Husbands business has killed our marriage

[Passe]

Married 23 years, together for 30 since we met at uni.
2 DC, 18 (about to leave for uni) and 15.

DH runs his own business which I am convinced has slowly and painfully killed our marriage.
It has never been particularly successful although providing enough to pay bills. His business partner bailed out 3 years ago although DH was optimistic he could still make a success of it.

To be blunt he works 7 days a week, drinks far too much, doesn't parent, does nothing around the house. He is on a high dosage of ADs ( probably useless anyway as he drinks). I have never been high on his list of priorities, never felt really loved or cared for as a partner should be.
We live in what can only be described as a building site as remodelling this house was his master plan yet its falling down around our ears as there is neither the time nor money to finish it.

We do nothing as a couple or family unless I plan it. He is always late to the few important events we've had (18th birthday, A level celebrations etc) and expects us all to just suck it up. He is either ignoring us all or agreeing to anything the DC want for an easy life.

A year ago I pleaded with him to wind the business up and get a job, even if it was just enough to keep a roof over our heads. i was accused of being pessimistic and that things would turn around eventually with the next big job.
Things are no different now and I have had enough of trying to hold everything together, effectively be a single parent and work myself.

It's like he has disappeared so far down this rabbit hole he is pushing me to be the one to say enough. Yet it's all considered my fault; not supportive enough, not understanding enough, that I'm just being horrible to him.

We have gone round in circles so many times but the resentment is affecting my own mental health and yesterday I blew up telling him that once DS is at uni, we call it a day.
He just completely ignored me and is acting like nothing has been said. I don't think he believes me (and tbf I am scared to stand my ground).

I am so exhausted by it all. I dream of a calmer, more stable life on my own. My DM passed away 6 months ago and since the funeral he's barely mentioned it or checked to see how I am.

I know the DC would take it badly (especially DD who thinks the sun shines out of DH's arse) but I can't live like this anymore.

Why can’t you split up. Your son will still have a father and see him as often as he wants and see you as often as he wants.

If you moved out could you support yourself and your son?

Sorry if this is short and blunt, but it sounds like your husband has killed your marriage, not his business. I’m betting he would still be a shit husband and father if he was in a different job. You live one life and it sounds like there isn’t much love or partnership here. Cut your losses.

Yes you're probably right. I think i've made too many allowances for shitty behaviour,probably feeling guilty that I was a SAHM mum for 10 years. I felt neglected even before he started his business and I have effectively allowed him to disengage from us as didn't want to add any further pressure.

No. I gave up a good career to support him. I now work in retail minimum wage (but working every available hour). I am co director of the business, not that it means an awful lot - plus he is still paying ex business partner off

Your kids are not young
what actions have you taken to improve your own job/earnings in the last 5-10 years etc why did you take 10 years out of his business was never really successful? Why didn’t you go back to your successful career?

so he supported you fir 10 years allowing you to be sahm, which sounds like he’s working hard 7 days a week do not sitting around doing nothing, to the point he’s drinking, stressed and on ant depressants. I imagine he also feels pretty resentful. He’s trying to keep his business afloat. I get what you’re saying but he probably feels like he can’t give up and probably that he won’t be able to get a job .

If you want to leave then do so but it doesn’t sound totally his fault tbh and you’ll need to be prepared to support yourself by the sounds of it once you split any joint assets as you won’t even get child maintenance in s few years

You’ve two things going on here. Your home life is crippled by your husband’s absenteeism, which you are all enslaved to, and you are a director in a bit very successful company.

how many directors are there, and what are the financial prospects for the company over the next 3-5 years? What steps are necessary to improve profitability, and can the company grow with the right resources? Have you considered hiring a strategic consultant to figure out options to secure the company’s success? As you know, as a director you have responsibilities to the company. (You might consider yourself ‘only’ a spouse or token director - I’m not saying you do - but make sure you have full sight of accounts and input into board meetings.)

As for the marriage - business aside - as En Vogue once sang, free yourself and the rest will follow.

One option is to split now. But it doesn’t sound like either of you can afford it. The other is to agree to stick it out until the youngest finishes their A levels, then split. That gives you both 3 years to do what you need to do to support yourselves post divorce.This means you both ownership of your ambitions and achievements. More importantly the youngest can have minimal disruption at a key stage. I think you would need to park the blame game if you stay together for the sake of your children. Decisions were made and can’t be unmade.

Well if he loves his business so much, is there any chance he would agree to you walking away without taking a share of that business in exchange for 100% of the house equity?

You may still need to improve your employment in order to secure a mortgage though. Talk to a broker and find out what income you need to achieve to make it possible. Take active steps and you might find yourself free of this anchor sooner rather than later.

We’ve no idea how much the business is valued, what type of business it is or what the equity is! Could be highly unfavourable to give op 100% of equity. Of course they’d need valuations of all assets to work out a split but from limited info here doesn’t sound like the business valuation will be massive .
and as the children at 15 and 18 op doesn’t have greater needs than her husband ( by time they divorce 15 yo likely to be near 18)

The only question you need to answer is, if he got a different job and was more available etc, would you still want him?

If yes, then you love him enough and it's ultimatum time. If no, then the love has gone and really, what else can be done?

It's sad... sometimes people forget WHY they're working so hard. If you're so engrossed in working to support a family, sometimes you actually forget to be there FOR the family.

ok, I understand you are blaming him fully, but you yourself were a sahm for ten years, knowing he was struggling and now work a min wage job, and once again expect him to be employed to such a level he can pay the majority of the bills.

im not saying his behaviour in his focus on trying to make it work hasn’t been damaging, but you were jointly responsible for the finances and clearly have not done your part. Unless some drip feed, there was no need for you to be a sahm past the kids in school and could have done exactly what you’re demanding your husband does, get employed to a level to pay the bills and still be available to do your share of the family care.

Your marriage is dead.

Have you suggested marriage counselling? If you want to try to fix things, marriage counselling could be worth a shot.

It sounds to me like he hasnt showed you love and appreciation the way you need to receive it and that has emotionally taken a toll on you. Also you feel he isn't helping you out enough or aware of your needs. He is giving you no quality time. That doesn't mean though that he doesn't love you necessarily. Do you still love him?

Maybe you have both been sticking your heads in the sand and not discussing things.

Imho its easy for alot of people to put all their energies in to their businesses as it can become a massive focus, but it doesn't mean necessarily that he doesn't care about you or the marriage.

Totally agree with this

Thank you for your replies.
For me to become a SAHM was very much a joint decision. From early on we accepted that in order for him to focus on trying to make the business successful I would need to be the one doing everything else. However there was still at least a little balance in his life and we would get some time together.

Should I have insisted on getting at least formal part time work, in hindsight yes. I will add I wasn't doing "nothing" but certainly not bringing a regular wage home. There was enough coming in and believed we were happy with that arrangement.

I have been working pretty much full time hours for the last 3 years which is probably one of the many reasons why we've reached this crisis point.
I'm no longer around to hold everything together, (and whilst I get DC are almost adult, a household and family doesn't run itself), and at the same time DH is working insane hours. We are like ships in the night.

We have tried marriage counselling many years ago but feel I at least owe it another go, if at least to clarify my feelings.