Don't announce your intentions.
Information is empowering. And will limit his power over you.
If possible find some friends/contacts that divorced well. Ask them for lawyer recommendations.
Get appointments with recommended lawyers. 2 reasons for this. It's important to find a lawyer you can work with. I got lucky with no 4. The other reason is if you've seen them he can't use them.
While waiting for appointments get all your and his financial information together:
Tax returns
Bank accounts
Salary slips
Savings accounts
Investments
Life insurance
Pensions
Mortgages
Debts
Assets
Get the house valued
This will enable a lawyer to tell you what you might reasonably receive.
Divorce for unreasonable behavior as cited in your op.
50:50 childcare is normal but sounds unlikely. There are sites like entitledto that will tell you what you might be entitled to from the state. There are also maintenance calculators.
Write 2 lists in terms of kids, house, cars, maintenance etc:
What you'd like (copy to lawyer)
What you'd accept (private)
Do not tell him what you are doing. Just get on with it quietly. The more of a head start you have the better of you will be.
When you leave an abuser, the most important thing is your life and safety as well as your children’s. If you are able to plan ahead, it will help you to have important information with you, in addition to money, clothing, medicine, and other basic items.
Even if you are not sure you want to or are ready to leave, go ahead and make copies of as many of the following documents as you can, or secure them in a safe place outside of the home:
- Birth certificates, Social Security cards, and passports or immigration papers for you and your children
- Health insurance cards for you and your children
- Financial records, including recent bank statements and stocks or mutual fund records
- Housing documents, such as rental agreements, mortgage statements, or the title or deed
- Your most recent credit report (you can request one for free(link is external))
- The title or lease paperwork for your car
- Statements for any retirement plans
- The past two years’ tax returns
- A written copy of phone numbers or important addresses in case you cannot get to your cellphone or address book
Many of these records are available online, so try to keep access to these accounts if you do not have paper copies.
You may also want to take photos of any valuable assets in the home (anything you think may be worth some money). Also, if you have any family heirlooms (such as jewelry), take them with you or put them in a safe place before you leave. You can get a safe deposit box at the bank to store copies of the paperwork listed, as well as small valuable items. If you have a joint checking account, consider opening your own checking account and storing money there. Any adult has the right to open their own bank account, even if they are married or dependent on another person.