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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

How to tell DC about separation

4 replies

Ithinkiminlimbo · 04/08/2023 16:24

Hi everyone,

I'm on my phone so if there's any formatting issues I apologise.
Me(f) and STBX(m) have separated buy are cohabiting atm due to both being unable to afford to leave right now.

We have 3 DC, 16,13 and 12. The youngest is quite sensitive.
I have no idea how to tell them about us. I know to use age appropriate language etc, but it all happened as I just don't want to be with STBX anymore as I felt neglected and underappreciated for many years, and I dont think that's for them to know really, especially as we are both wanting to be present when we tell them.
Does anyone have any advice or how they told their older children of their separation?

Many thanks

OP posts:
Anita848 · 04/08/2023 22:06

My friend used this guide for how to tell them - her partner pretty much wanted out of the picture by that point so she had to do it herself.
I read through it and there a few things I thought I probably should have said so maybe that might help you.
I think just mainly reassure them that you're not going anywhere and it was a decision between the two of you that had nothing to do with the kids (they didn't cause it). Mine was anxious that they would be away from me but I told them that I'd always be here. https://iamlip.com/speaking-to-your-children-about-your-divorce/

Ithinkiminlimbo · 06/08/2023 21:23

Thank you so much for your reply and for sharing a link, it's super helpful, as is your advice.
Once I have prepared myself, we'll tell them and I'll let you know how it went.
Thanks again

OP posts:
iamenough2023 · 07/08/2023 06:47

I would say as simple and short as possible, and be direct, do not beat around the bush. Definitely do not give them too much info, this is what my therapist suggested, as this is between your stbx and you. She also told me to make sure you know who they will live with, once one of you moves out, as they will want to know this. I told my kids this:" Your father and I decided to separate. Please know that this has nothing to do with you and that we both love you very, very much. Your father will be moving out and I would like you to stay here with me, but you are welcome to go with him, if this is what you wish". Good luck op.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 08/08/2023 09:51

My advice is NOT to say anything until you have clear plans about how their care will be managed, where they’ll be living, schools, custody switches etc

if you tell them that you’re splitting without being to answer these obvious questions they’ll be thinking, they’ll fill that hole of unknown with fear and anxiety. Remember they aren’t in control of where they live or conduct their lives - you’re both the parents so you need to sort this out first, even if you don’t have details down to last bit, and tell them this at same time

make sure you both tell them togther. Tell them you’ll continue to parent them together, tell them it is a decision between you and spouse and not anything to do with them

agree and rehearse, if needs be, your joint reason you’ll give to kids. Even with mine at age 25 and 28, we simply said that we’d agreed it was better for us to live apart . That sort of level is all that’s needed. They’ll ask more with time and age,and you can answer better then once the initial pain and grief has eased

above all, remember this will put them on a grief pathway. Read up about it. They are experiencing a loss, as are both you and stbex, everyone needs time to deal emotionally with that. The Grief pathway is a useful tool to understand the natural feelings and emotions that result from this sort of loss. You knowing this can help you deal appropriately with the kids emotions over next months and years.

your kids will come to terms with it, they will adapt, but it is easier if both parents remain united in their parenting approach and give consistent messages to kids. Sit with your stbex and work through the details first, then what message you’re going to give to them.

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