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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Trapped. How do I afford it? What do I need?

15 replies

cornishone · 09/08/2023 19:20

I'm not sure I want to divorce but I feel it's inevitable.

At the moment I feel trapped and like I have no choices.

We own our own house and have a relatively low mortgage.

DH earns around £60k.

I am self-employed but my earning is patchy, especially over the last few years due to Covid. I'm scared it's not consistent enough to support myself.

Looking at rent terrifies me. It's so expensive
DH wouldn't make it easy to sell the house
DH will never move out
I have a dog and DS1 who I cannot leave behind.
The housing market and economy terrifies me in terms of how I can support myself and what happens if my business doesn't pick up.

I don't know what to do, or how to get into a more confident position.

Do I need a bank of savings? Regular income? Permanent job?

I don't know what to prioritise. I keep thinking I can hang on until DS leaves home (he's in Yr10) but I'm not sure I can.

OP posts:

Mumof3confused · 09/08/2023 19:25

See a solicitor for an initial free or fixed-fee session. Prioritise your mental health.

lljkk · 09/08/2023 19:49

Looking at rent terrifies me. It's so expensive
but tonnes of people pay it, even on low income.

DH wouldn't make it easy to sell the house DH will never move out
Then he will have to pay you for your share.

I have a dog and DS1 who I cannot leave behind.
why not, for a little while? Is your H. abusive to them?

Do I need a bank of savings?
How much cash could you access right now, if you had to, do you have your own bank account? Why not open your own account, then put all your income in it for 3 months before finding somewhere to lodge.

Regular income? Permanent job?
Regular income would be helpful. Why can't you take a job (PT) with regular hours as well as keep the small business?

continentallentil · 09/08/2023 19:56

Firstly pull all your joint financial info - earnings, house, savings, pensions., investments - and go and see a solicitor to see how it would divide. The house would either have to be sold or your husband buy you out (the court would enforce this).

Assuming your child would need to split their time you would need to buy a two bed. Sales can take a while so you might have to rent for a while (although this could come out of the settlement).

You need savings to survive 6 months in rented accommodation and a steady income. So if your business isn’t providing one, the first thing is to get a job while trying to boost the business.

millymollymoomoo · 09/08/2023 19:58

I’d say a fulll time permanent job is priority if your self employed income is low and not consistent. This will help you work out what benefits and support you might get and also secure rental property
is ds now starting year 10 or 11 ? If 11 and going into GCSEs I’d say you should probably hold off a year on separation tbh

millymollymoomoo · 09/08/2023 19:58

And if your son is c16 years old where would he want to live ??

divorceadviceneeded · 09/08/2023 19:59

You may be able to claim interim alimony from him (covers from date of separation to date of divorce) if he has the capacity to pay you, and you have the need. Sounds from what you've written that you would have a claim.

WhatFreshHell1 · 09/08/2023 20:25

How much is it to rent a 2 bedroom apartment in your area?

Original poster

cornishone · 09/08/2023 20:26

WhatFreshHell1 · 09/08/2023 20:25

How much is it to rent a 2 bedroom apartment in your area?

I've had a look and it's between £700 and £900.

No pets though. The dog needs to come with me as he is definitely my dog. DH wouldn't abuse him though.

OP posts:

Freeekedout · 09/08/2023 23:08

I may be wrong, but I think there are rules coming in to protect tenants with pets.

olsmummy · 10/08/2023 01:59

Hiya,

This literally could have been my post 2 or 3 years ago….
I think if you feel unsettled (particularly financially!) maybe you are are staying because of financially uncertainty….

the worse case scenario is (just because I did stay & we have gone through mediation & now I’m going through legal because I felt bullied & not happy with what he felt was fair (even though I worked long part time hours the whole of our marriage & worked full time as a mum because he worked in London or abroad)

the biggest advice I have been given is don’t leave the marital home…. Is he still staying at the house??

im a mum or 2, working part time (around a very high earning husband)…

im still in the family home but my husband is massively pushing me to sell that…. (He just wants to move on with his ability to get as much as possible & isn’t happy at paying the interest on the mortgage) daily he is asking me to put the house on the market (but I’m really scared that if it sells & me & the boys have to move - where will that be etc…

Ive also been claiming universal credit this week along with hardship credits for water, electricity & gas…. You will need to become humble but actually that’s ok (i never thought that I would need to (I have always have had very nice cars & handbags/jewellery etc) me & the boys have had to sit down & work out based on the £34 a week each (from £250-300 a week on food previously) … surprisingly they have been ok… & I have just been very honest with them (dad isn’t giving me the same amount he used to give me)

you will be ok, you do need to get a good
solicitor if you can, maybe try & negotiate that your fees can come from your settlement??? My solicitor didn’t want me to compromise on good legal representation just because I couldn’t afford it…

do it know when you are in control…it won’t be easy & you will be scary but at least you will be in control xxx

millymollymoomoo · 10/08/2023 07:20

OP if your DS is about to start GCSEs I’d really urge you to wait until he’s completed them if you possibly can. Use that year to better your position. Your husband not a high earner so you can’t rely on spousal or him continuing to pay your home etc,

Original poster

cornishone · 10/08/2023 07:55

DS is going into year 10. No I definitely wouldn't do it in year 11.

By not leaving the marital home, do you mean living here together until we are divorced? I am confident DH wouldn't move out unless he is forced to.

OP posts:

Radiodread · 10/08/2023 22:34

It’s a really tricky one.

why Dyou think divorce is inevitable? Is your husband unkind or abusive or is it just a ‘run its course’ situation?

it’s never a good idea to stay together for the sake of the child(ren), in that they always know deep down. Only you can predict how separating might affect your child’s well-being and academic success.

with my DS2 we had a rough 2 years as he was on the cusp of puberty when it all happened.

with dd1 she was just going up to secondary and she was actually fine on the outside and has thrived at gcse level

DS1 was in y9 and has struggled the most BUT I think that is more to do with his personality and affinity with exh, rather than his age.

I think we can erroneously presume that kids will immediately suffer from a relationship breakup and it will negatively impact them as a given. That isn’t necessarily the case particularly if the family home was full of conflict or very unhappy.

either way I think you will be much happier if you have a reliable source of employed income post- separation. You can’t count on maintenance, and irregular SE income is hard to live with.

if you’re married with a small mortgage though, you should have a fair bit of capital or the house outright in a settlement (don’t forget about your probably payment in kind to your partners pension from years of career sidelining to bring up a child… )

Radiodread · 10/08/2023 22:44

On the plus side, it looks like you live somewhere where rents are quite reasonable. If you could earn eg £ 35k gross you would comfortably be able to afford that rent although there would not be that much spare. You would also get maintenance till 18 if DS stayed mostly with you and remains in education for sixth form. plus child benefit and possibly some UC depending on earnings. With your equity share on top of that you might do ok -although ‘savings’ might mean you get less or no benefit income …

Original poster

cornishone · 19/08/2023 08:09

In full disclosure, our child died. The past 5 years have been hard for all of us but I am making my way through. However my earnings have not been great as I have not (and am still not) in top form.

DH isn't abusive although he's not always kind. He has an alcohol problem which means he drinks large amounts every weekend. I'm so bored of it - and then him being in a foul mood. He's depressed but won't do anything about it.

I just don't want to live like this for the rest of my life. But also I would feel terrible guilt about leaving DH. I love him very much still, but he won't seek help in anyway, and does lots of things that make my life harder.

I don't want to put DS through anymore grief or heartache than he has already been through.

Maybe if I'm in a position to leave, I'll feel less trapped and DH might also have an impetus to sort himself out.

OP posts:

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