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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Child contact

25 replies

Bemyclementine · 04/08/2023 19:58

Very difficult situation between me and my ex. We are not able to communicate at all.

I have the children 24/7 other than one weekend day when he has them. He says I prevent him from having a proper relationship with them, despite having never refused him access. (Rather, times I've asked him to have them, he's said no).

So. He wants a court order in place for child contact. I am MORE than happy for him to havethdm more often. Is a court order necessary/usual though?

I've asked what he would like/siggest and he won't say.

If I maje a proposal solicitor to solicitor, surely his solicitor will see it as reasonable (it will be considerably more than he has now) andadvise him to agree?

Or is it best to have a court order?

OP posts:

JibbaJab · 04/08/2023 20:19

Is there a reason for having them for one day a week?

Starlightstarbright2 · 04/08/2023 20:24

I would send him an email offering to increase contact if that is what he wants at least you have evidence you have offered more .

Lostmyway86 · 04/08/2023 20:29

Yes send an email with suggested options so you have evidence. Usually you won't be able to go to court unless you've done mediation first, so I think he's just throwing this out worry you.

Original poster

Bemyclementine · 04/08/2023 20:32

@JibbaJab not on my part!

OP posts:

Original poster

Bemyclementine · 04/08/2023 20:33

I messaged to say we need to try and agree between ourselves and what did he want? He replied that it was pointless trying, we'd never agree, I would be unreasonable etc. (I'm not) and that we needed it done properly and legally.

OP posts:

JibbaJab · 04/08/2023 20:41

Well if it's him that's being unreasonable then likely courts won't take any notice as need mediation certificate first

Original poster

Bemyclementine · 04/08/2023 21:06

OK, that's great thank you. I'll look for a local mediation service.

OP posts:

EVliving · 04/08/2023 21:16

I am going through this now, book mediation, if your ex refuses then you get a certificate to go straight to court.

Court is around £256 and you dont need a solicitor.

Good luck

JibbaJab · 04/08/2023 21:17

@Bemyclementine My circumstances are the opposite I'm trying to get contact but being withheld and involves DA but even I did everything right and did meditation. They didn't even respond to it so I got my certificate regardless.

So in your case if you did it and he refused, you would get one and you can say, look I tried every route to avoid court because that's what they want too.

Original poster

Bemyclementine · 04/08/2023 22:03

I just don't understand it. I'm absolutely happy for him to have them more. He does no extra days at all really, once in a blue moon. 2 days last years school holidays. One overnight so far this year (because one of the dc phoned and asked for it).

OP posts:

AndyMcFlurry · 04/08/2023 22:07

I’m just guessing - but I don’t think he wants them more. He just wants to have a good excuse to tell someone else ( his family ? A new GF) why he hardly even has them.

It’s image management.

JibbaJab · 04/08/2023 22:09

Yeah I don't get it either, it's sad but mostly for the children. I would do anything to see mine right now...men are like that though and some can just be difficult for the sake of it.

Likelihood is he will be told to meditate, I believe they want that first unless there is abuse so I wouldn't worry. As long as you're not withholding and you've done everything you can he will look the unreasonable one.

EVliving · 04/08/2023 22:40

You dont need to do anything, my ex is a woman and wont have the kids unless the court says when. Madness, she also can have them anytime.

Let him do the running, mediation, court etc.

You dont need to do anything.

Some people are sad. Men and women.

Original poster

Bemyclementine · 04/08/2023 22:44

Unfortunately I do need to sort this out. We have come to an agreement about the house, but it's conditional on us giving a child contact and maintainencce agreement in place.very difficult for me to agree to something that he won't suggest.

OP posts:

EVliving · 04/08/2023 22:46

Then let the court decide.

You said you are happy for more contact to happen.

Original poster

Bemyclementine · 04/08/2023 22:49

I am, so why can't he say what he wants,and me agree?

Neither of us have the money to go through court.

OP posts:

Slothlikemum · 04/08/2023 22:53

Is he using it as a stalling tactic to delay the agreement about the house and maintenance coming into force?

Muckysmucky · 04/08/2023 22:56

Is he trying to reduce his child maintenance payments?

Original poster

Bemyclementine · 04/08/2023 23:13

I don't know. I can't even begin to imagine what his aim is. I did a cms calculation based on a very Conservative estimate of his income, and based on him having them overnight once a week. It's a small amount less than he pays now. What he pays now was his suggestion.

This has been dragging on for a loooong time . I just want it over with.

OP posts:

EVliving · 04/08/2023 23:19

Court cost me £256 my ex hasnt paid a penny.

Original poster

Bemyclementine · 04/08/2023 23:26

Well that seems to be cheaper than mediation.

OP posts:

EVliving · 04/08/2023 23:36

Its is cheaper, but one of you will need to start the mediation process to get the cerficate for court. I did mine over the phone.

Ex refused to engage so certificate was given to me. Then fill out a C100 for court.

Its a slowish process.

Very sad that it is needed but some people are sad and controlling.

AndyMcFlurry · 05/08/2023 08:54

Bemyclementine · 04/08/2023 23:13

This has been dragging on for a loooong time . I just want it over with.

Ah that’s probably why. He’s dragging it out to piss you off and also hoping that you turn around and give him exactly what he wants ( about the money, not the kids ) just to get it over with.

and the reason he won’t agree about the kids is to delay you going to CMS, it’s just stalling again. My guess is that he’s in a salaried job and that his income is much higher than you think, he will have to pay more under CMS.

Also he has to have the kids more than 52 nights a year to reduce the level of child support, which I assume is very unlikely given his current amount of parenting .

Personally I’d just apply to CMS - unless he has a cash in hand job or is self employed . It will cost you £10 and him nothing to apply and get a proper calculation - they do it based on last years tax return .

As long as he pays up on time each week / month then he doesn't have to pay any extra than the base amount . It’s only more if he fails to pay and they have to collect it from his employer .

Of course I might be wrong, I’m just guessing. But given that he says it’s about him having the kids more and you’ve already said that he can so so and he’s not interested - I think you can safely assume that he’s lying and it’s NOT about the kids. It’s about something he cares about more than the kids.

wehaveeaches · 11/08/2023 10:14

When you get to court his solicitor will come in and ask if you can reach an agreement, and you likely will since you've said you are happy to give him the contact he wants.

Just turn up on your own and agree, this will end the process before even going before a judge.

Original poster

Bemyclementine · 12/08/2023 07:53

That's really helpful, thank you

OP posts:

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