Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

How do you develop a support network with no family to help?

6 replies

Lemontee · 14/08/2023 10:00

I am relying heavily on my ex for help and support with the house and children because I have zero family support.

Also, this kind of suits me in some ways because he has very little danger awareness and can be very careless with driving and other activities which require safety like swimming etc. Therefore, navigating family days out and holidays together whilst the children are small is better for everyone. I know it's not ideal, but it's better than the alternative.

I would like to rely on him less for emergency childcare (like when I need an on the day GP appointment etc), or when something breaks in my house (he's very handy from a DIY point of view). But I know that eventually, I'd like to move on and meet someone and so I need to rely on him less.

From posts I've written on here, from advice from a life coach etc, all say "work on your support network." How do we do this? I can't make people support me. My friends have their own young children to care for so I can't rely on them, I have an alcoholic parent and a parent who moved away, I have a sibling with four children under 5. Who is this magic support network that everyone keeps talking of which I'm failing miserably to find?

How do I detach from relying on my ex when I have no support? And also, when money is tight! I'll pay for what I can, but I can't pay for a lot!

OP posts:
readingmynightaway · 14/08/2023 10:21

Ask the people you see in your day to day life about help they get or use.
Mention you need help with what you need help with.
Some people naturally want to help or pass on good advice, useful people.

TakeMe2Insanity · 14/08/2023 10:26

Make friends, develop your friendships. Help your friends and they’ll help you. Don’t be the person only looking for favours.

Fourmagpies · 14/08/2023 11:12

It's a two-way process. Like you, I don't have any family support and it is amazing how many people are willing to help when you need it, but you need to work out how those people are. Start by offering to help others, even if you don't think they'll take you up on it. It starts them thinking that they should reciprocate. I think it is easier when the kids are in nursery or school as you start to build friendships with people with kids the same age. Also, don't rule people out because you think they've already got too much on. We have a saying among my friends, "if you need something doing, it'll be the busiest person that gets it done!". People with lots on, working, juggling everything, are less likely to worry about having another child to look after for an hour or two.

Original poster
Lemontee · 14/08/2023 18:16

I guess part of the issue is feeling like I don't have the spoons to help anyone else. I could start small perhaps.

OP posts:
SkankingWombat · 14/08/2023 20:13

You can start by offering help when it makes little difference to what you'd be doing anyway if you're already struggling. My DCs class chats often have a parent asking if someone is eg able to have their child from 8am and drop them to school or take their child for an inset day (the latter are usually teachers who will then reciprocate in the hols). I agree with a PP that you offer when you hear someone having a little moan - sometimes people take you up on it, sometimes not, but you have to chuck it out there to start the relationship. In the past I offered to watch a (now friend's) DC after she was stressing in the nursery queue about having to take her DD to her smear test as no one else could have her. She was very happy to accept, our DCs had a really fun playdate, and it has formed a reciprocal relationship as well as a friendship.
I've also found getting involved in the local community useful for making contacts and learning who else is in the same boat, but this definitely adds to your load.
I'm not a single parent, but DH works long hours and we've never had much family help (maybe 1 evening babysitting a year on average). We mostly manage by paying for childcare - babysitter and breakfast/after school club, and nursery before they were school age - but we also now have a number of other families I know I can ask if I'm stuck, and am also happy to help in return wherever I can. It does take time and I've met some people who were always after favours, took the piss with not collecting DCs when they were due to, and never willing to help in return the help, but I looked at it like dating: a numbers game!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page