On my own after 22 years

[HelloMrBond]

Evening all, not quite sure why I’m writing on here - but being anonymous is the most likely reason I think. I’m currently going through a whirlwind of emotions, my wife has left me after being together for 22 years, since I was 18. I’ve never had to deal with a breakup before, so not really sure what to do! I have times of anger that she’s done it but in equal measure I’m almost pining for the love of my life who no longer wants me. I don’t think she’s met anyone else, but I can’t be sure snd I guess I’ll never know. I suppose what I’m asking is what does one do, can I do anything to help myself? Or does it just get easier as time passes? I haven’t been sleeping well, which doesn’t help, it’s all just so alien to me, hopefully some words if wisdom from others who have been there might help…. Here’s wishing!

Start to move on, do you have kids, a mortgage?
If she doesn't love you, it's unfair on her and you to stay together.
Speak to a gp if necessary for some temporary sleeping pills. Inform work if performance is being affected.
Eat well, exercise, you probably don't know who you are getting together so young. Find out what it is you enjoy. Anything you wanted to do as a couple that you didnt because your ex didnt want to? Travelling? Book a trip. Cycling? Join a club etc. Book club? See friends. Get a pet etc. Time is the greatest healer but now is also the time to discover who you are. Life isn't over. Just a different life begins and maybe one day you'll want to love again.

Sorry you are going through such a tough time. It can be heart breaking when your spouse decides they want out, as well as overwhelming. You can go through such a roller coaster of emotions and feel terribly betrayed. Did you guys have marriage counselling or did she just leave?

Maybe you could go to joint counselling or book your own counselling to come to terms with things.

The rollercoaster of emotions can take months. Exercise and good self care can help. I got through by mentally deciding i wasnt going to let my ex make me depressed and by joining various groups and dating. Most people though would recommend waiting atleast 6 months before dating.

Figure out what healthy activities give you pleasure and try to max out on those. You will get through this, one day at a time.

I totally get the sleeping thing, that is maybe the biggest shock to the system. Feels so alien at first to sleep alone when you've been sleeping next to someone for 20 years. You do get used to that too, but takes a while.

I was with my wife for 22 years. Tbh, separating is a relief to me. I've spent the last 22 years considering her every waking moment and never considered myself much, it was a very one sided relationship which persisted for about 22 years too long.

I'd advise against drinking and dating, instead seek out healthy activities like cycling, running, rowing, walking, travel, being with friends, finding some clubs or organised events. Whatever makes you happy and will help you mentally.

I'm with my children as much as possible, I relish every second with them and am making such an effort to just be present and give them cuddles and listen to them talk about absolute mindless Minecraft trivia, I have really focused on creating a calm oasis for them.

It's so bittersweet.

I suddenly found myself having to start again. Rent a house. Buy towels, sheets and plates... It's like being a teenager leaving home and I've tried to make it fun with with the children. Buying stuff and making the house pretty.

That said.

I see other men, their families, their wives, their smiles and happy go.lucky vibes and I feel a keen sense of loss, of being a failure, of failing to provide "the life" for my children, and I'll feel waves of despair crash upon me. I'll second guess every decision that has led me here, and every one I am making now, and I'll have pangs of doubt and worry, worry about my children , worry above my to be ex wife, and quickly I am led into a valley of darkness.

But what can I do but carry on.

I just have to rebuild. I have to just try and not be a dick, not be resentful, not really think about all the multitude of little decisions that led me here, and only think about the ones I can make now that will let me try and minimise the trauma on our children and let me be my best self after 22 years of only really thinking about her needs.

I don't have any answers.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. Don't go through this alone. Talk with friends take time out. You are grieving for a future lost but you can create new futures even more magnificent.

Hi
i know exactly how you feel. My husband in the last two months has totally changed personality- he started chatting to another woman and since then I have been effectively dumped. I understand the pain and grief you are feeling it’s horrible. I can’t help thinking about all the happy years before this happened it’s torture. I live overseas so now I have to relocate back to the uk and start again it’s awful!

Thank you all for your lovely and considerate replies. It’s really very much appreciated. As the old adage goes, ‘time is a healer’ and although it’s only been a matter of weeks, the situation does seem to be sinking in and I’m slowly getting used to the new ‘norm’. I’m not going through the task of relocating as I’m staying in the family home with my youngest, my ex is living in our second home, but I have decided to start some works to refresh my home now, put a personal mark on it which I think will help keep me busy. The rollercoaster rolls on….

Look at the Grief Pathway on google. You have experienced a loss. And you need to go through a massive change process. This takes time.
The grief pathway may help you understand some of your confused emotions and to realise what’s driving them. It’ll also help you to understand how you can help yourself to slowly move forwards through that change. Things literally get worse before they get better

fear has a big part to play. And that is driven by the unknown. Until you can truly visualise your future life on your own for next 5,10 to 20, 30 years time and have dreams and hopes for those years based on actually being able to visualise your life, you will be anxious, and fearful. Agian it takes time, but keep gently pushing yourself forwards to thinking about that future life and taking actions to start to get it in control again. I’m not sure that staying in marital home really helps moving on, but it is a comfort blanket just now and buffers you form some of that fear. Eventually you’ll be able to think past it and decide if it’s better to start afresh in new home once your dc has become independent

sleep is massively important . If you’re sleeping badly you’re not able to function well, your stress hormones increase just from that , and that leaves you in a poor position to be resilient to other stresses. And frankly heightens your risk of depression. Make sure you try to get outside for a walk every day even for 15 mins, do something actively to “unwind” that doesn’t involve exercise, drink etc. look after your well-being

I speak as someone who is 2 years divorced after 32 years of marriage, and this is all based on my experience.

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/stages-of-grief-divorce/