem he has nowhere to go and I'd be wondering what he was planning long term.

See a solicitor and get contact hammered out in court. For your own and your bairns protection.

caringcarer · 29/08/2023 10:54

Soontobe60 · 28/08/2023 22:48

It would be a no from me. He can collect her on Boxing Day if he can get transport to Ireland, or as soon as possible after then.

This. He can't have everything his way. If you are separated you have to share Xmas. If you have her Xmas Eve and Xmas day up to say 4pm then he can collect her and take her to Ireland then and bring her back to you before the end of the year. This would give him 5 whole days over Xmas time with her. Also what about your family spending time with DD?

Phillipa12 · 29/08/2023 11:15

We split Xmas and new year. So my 3 boys will go to their dad on the 21st and come home on the 27th this year and I will get new year, next year it will be my turn for xmas
They have been doing this since youngest was 1 and it means we both get a decent amount of time to enjoy xmas. Can he take daughter on the 20th to the 26th? Definitely do not agree to 2 weeks.

Stomacharmeleon · 29/08/2023 12:08

There is no way I would agree to a fortnight. I have split Christmas and new year and years down the line we try and accommodate each other. I have always tried to remove emphasis on the 'day' and make it more about the period.
But that's too long. For both her age and needs. And his accommodation faults are not your concern. He shouldn't be living somewhere he can't have her and your separation is going to be all the more painful if he is round every couple of days.

InspectorGidget · 29/08/2023 12:14

All the no's.

Do not even give the hope to him he can ever take her to Ireland for a week over Christmas. Ever.

You're already being more than accommodating.

A friend had a very acrimonious divorce that went through court and her ex tried to dictate Xmas. They mandated Xmas morning to be alternated so one has Xmas Eve to 1pm Xmas day. Then the other has from 1pm and then Boxing Day.

Her ex still tries to renegotiate but the court order means she only changes the plan if it suits her.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 29/08/2023 13:30

Stop letting him walk all over you. There is no reason for a 2 year old to be away from her mother for Christmas or extended periods of time.

This is your first Christmas since he left you for another woman. You tell him under no circumstances will your daughter be spending Christmas with anyone but you. He can have her for New Year and if that doesn't suit then tough.

Stop the contact visits at your house, he can collect but not come in. It's not your problem he lives somewhere that doesn't allow children.

It's up to him to put the effort in to maintain a relationship with his daughter, stop pandering to him.

If he throws a strop tell him to leave your house at once as you won't tolerate man child behaviour.

This is the time to stand up to him, put very firm boundaries in place and let him see you won't be a doormat for him.

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