Ex who was hardly involved now expects 50/50

[GravelGirl]

Hi - I'm really freaking out.

My ex, who was emotionally, mentally and physically abusive to me during our relationship - even physical when I was pregnant - and for the first 2 years of our daughters life was hardly involved, is now wanting to have her (now turning 4) every other weekend for 3 nights and 50% of school holidays.

My daughter does not want to see him but I encourage her and encourage her and have recently said that she needs to come home for the nights as handovers are absolutely awful if I don't.

I have tried and tried to get him to seeee it from our daughters point of view - saying that if we take it back to square one and build slowly that they could have an amazing relationship.

I have just dropped her off with him with, again, an awful handover where she begged me to take her home and he hands me a letter in which he states that he has made contact with a family lawyer and that he expects every other weekend Friday to Monday and 50% of the holiday.

I know that this would destroy my daughter. She hates going for one night. She doesn't like her dad and I don't blame her. A few handovers ago, I met him in the playpark and had a lovely slow one together where we all played together (I have another baby now) and then I said goodbye. Maybe 1 minute later I heard really aggressive shouting and turned round to see it was my ex on the phone with my daughter crying for me. Why the hell would she want to be with him.

I just don't know what to do. He earns around 70k and I am on benefits, so he could afford an incredible lawyer. But I know that if I just agreed that my daughter would be truly heartbroken and traumatised.

Any advice would be so greatly appreciated x

Well you just say no. He will need to arrange mediation before going to court. Do you have evidence of the domestic abuse which would enable you to claim legal aid?

I have pictures of a few of the injuries he caused me - he said that because it was so long ago no-one would care?

document every incident, write it down, pix maybe even videos and recordings of your daughter's distress.

Ok, yes I will do from now on - thank you

You can say no but courts will look badly at anyone withholding contact. Realistically, every other weekend and half the holidays isn't 50/50 and normally the bare minimum awarded by courts unless there is reason to deny this. I would seek some advice asap.

Unless he beats you in in court nobody will care. Sorry. Been in your shoes.

If the DA was too long ago then sadly it won't qualify for legal aid. And if you didn't report it to the police you have no evidence. Old photos of bruises don't count :(

Hi op, is there anything else he would like instead of keeping your daughter? For example a reduction in cm?

I haven't claimed cm because I know for certain my ex would try and get the dc 50:50 instead of giving me penny to spend on his children. So we are both waiting and watching what the other person is doing.

I however, I have facilitated contact every other weekend. Despite, ds2 protest. Ex hasn't got a house so he don't take them overnight currently. Just few hour, he then returns them. He can afford it as a higher tax payer but he prefers to sofa surf and say woe is me.

Ex was so against helping me he wasn't feeding them for 3hr he had them. Now, ds2 cries when Ex tries to pick him up. Last two weeks, Ex has started to buy dc lunch. But the dc haven't forgot and ds2 loudly says he doesn't want to go with ex, because he don't want to get thirst or hungry.

I just filled dc stomach before Ex took them out and had hot food ready for them on their return. Whereas, ex took them to swimming or another sport and only offered to share water from his water bottle with them.

Eow and 50% of holidays is perfectly fair and normal

im sorry but you’re going to have to get used to that and look at ways to support your daughter as a court would very likely order that if it came to it

Time to start building your case. It took me 7 years and maybe 5 trips to court. He tried for 50-50 court said no. My girls were 8&9 when they said enough and from there it took 2 court trips.
I documented everything. Lots of statements from psychologists, doctors, child minders etc. Not necessarily against him but pro me.
Threatening calls and messages. Try and get everything in writing. When he threatened by phone to kill me i had recorded the call. The police took it as evidence so I had a record of it. He allowed the court to listen to it because he said I'd got friends to act it out.
Get a lawyer that really understands domestic abuse and prove to her you have a case.
Eventually he lost parental responsibility and they haven't see him since they were 9.

What if I have texts discussing it where he admits it?

This is awful - I'm so sorry xoxo

Thank you for this - it gives me hope that the law isn't blindly going to give him what he wants as he legally is an equal parent xoxo