I left my ex four years ago, left the family home and took as little equity as I could to allow myself to buy my own house. I’d been a SAHM for most of our relationship but three young kids and worked as soon as youngest was in nursery. He had a job that often involved working away so was the only way we could manage.
we’ve been very amicable until recently, and so although we’re divorced have no financial agreement (I know this is stupid but it was during covid etc and seeing as we were friends it didn’t seem a priority).
I now work FT, fortunately from home, and have worked my arse off to make myself as financially independent as possible. He has always paid maintenance.
recently he has made a few huge decisions that have significantly impacted our lives- for example changing from night shifts to days and insisting he can’t have the kids when he has days. This means he now wants the kids only at weekends, whereas before he sometimes had them weekdays which was really helpful for my mental health as had a few days off childcare every fortnight where I could just focus on work.
he then went abroad for a month with work, which I agreed to, but decided he shouldn’t need to pay any more maintainance. He also decided he doesn’t need to pay anything extra for anything additional the kids need. I’ve had to fork out huge financial expenses that he doesn’t see as anything to do with him, and I am powerless to do anything about it.
all of this decision making has impacted me horribly. I feel like I’ve worked so hard to be in control and he has so easily been able to make decisions that impact my life, and I have no power to influence them. He’s now demanding he has the kids both weekend nights and I’ve refused, because I want some fun time with them too- plus two are at gcse age and I know he won’t enforce homework etc. he’s come into my home this weekend and accused me of being controlling, destroying him financially and all I’ve done is destroy him since he met me. Basically I’ve been a parasite and I couldn’t have my life if it wasn’t for him.
hes having a meltdown because while he was away I went to the cms so that they could tell him what to pay- essentially for four years he’s fought to reduce his payments. They’ve confirmed he’s paying the right amount so he wants to increase the days (at his convenience only) to reduce his payment.
The bit that I’m struggling with, and that’s causing an issue with my new partner, is that him making these decisions that control my life has mentally had quite a triggering impact. I was used to being given an allowance, and having no financial control in our marriage, and that he has the ability to change when I have my children, when I can prioritise work, when I can get time for myself etc has really mentally impacted me.
has anyone got any tools or advice that I could use in helping deal with this? None of my family understand why I let him upset me this much, but all I can say is that it triggers a lot of emotions from a very dark time. Maybe therapy is the only answer?!