ExDH’s new wife

AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters · 2023-08-28T20:33:40+00:00

I feel so angry towards my ex and his wife. Since they met, ExDH has seen the kids less and less. She hasn’t been nice or welcoming to our two DDs. She won’t let them sit on the sofa beside their dad, shouts at them a lot and tells them they are annoying. If things don’t go well she storms off and slams doors. Things deteriorated to the point that the kids didn’t go to their wedding. Ex DH and his wife have now moved abroad to the country she is from with no explanation to the kids. Now, my exMIL has told me that the new wife ‘feels uncomfortable’ when EXDH phones or sees the children and he feels “torn”. I just feel so angry for my children. There isn’t much I can do. Why are some men so weak?!?! ExDH hates me for leaving him so won’t listen to me. Just wanted to rant anonymously.

continentallentil · 28/08/2023 22:44

I am very sorry.

However upset he may be with you, you were entitled to end the marriage if you wanted to. He should never take it out on his kids.

Is there anyway you can organise a proper conversation with him about this? Are you ex in laws supportive? Is he still willingly paying child support?

Starlightstarbright2 · 28/08/2023 22:52

you Can call him ExH he definitely isn’t darling …

I would be so angry at ExH .. just imagine if you met a guy and behaved that way towards your children - they would be out the door .

The one thing I learnt about my exH slower than I should . I can’t change him , can’t make him a better dad . Once I got my head round that i had more emotional energy to support my Ds .

Original poster

AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters · 28/08/2023 23:13

Yes, he still pays child support but it’s less than he is supposed to and I have to ask for it every month so it is never on time.
ex’s family are supportive of the kids. I don’t really see them. ExMIL spoke to me because she is so shocked and upset by it. The kids are 14 and 17 so unfortunately know exactly what is going on.
Ex fought me for years to have the kids every weekend. Eventually we agreed on three weekends out of four. This worked okay for 6 or 7 years. In 2022 he saw them three times - despite living a ten minute drive away.
My real worry is that the new wife is managing to
make the kids seem responsible for this.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/08/2023 23:25

He’s their father, he’s the one letting them down so badly. She didn’t do any of the things you describe without his explicit or implicit agreement. He’s to blame.

Thelonelygiraffe · 28/08/2023 23:55

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/08/2023 23:25

He’s their father, he’s the one letting them down so badly. She didn’t do any of the things you describe without his explicit or implicit agreement. He’s to blame.

Just what I was thinking!

He's the responsible one here. He's their father. Don't blame her.

Fraaahnces · 29/08/2023 00:18

Tell ex MIL that ex is a spineless, weak, unreliable excuse of a father who has to be chased for the pittance he pays which is a lot less than he is required. He made the choice to be with this harridan and never see his kids. He tolerates and accepts her rejection of his children.

Original poster

AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters · 29/08/2023 06:55

I agree. My ex is completely responsible.
There are too many examples to go into but she has been horrible to my children and slowly pushed them out over the years then denied it so I feel angry towards her too.

OP posts:

WandaWonder · 29/08/2023 06:57

You are asking why men are so weak like they don't have a mind of their own, you have an exh problem, talk to him and stop blaming her

SPF50 · 29/08/2023 07:00

Sounds like the new wife is a controlling narcissist and that he is in an abusive relationship.

Original poster

AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters · 29/08/2023 07:31

I didn’t mean my post to sound like I blame her. Reading it back I can see it does seem that way.
I believe he is fully to blame and completely responsible. But I feel angry towards her too.

OP posts:

Namechangedforthis2244 · 29/08/2023 07:38

He sounds like an awful father.

I wonder whether something which would be really supportive for the kids would be if you support them having a closer relationship with his family?

It sounds like mil firmly agrees with you. Are there other members of the family who you could support the kids spending time with?

So that they keep those links into adulthood even if they decide not to have anything to do with their father.

Original poster

AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters · 29/08/2023 07:47

Yes, DH’s family would be supportive to the kids. None of them speak to me but I can suggest the kids get in touch with their two uncles and older cousins. I’ve already suggested they make plans with exMIL for this weekend

OP posts:

Mylovelygreendress · 29/08/2023 07:49

I don’t agree with people saying not to blame the new wife . Yes, the ex is mostly to blame but it’s not acceptable for the new wife to shout at the DC or make them feel uncomfortable.
OP I went through something very similar many years ago . Ex and new wife ( who was the OW) didn’t invite our DC to their very large wedding .
They weren’t allowed to be alone with their father on the odd occasion they saw him . Etc etc
They are now adults and have very very little contact with their father .

Mylovelygreendress · 29/08/2023 07:51

Also , ex in-laws had no contact at all ( not even a birthday card) after ex remarried . This was at new wife’s insistence .

Iwasafool · 29/08/2023 07:56

Fraaahnces · 29/08/2023 00:18

Tell ex MIL that ex is a spineless, weak, unreliable excuse of a father who has to be chased for the pittance he pays which is a lot less than he is required. He made the choice to be with this harridan and never see his kids. He tolerates and accepts her rejection of his children.

So exMIL is upset about what is happening but hey let's kick her, I mean an older woman is an easy target isn't she. Being upset isn't enough so why not have a go at someone who is being supportive of the kids in this situation.

Iwasafool · 29/08/2023 07:57

Mylovelygreendress · 29/08/2023 07:49

I don’t agree with people saying not to blame the new wife . Yes, the ex is mostly to blame but it’s not acceptable for the new wife to shout at the DC or make them feel uncomfortable.
OP I went through something very similar many years ago . Ex and new wife ( who was the OW) didn’t invite our DC to their very large wedding .
They weren’t allowed to be alone with their father on the odd occasion they saw him . Etc etc
They are now adults and have very very little contact with their father .

I agree with you, he is being weak and she is being evil.

LadyBird1973 · 29/08/2023 08:23

I also think you can blame the new wife as well as your ExH! He's spineless and pathetic, but it doesn't mean she isn't also a piece of shit!

Sadly there's nothing you can do about this. If ex mil has anything about her, she will be laying into her son about how utterly unacceptable his behaviour is and that might have an impact. But it will probably be too late for your poor dc to get over this. All you can do is be the parent they can trust and rely on.

caringcarer · 29/08/2023 08:42

AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters · 29/08/2023 07:47

Yes, DH’s family would be supportive to the kids. None of them speak to me but I can suggest the kids get in touch with their two uncles and older cousins. I’ve already suggested they make plans with exMIL for this weekend

I think it's important your DC still has contact with their paternal relatives. I'd write the pathetic penis led father off.

Hibiscrubbed · 29/08/2023 09:11

She’s trying to erase his life that went before, and he’s allowing it. What a cunt.

Bumblebee1120 · 29/08/2023 20:10

OP I feel for you and your girls. Awful behaviour from their father and step mother.
I had a similar situation to this and held on by a friend thread to my relationship with my Dad despite my stepmothers best efforts to make it unbearable. As an adult she still managed to turn him against his children , he was too weak to stand up against her and I now have no relationship with him and my children no relationship with their Grandfather. His choosing. I tried and tried , I offered all kinds of apologies for basically existing , kept communication open , tried so hard to have a normal relationship with them both. But she hated us from day 1 and made that very clear and my father is too spineless to stand up to her. Only difference with your girls is that its happened now rather than when they are adults. I know its awful painful and traumatic- but the only good thing is that its happened now and they dont have to endure any more displaced anger and hostility towards them, not to mention watching their own father accept this for them over the years . It has a lasting impact and its damaging. Myvstepmother was awful to me on my wedding day, awful to me one week postpartum. You dont want this woman treating your girls like this over their special occasions or long term. Raise them up , suppport them to accept your ex and his wife for the dysfunctional unhealthy adults they are and reiterate again and again their fathers and step mothers behaviour nothing to do with the people they are. Sending gentle hugs to you and your girls xxx

Original poster

AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters · 29/08/2023 22:01

@Bumblebee1120 thank you for your lovely message. I’m sorry you went through that. Xx

OP posts:

Mumof3confused · 01/09/2023 10:25

It sounds like she is abusive and he is too weak to do anything about it. He should protect his children with his loyalties being with them first and foremost. I think your children could do with some family therapy perhaps to help them see it’s not their fault, which is often what children believe.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/09/2023 10:27

Not sure why you’ve titled it as you have? She owes you nothing. He does. Presumably he has free will? He’s the one you need to be directing your anger at.

HaddawayAndShite · 01/09/2023 10:36

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/09/2023 10:27

Not sure why you’ve titled it as you have? She owes you nothing. He does. Presumably he has free will? He’s the one you need to be directing your anger at.

RTFT or even just OPs posts. It’s clear OP does feel exactly that way. It’s easier to stick the boot in further though than actually be supportive though huh?

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/09/2023 11:22

HaddawayAndShite · Today 10:36
MrsSkylerWhite · Today 10:27

Not sure why you’ve titled it as you have? She owes you nothing. He does. Presumably he has free will? He’s the one you need to be directing your anger at.
RTFT or even just OPs posts. It’s clear OP does feel exactly that way. It’s easier to stick the boot in further though than actually be supportive though huh?”

I have read her posts. I feel this is all on her ex, who has free will.