How difficult would it be to forget your children after a divorce

[Herejustforthekids]

Hello all,
I met my wife 11 years ago, been married 10 and have two children 9 and 8. It was a whirlwind romance and I know very little of her early life other than what she tells me.
My wife is a divorcee and has two children from her first marriage aged 10 and 13 at the time of the divorce. She married young and says her husband cheated on her which caused her marriage to break down. Her husband received custody of the kids and since then she has lost contact with them.
My wife never talks about her two children from her first marriage. She has never mentioned whether she would tell our two kids that they have step siblings too.
I am having trying to understand how a person can cut off their offspring so decisively. There’s a great deal of unprocessed trauma and pain, but shes kept a very tight lid on it.
In the ten years of our marriage she’s not mentioned it at all. When I do broach the subject she just doesn’t seem to be interested in the conversation and just agrees with whatever I suggest.
Do I have the right to tell our kids this when they are older?

As a mum I cannot begin to understand how some mine could just ‘forget’ about two children. And I’m not even very maternal. I’m

Unfathomable to me. Definitely not normal.

I do think your children should know when they are an appropriate age too, with things like ancestry DNA testing they could end up finding out for themselves unexpectedly.

You need to convince your wife that she has to tell your children about their half siblings.

My dad seems to have managed it quite easily, he’s still alive but I’ve seen him a handful of times in the last 30 years.

No idea how any parent can be so detached from their children, but it happens all too frequently.

Is this definitely not a reverse?

Somehow if it was a man I could understand it a little more.

I don’t think you should tell them. Your wife should.

Plenty of men seem capable of forgetting their children after divorce but it always seems to be worse when it’s the mother for some reason. If there’s some trauma involved then it may be down to self preservation. I can’t personally imagine never seeing my DC again but my own DF didn’t bother much with us for decades after my DP divorced.

It could be that it's so traumatic that she can't let herself go there. It could also be that she's just as hard as nails. You will have to find out which of these is true.

If a parent looses custody of their children and then totally abandons them and never talks about them again then I'd want answers. What is to say she won't do the same with your children?

Half siblings, not step siblings. They are blood relations.

You can tell the children if you think it best but it would cause ructions with your DW presumably. The kids may be very confused by it all.

I think you'll have to try to talk to her. It is an unusual situation.

As a child of a mother who walked away from her kids I can only beg you to not have further children with her. The pain is immense.
As a mother I will never understand the selfishness required to be like that.

i find it almost impossible to imagine not talking about this over the years.

Has she explained why she lost custody? Even if she self represented in court, 50% custody would normally be granted as long as she stayed living near enough to her ex to make it workable.

You should definitely tell your kids about their half siblings. If they find this out another way, their anger will be directed towards you and your wife which would be very unfair since it's not a situation that you had an influence over.

Obviously I could be wrong but doesn't that sound a bit suss, he cheated and he has custody and she has no contact?

I'd be interested in why he has custody and not her, alongside why she has no involvement.

My nan was forced away from her children (it was a different time different laws back then) she went onto have more children they knew about the first children she talked about them she missed them

I'd really push this. They may meet as they get older and start a relationship. I think this is possible, as the world becomes smaller. If they share genes they may share similar intrests/talents which makes it more likely they could come across each other, either on line or in person.

My wife is from Asia. I don’t want to say where.
At the beginning of our relationship I did ask her more questions regarding her divorce and her custody situation. She told me that back in the day, the courts preferred giving custody to men, as the family unit was considered to be extended from the male side and that the children would benefit from the extended family network. Women were seen as being married into her husband’s family. Patriarchy on steroids, but not uncommon twenty years ago.
I expected her to be traumatized by her loss and even went so far as finding her children online. (I think I was fairly naive in thinking she didn’t already know how to find them). I asked if she wanted to see them and how we could blend our families - lots of tears but she didn’t seem keen to do so. I remember her ex calling her a few times too and she telling me that he was asking her to move back with him but she didn’t want to. I also paid for her alimony costs as the courts had put a claim on her bank accounts, meaning that any significant sum of money in her accounts could be automatically withdrawn by the courts until the costs were met.
I know it all sounds incredulous now, but coming from a different country/culture and being madly in love, I never really questioned any of it. I just thought my wife circumstances were extremely tragic and she was hard done by.
Fast forward ten years and I am not so sure now. Thats why I am asking the question. That mother-daughter bond. How strong is it? Can one not think about their kids at all? Maybe it’s actually quite common but people don’t talk about it for obvious reasons. But I would imagine that even for the toughest characters out there, they would crack once in a while. I know that if it were me, I would do all within my means to keep my relationship with my two kids. It would also eat away at me thinking how they maybe missing or searching for their biological father and the damage I have caused them. But that’s just me.
As for our two kids, I will tell them. My wife would agree too. She would also agree if we didn’t tell them. So we’ll probably do a sit down event later on in their lives.

Yes half siblings and not step siblings as I mentioned in my initial post.

Men do it all the time....

Actually after reading your update and having had been close friends with some Asia's back in college. I can quite see how this situation could have happened, they are very strict on family even now in some groups. She was probably faced with either putting up with her husbands infidelity(maybe even emotional abuse) or leaving her kids and staring again. I'm assuming she has little contact with her family as they probably didn't agree with her leaving. Was it also an arranged marriage?

My friend at college was expecting to have an arranged marriage even in the 90's this was still very much expected of girls. Even with her family living in the UK.

She's probably quite upset about it hence the reason she doesn't want to talk about it. It maybe helpful for her to have counselling if she is willing to do so.

With the popularity of DNA ancestry tests, it's best to cover the possibility of contact. Does your wife have public social media do her children could contact her?

Not common at all in women. My ex wouldn't care if the children and I emigrated and he didn't have to see them, he'd be positively delighted, but maternal instinct and attachment are generally stronger. Plus the social stigma of abandonment in itself is far more damning to women, she really mustn't care. Whereas again , fathers abandon their children all the time and no-one really cares.

This. Your update puts it into perspective and it needs to be seen from a cultural perspective. I expect she had no choice and it’s just too traumatic for her to think about and deal with. I don’t think we can understand it from a western perspective, it’s heart breaking and I think your kids will need to know about their half siblings in time. However, it will need to be explained within the context of cultural norms so they understand the context. Your poor wife

Incan understand someone not being able to talk about it. You have no idea how she deals with it internally, or when she is on her own. However I would respect her preference not to talk if she is not ready. Let her know that you are there for her anytime if she does wish to, but leave it at that.

It wasn’t an arranged marriage but one out of love and in her twenties. It’s a Chinese Asian country as opposed to other Asian countries, and its base values and liberties are not too far removed from the west. She partied for most of her twenties. She wasn’t ostracized by her family, but the relationship with her parents was always difficult.
Saying that I agree there are cultural differences to take into consideration which is why I have never really pushed the issue. It’s also why I posted - to try to understand how much is cultural and how much is not. I am trying to see it from her point of view. From a woman’s point of view. From mine, it’d tear me apart and I don’t think I would last a year let alone 10 without seeking therapy. I do believe there are core values that transcend culture.
It is important to tell our children at some stage, but if my wife is unable to even talk about it with me, I am not sure how that talk will go and what issues it may throw out. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Yes. Our children straddle several cultures and will be better positioned to understand. They will probably try to reach out to them. It’ll be a nice surprise.. I hope 🤞.