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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Partner left but still lives in house

16 replies

RachelVictoria · 20/08/2023 20:18

So this is a situation of great depth to type out but the basics of it are as follows;
my partner says he doesn’t love me and asked to separate after I asked if he was having an affair because I woke in the middle of the night to him on his phone messaging someone and he jumped so much so he dropped his phone. He still lives at home with me and our four daughters and provides 100 pound a week for a food shop which I’m grateful for as the biggest fear of mine is how we would be in financial difficulties without him. He has become incredibly selfish and it’s snowballing he saves his money for a flat to move into which i understand but has also stopped paying out daughters horse riding lessons cancelled my gym membership which in fairness he did pay for , cut me off financially and didn’t provide them with any thing to help celebrate my birthday. He however is drinking in cocktail bars eating in the finest restaurants and staying in hotels. I’m with my daughters all the time which I love but I am unable to go anywhere myself because I live far from family. There was no actual reason for the split and I never expected him to say he’d had enough of me I’ve always been loving and loyal but I do admit I’ve put on weight and become more stressed over time I had been upsetting about how much he was going out and not seeing us much . Every now and then he will be nice act like he fancies me again and ask for you know what , then the next day there’s no talking and he’s cold to me like I’m nothing anymore. we’ve been together 10 years have 4 lovely children together who adore him. I thought we were building a great family life together and I’m desperate for everything to be normal again but I don’t think it will be. He acts like he can’t stand me and now rarely sees the children although he lives here he comes in late and leaves early . I know I’m being walked over but need him financially for now although I have a degree I haven’t worked whilst the girls were young. I am trying everything to get back to work and organise childcare. Is there anyone who has been in a similar situation, am I going about this wrong I’m still playing the devoted partner and mum role but I also feel like I’m loosing my mind.

OP posts:

Justcallmebebes · 20/08/2023 20:26

Hang on. He's broken up with you but still lives in the marital home and just pays £100 a month for food and you still give him sex on a regular basis. Did I read that right?

LemonTT · 20/08/2023 20:30

Obviously you need to find a way to be financially independent of him. There isn’t a lot to go on in your post to advise.

What is your status, partner or wife?
Is the property rented or owned. If owned, by who and what kind of equity is there.
If married what other assets are there?
How old are the children?
Are you in an area of high housing costs or very high housing costs?
What kind of income could you realistically earn, with or without retraining.

Original poster

RachelVictoria · 20/08/2023 20:38

Hi , We are not married and rent our home the children are 5, 6, 7, and 9 i could earn 40,000 a year if I got back into my job role. We live in an expensive area of Surrey with high housing costs.

OP posts:

Original poster

RachelVictoria · 20/08/2023 20:58

A hundred a week goes directly to me for the weekly food shop, he pays the bills and for the house I realise I was lucky in that respect but I always appreciated it and he was happy with that as I used to be the main breadwinner for many years and the childcare was difficult with us both working. He became successful and things changed. I do not sleep in our bedroom anymore but I have had sex with him from time to time as I think he may be changing his mind in that moment of time, but he has since said it means nothing and I’ve stopped. I know I’ve been silly but I’m still deeply in love with him and clinging to hope of going back to what it was like before he became successful

OP posts:

LemonTT · 20/08/2023 22:27

If the property is rented is there a chance you can take over the tenancy? If you split you would be able to claim benefits and perhaps CMS if you have the children more than 50% of the time.

What is stopping him moving out? Would he be able to support himself and meet his responsibilities to the children?

It sounds like it is over and sooner or later one of you will make the move. The best thing to do is take control of your future and your children’s future.

if you do decide to continue living together, set some ground rules. The situation for the children must be tense and they will be picking up on things.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/08/2023 23:00

Who's names is the property in? Owned, mortgage, or rented?
How much does he earn?
If you separate CMS should get h to pay you 18% of his pre tax salary

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/08/2023 23:00

Do you have a job?

Original poster

RachelVictoria · 20/08/2023 23:05

Not currently although I have a profession , I’ve been a sahm for 3 years as of September I can go back to work as my days will be free

OP posts:

Original poster

RachelVictoria · 20/08/2023 23:10

the tenancy is in my name as when we moved in I worked and he didn’t then the tables turned. In my opinion he’s not moving out because he’s saving and that’s why he has reduced his family spending considerably he gives me little information now and avoids conversation. I agree it’s over I’ve been clinging on to hope but now I think I’d hate one of my daughters having the same relationship I do when they grow up.

OP posts:

LemonTT · 21/08/2023 00:17

Start working out UC entitlement and what CMS will look like. Apply for jobs and look for wrap around child care. Run the figures. They will be better than you think.

millymollymoomoo · 21/08/2023 08:12

And if the tenancy is in your name set a clear date by when he needs to move out by!!

bringoutthebranston · 24/08/2023 08:19

Sorry to hear your situation. It seems as if there is nothing in it for him he will leave. If he is still paying all the bills plus food shopping, do you think he is pushing you to move out? As you are renting, there is not a lot he needs to do to save up to rent somewhere else.
I have been living with my STBEH for over a year paying all the bills and I have now moved out and its soooo much better than staying in a house where there is tension, especially for my son.

Good on you for not giving in to his carnal needs any more. It sounds like you are a nice person who will get her life back together now the children are at school and you can build you own life with work, self esteem and eventually meet someone who appreciates you. As for putting on weight, if he is that shallow you are well rid.

Original poster

RachelVictoria · 10/09/2023 20:01

Update he’s been having an affair with a 20 year old (he’s 40) for the past 9 months he says she’s a millionaire and that he’s on to better things with her , he says I’m fat spotty and a pointless person to him . He’s still been sleeping with me during his time with her , I told her but she said that I’m just desperate and lying. He continues to live in the house sleeping here between the hours of 12am and 6 am he says he’ll move out soon and I’m trying to move to London and get away from him and this life

OP posts:

randomusernam · 10/09/2023 20:26

Make a claim with cms and universal credit. Change the locks while he is out if isn't on the tenancy. Pack his clothes etc and leave it out for him. He is taking the piss. If this new girl is so amazing he can live with her. You don't deserve this

Channellingsophistication · 30/01/2024 09:03

Catching up with this thread. I hope things are working out better for you OP and that your partner has now left. So sorry to hear you are in this horrible situation.

Original poster

RachelVictoria · 30/01/2024 13:05

Update , things went very south after this point his behaviour continued still demanding you know what and he became much more controlling and started depriving us of food all together only spending money on himself, as he thought I was not appreciative enough . He started shouting all the time although he seemed friendly to the outside world, It became unbearable but I was trying to get through this for the children to have a father thinking it would get better . It seemed me being nice angered him. The abuse and insults continued daily and he gave me minor injuries which I stupidly forgave then one evening after work he got angry because our daughter had told me he blocked her on iMessage and WhatsApp which she was upset about , it escalated into him being very violent towards me and I finally called the police it was my breaking point. So after all the darkness we are free and there’s bail conditions where he no longer can live or come here. He will attend court in 7 months for his actions. Unfortunately he’s not paying child maintenance so financially it’s not good but the darkness is over . It was such a horrible time but we got through and we are safe and slowly rebuilding our life and our self esteem.

OP posts:

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