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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

StbEXdp acting super nice and it's confusing

6 replies

Whenloveisnotenough · 15/08/2023 18:41

I finally had the courage to end an emotionally abusive relationship. I told him in an angry outburst when he was being a twat in front of the kids. Then I told him when I'd calmed down.
Then again the day after, that I meant what I said, that I want him to leave.
Asked him when he was going n he said he'd spoke to a guy who rents out rooms n should have somewhere at the end of the month..

In the days since then he's being super nice, complimenting me, buying/making my favourite foods, being all calm with the kids (not like him), he's even abstained from drinking beer (he's been a daily drinker for years)
I was teary the first few days, crying whenever I thought about him leaving, but now I feel almost nothing but anger towards him.

He says it was all down to the alcohol, that he felt rough all the time which made him angry and short tempered. He says he's sorry he hurt me, sorry he didn't support me emotionally, that he doesn't want anyone but me.

I know it's for the best we split up, for many reasons. I'm angry with him that I've come to him with things that needed addressing SO many times n he'd just say "you'll feel alright in a few days" or call me week for allowing things to bother me! completely disregarding my concerns that needed talking through or acting upon.

I'm angry with him for all the bullshit I've put up with over the years, every hurtful comment he's made, all the friends I lost because of him, the years I spent apart from my family because he'd always say "we made our own family, we don't need anyone else" well, I do!!!

I'm sick of feeling lonely and sad and wishing for a better life for me n my kids.
I'm tired of longing to live within walking distance of any family.

It's almost asif he believes I'm gonna change my mind at the end of the month, carrying on as normal but being really nice.
Ita making me feel confused, like I almost lose sight of why I want him out of my life (as much as possible)

How do I get through this? I need to keep the peace for the kids, I'd rather he wasn't mad as last time he was shouting at kicking stuff.
It's not bad enough for the police to get involved, he wouldn't physically hurt me. I just want him to go so I can have some breathing space and start rebuilding my life without him.

I told him last night that I was looking at housing near my family and he got hostile, saying that was the reason for me leaving him (he's said for years he wouldn't come with me if I moved back there)
I said "no, it just happens to be a door that's now opened with leaving you"
I'm halfway through redecorating my whole house, but I don't have the energy to carry on right now.
The older kids (12 + 9) know somethings not right, they've seen and heard his angry outbursts and confided in me that they dislike him. I want to tell them he'll be gone soon but am waiting for the time to be closer.

How do I get through this? It seems so hard.

OP posts:
Whenloveisnotenough · 16/08/2023 09:03

Anyone? :(

OP posts:
Didsomeonesaydogs · 18/08/2023 09:02

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

He has likely been mistreating you for years and now he sees that he’s losing control of you he’s playing nice to manipulate you into sticking around. And why wouldn’t he? You probably make his life extremely comfortable.

Stick to your guns, what people say when they’ve been drinking is what they think when they’re sober. He’s shown you who he really is when he thinks you have no other options, so believe him. He wants to keep you away from your family which is a classic sign of abuse by isolating you from people who threaten his control of you, people who can give you potential help or influence you to not accept his sh!tty behaviour.

Try to remain unemotional during the time until you are physically separated. Look up grey rock, and yellow rock communication.

Look up the freedom project, read anything by Lundy Bancroft and be very careful. Abusive relationships are the most dangerous for women when they make moves to leave, so it may be worth contacting women’s aid for guidance.

Whenloveisnotenough · 18/08/2023 10:27

Thank you, I will look up those things.
It's so hard, I keep going between wanting to be close to him, feeling teary and deep anger. Everywhere I look in the house are memories of times that weren't bad, but also of times when they were.
My future seems so unstable and unpredictable now

OP posts:
theblackflash · 28/08/2023 20:25

Hi I wondered how your situation was going now? I am in the exact same boat and it's a complete head fuck

Whenloveisnotenough · 20/09/2023 11:40

Hi sorry for the late response, I caved and decided to let him stay on the grounds that things will change.
And although some things have, some things havent.

I wish I was stronger and just stuck to my guns.
Something that stood out to me the other day, we were talking about how he's good at his job as he's good with people n he said "yeah I can make people do what I want" it make my blood run cold.

I hate this

OP posts:
MistyBay · 20/09/2023 21:30

This is what’s happening to me. STBX is about to leave next week and we have spent last couple of days sorting out finances etc and working together really well. Yesterday he even said he was sorry and we both had a hug and it was the last thing i needed because it made me so sad and now I have regrets. Its easier if he’s distracted. One thing he never did was compliment my cooking. I’m a good cook and he would always hold back praise. Last couple of nights he’s being really complimentary about what I’m giving him to eat (we are maintaining status quo until we tell DS). I’m like, great, do you start to give me the credit I deserve now. He instigated the separation but we have been unhappy forever. On Sunday I was happy to see him go. Now he’s being nice and we’re all relaxed probably coz we’re de-mob happy. And now I think I’ll miss him.

it’s not representative though. He’s like this because he doesn’t want to us to part next week with him being mr nasty. and I’m sure he’s softened because I’m being cooperative about the money and stuff and just letting him go in peace.

Your STBX will be doing the same.

he’s on the charm offensive. You have to stay strong and remember what a normal day looks like. Not judge him when he’s on his best behaviour.

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