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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Clothes…

27 replies

SleeplessInCity · 08/08/2023 00:54

NC obviously. What happens if your children do EOW with their other parent? Do you send clothes?
Are they sent back clean?

OP posts:
TossacointoHenryCavill · 08/08/2023 03:22

Do the kids have school uniform? How about they go to Dad’s on Friday evening in School Uniform which he washes over the weekend ready for Monday when he drops them off at school. He can buy pyjamas and a couple of outfits for the kids to wear over the weekend. If the kids are teens or preteens and old enough to want to wear specific things, they can be in charge of their own clothes going back and forth.

PeanutBellyJam · 08/08/2023 06:38

I don't have experience of this with my own kids yet but my DB has 2 children that he shares with his ex and what I saw from them is moving clothes and things between houses was stressful for the kids. They would become upset if they forgot anything, one of the parents was always complaining about the other and what they did or didn't send back. They were 3 and 6 when this began

Once they started doing what @TossacointoHenryCavill has described above, having all the clothes and things they needed at both houses it was easier for all of them. They did change overs in their school uniforms and school bags and always only brought their favourite teddies. They're teens and preteens now and they now bring things to and from each parents house if they want to but still have all they need at each with some spare uniform for emergencies

Original poster
SleeplessInCity · 08/08/2023 08:17

Apologies, I should have been clearer, only one overnight stay

OP posts:
TossacointoHenryCavill · 08/08/2023 08:57

If it’s causing issues, one solution is to ask for the kids to be sent home in the same clothes they arrived in. So they arrive at Dad’s and swap to Dad’s house clothes, then when it’s time to go home they swap back to Mum’s house clothes they came in. I wouldn’t expect them to be laundered for a one night stay. It’s not the nicest solution for the kids, but it’s much lower conflict that constant arguing about clothes going missing at Dad’s place/ mum not sending clothes Dad likes/clothes getting ruined while at Dads.
In any case, he should have some basics at his place. A set of pjs (two if kids are young enough that bedwetting still happens occasionally), a pack of pants, a pack of socks, and 2 complete changes of clothes would do it nicely. Can be bought from supermarket ranges or Primark or pieces picked up 2nd hand - it is frustrating when clothes only get worn a handful of times before they are too small but he still should have the basics at his place - it will help the kids feel more at home. I’d consider packing extras for holidays if things are generally amicable. And big expensive items like coats and shoes should just travel with (well, on really) the child.

Lizzt2007 · 08/08/2023 10:10

No. Both parents are grown ups and have clothes at their own houses for the children. They go in whatever they're wearing that day and come back on whatever they put on the following day. There's no silly arguments over whose clothes they are, there all the kids clothes.

Summertime109 · 08/08/2023 19:26

All kids clothes here. Mine do stay at their dads more than one overnight tho.

Dad has pjs etc that all live at his house tho

TravellingSpoon · 09/08/2023 15:39

Lizzt2007 · 08/08/2023 10:10

No. Both parents are grown ups and have clothes at their own houses for the children. They go in whatever they're wearing that day and come back on whatever they put on the following day. There's no silly arguments over whose clothes they are, there all the kids clothes.

This!

User63847484848 · 09/08/2023 15:41

Mine come back after school on a Friday, get out of their uniform and I help them pack a small case, they take stuff from here. They are 8-15 so a bit older and have favourite clothes.
They come back Sunday evening and I wash the stuff.

I think it depends on what the kids want and if it’s 3 nights or 2 and directly to/from school or not, but that’s how we do it.

BungleandGeorge · 09/08/2023 16:30

Yes send stuff, no never gets washed. Annoying but not worth making an issue of for the kids sake

purplebluediscorain · 09/08/2023 16:35

my child’s sibling comes with fresh stuff everything but occasionally leaves a tracksuit or something behind. And my partner does wash everything including school uniform to go back on a Sunday.

mathanxiety · 09/08/2023 16:43

ExH never had anything for the DCs at his home. I packed bags every second Friday with underwear, clothes, pads, tampons, dvds, phone chargers, books, whatever they needed. Tbh, the DCs shuddered at the idea of any of their stuff being kept at exH's, and I preferred it this way too. He used to destroy clothing in the wash (liked to use bleach) so I am thankful that their clothes were never washed there.

Original poster
SleeplessInCity · 10/08/2023 23:38

BungleandGeorge · 09/08/2023 16:30

Yes send stuff, no never gets washed. Annoying but not worth making an issue of for the kids sake

Can I ask why🤷‍♀️
I wash, dry and iron 13/14 nights, why can’t he do one wash??

OP posts:
Original poster
SleeplessInCity · 10/08/2023 23:39

mathanxiety · 09/08/2023 16:43

ExH never had anything for the DCs at his home. I packed bags every second Friday with underwear, clothes, pads, tampons, dvds, phone chargers, books, whatever they needed. Tbh, the DCs shuddered at the idea of any of their stuff being kept at exH's, and I preferred it this way too. He used to destroy clothing in the wash (liked to use bleach) so I am thankful that their clothes were never washed there.

I do exactly that, just find it ridiculous tbh, that one wash can’t be sorted

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 10/08/2023 23:44

My kids take clothes from my house to his. He pays me extra because he hates clothes shopping and I have the kids 13/14 nights with me so it's no drama. They bring their clothes back for me to wash because they don't want to be without their favourite items of clothing.

mathanxiety · 11/08/2023 02:11

@SleeplessInCity
The way I looked at it, the kids were happy to have their clothes with them at home, and not ruined by bleach.

They were also glad not to have to go clothes shopping with their dad because he had patience for about five minutes while shopping and after that would take the first thing he saw on the closest rack and insist that was what he was buying for them.

For those reasons, I did all the clothes buying and all the laundry even before we were separated. Nothing really changed.

I have a dryer, and I can appreciate the frustration of having to deal with line drying or draping clothes on radiators, etc.

CheekyHobson · 11/08/2023 03:15

I wash, dry and iron 13/14 nights, why can’t he do one wash??

He could, but he obviously won’t. You’ll only frustrate yourself and make the relationship more tense if you make a drama out of it. No, it’s not fair. But you can’t force fair with someone who doesn’t want to be fair. So just let it go.

If you’re really washing that often, surely it can’t be hard to add their clothes to the wash the next day? Perhaps part of the problem is that you are doing more washes than you need to? Surely you could wash every second day?!

Woodstocks · 11/08/2023 06:49

We have the same problem here. Kids stay every other weekend and half the holidays. Luckily they arrive in regular clothes and not school uniform but their mum never provides any clothes (out of spite as she used to, but then stopped over some h related argument).

We do have some basics here but as somebody above said, it is frustrating because the things don’t get worn a lot and before you know it they are grown out of it. The maintenance my partner pays goes partly towards clothing the kids but mum behaves like the clothes belong to her! She insists that the kids come back in exactly the same clothes they are sent in (which is fine for main items but it’s hard to explain to a kid that he has to put dirty socks and used underwear back on !)

They have pyjamas and socks and pants here and then some T-shirts and joggers but we don’t buy the expensive main items as they should be travelling on the kids like again somebody said above and it’s not reasonable to expects second full wardrobe that we have to fund on top of maintenance which is also partly for clothes. So no jackets or shoes. We put the things in the wash but obvs can do this I. Our own time as the things are ours and send the kids back in their old clothes as requested. I wouldn’t make my kids put dirty underwear on again because they are “mine” but each to their own and soon enough the kids will be old enough to tell their mum she is being silly

User63847484848 · 11/08/2023 07:39

Can’t you wash the underwear whilst they’re with you so they’re still going back in the same stuff but it’s clean?

Original poster
SleeplessInCity · 11/08/2023 16:19

CheekyHobson · 11/08/2023 03:15

I wash, dry and iron 13/14 nights, why can’t he do one wash??

He could, but he obviously won’t. You’ll only frustrate yourself and make the relationship more tense if you make a drama out of it. No, it’s not fair. But you can’t force fair with someone who doesn’t want to be fair. So just let it go.

If you’re really washing that often, surely it can’t be hard to add their clothes to the wash the next day? Perhaps part of the problem is that you are doing more washes than you need to? Surely you could wash every second day?!

I think you have missed the point tbh…

OP posts:
Workawayxx · 11/08/2023 16:25

I pack and send clothes (or DS does now if there's time as he's 11), they aren't usually washed although they were the other day as I was taking DS on holiday on the Monday and he wanted his favourite clothes washed. I find it easier not to rock the boat as he just complains to DS and then he feels torn between us. We live less than a mile apart and DS has a key to each house so it's not too tricky if DS needs to get something from either house.

CheekyHobson · 11/08/2023 17:27

I think you have missed the point tbh…

@SleeplessInCity

No, I think you’re missing my point. If you think I don’t know what it’s like to have a frustrating ex who won’t do the basics you should be able to expect from another adult, you’re wrong.

I have simply learned that it is better for my own peace of mind to let go of the idea that I can make him play fair, because he won’t. I just do things myself, because it actually takes less mental energy and involves spending less time feeling negative than unsuccessfully trying to change him. I’m already doing 90 percent, what’s another percent or two?

Every time I do something he can’t be arsed to, I quietly congratulate myself on being a fucking great mum and a capable human being, and then move on. Try it, you might prefer it.

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 11/08/2023 17:33

My dd is generally 50/50 or 40/60 at home with me. She has clothes at both houses, but generally only one or two special outfits (think wedding/party etc) so we just send them when needed.
school uniform he always washes, and irons before I get it back. General clothes just drop into circulation unless she wants something back at home. That may not be washed, but that's more on DD not putting it in the wash basket at dads.

if I take her clothes shopping, ill normally give him a heads up and ask if he needs anything at his. Then will pick up extras when out for him. (He always sends the money immediately).

Woodstocks · 11/08/2023 21:34

User63847484848 · 11/08/2023 07:39

Can’t you wash the underwear whilst they’re with you so they’re still going back in the same stuff but it’s clean?

Of course I can but im
not willing to put a wash on for two pants and four socks as soon as they step through the door. We wash when the wash bag is full. I’m not willing to make my life revolve around the ex and be wasteful with resources just because of her. In time if it bugs the kids enough they will argue it out with her. Until then it just is what it is. And to be honest - I wear socks more than one day so they will survive this . Underwear is another story but again- if mum requests it then I can’t be arsed.

User63847484848 · 11/08/2023 22:24

Oh fgs I’m sure you could find some other things to put in the wash! Poor kids stuck in the middle. Be the bigger person.

Original poster
SleeplessInCity · 13/08/2023 18:18

CheekyHobson · 11/08/2023 17:27

I think you have missed the point tbh…

@SleeplessInCity

No, I think you’re missing my point. If you think I don’t know what it’s like to have a frustrating ex who won’t do the basics you should be able to expect from another adult, you’re wrong.

I have simply learned that it is better for my own peace of mind to let go of the idea that I can make him play fair, because he won’t. I just do things myself, because it actually takes less mental energy and involves spending less time feeling negative than unsuccessfully trying to change him. I’m already doing 90 percent, what’s another percent or two?

Every time I do something he can’t be arsed to, I quietly congratulate myself on being a fucking great mum and a capable human being, and then move on. Try it, you might prefer it.

Thanks

OP posts:
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