Living together

[Anonconfused]

Hello, not sure if I'm looking for support, advice, or just to get it down somehow to help work out what to do. I'm feeling pretty low and dont know what to do next. Its helped so much so far reading other peoples advice on other peoples situations.

Married 10+ years, together double that and 2 primary age children. Years of issues, talk of separation 5 and 3 years ago which we decided to keep trying, but now we are actually separating. No one else knows yet.

Husband wants to continue living together to provide financial stability and experiences as a family we are unlikely to be able to do separately. And not make it clear to the kids. At least until much later.

I'm slowly feeling lower and lower, it's me who said to end the marriage after much time to get to that point and now I feel I've finally got there, I'm in another different messy situation. I cant see how we could coparent as friends, without the kids knowing, but without living a double life. I dont want to be in this marriage or pretend to be. But I'm scared to push a proper separation/separate lives in case I'm just caught in the fog of it all and there is a way of doing this that would actually benefit the children.

Does anyone have experience of making a similar situation work? How did that look? Did the kids know? And family and friends? If so what did you tell them? If no one knew how can you move on and get any freedom/space in and out of the house without people knowing and thinking things are odd? And maintaining your mental wellbeing? There are reasons the marriage hasnt worked so pretending to still be in it seems impossible to me right now but maybe I just need to hear how it could happen to give me a positive outlook on it and know how to achieve it. Thank you if you have read this.

Husband wants to continue living together to provide financial stability and experiences as a family we are unlikely to be able to do separately. And not make it clear to the kids. At least until much later.

Is this definitely the reason he wants to keep living together? It's not to do with him being without cooking, cleaning, company?

Ex-Dh and I lived together for almost 2 years post separation as caught by Covid and then house prices/availability etc. told the DC in sept 2019 (albeit older) and I moved into the spare room as mainly on my instigation.

It worked out fine, even under Covid house arrest. But we'd just grown apart rather than any huge issues - minor issues still flared but ok.

He moved out late summer of 2021 and I actually think it was a helpful transition for the DC even if I'd not have chosen it at outset.

In terms of freedom to meet others he did go on the apps and that was annoying to know but nothing went anywhere. I've not looked at all as perfectly happy single and have a (very) FT job and loads of friends and enjoy spending time with DC and DDog.

I don't think I could do it for the long term though

Trust your instincts. If you wanted to live together you wouldn't have instigated ending the marriage. He's trying to ignore that by suggesting continuing to living together and not telling kids etc (because making plans to live separately and tell the DCs makes it REAL. But it IS real because you have said you want to separate.

It's amazing just how rubber-eared and stubborn men can be in ignoring their partner's wishes when those wishes are inconvenient for them.

He’s basically asking to have an affair
do he wants to keep you living together, do family things, keep you tied to him but go out and see people and have his freedom when he wants. It’s a no from me

if you are separating do just that. Separate. Work out a plan to coparent well and sell house ( if need to) to both move out. And move on

divorce doesn’t savage children / his divorce is handled is what does damage.

No. Just living together for a week whilst he packed his things was hard enough and unsettling for the kids - I guess if you have a big house and can have completely separate spaces it might work

The good thing about separating is that you don’t have to agree with your partner anymore. The awful thing is if the relationship was one sided and they like to keep control, it’s very difficult for you to voice that disagreement.

My STBX said don’t tell anyone yet, then proceeded to tell all his family, many of his friends and even my brother. I only found out about my brother knowing when my Sil rang me. I had told two other people who needed to know as it directly affected them. My husband by this time had told 16 or 17 other people.

If you are separating you don’t have to do everything he says. I know how difficult this can be a my husband is an entitled bully.

Perhaps you can get him to agree to a time limit to playing happy families. Or you could just deviously do/say something that brings it into the open. Normally I wouldnt advise this, but if your well being is seriously affected, then you have to do whatever makes you survive.

We've been separated under one roof for a couple of months, it's shit. We told the kids a few weeks after we seperated. The same nasty behaviour and lack of being a decent human being/husband/father that made me finally tell him I was done is still there and he's doing even less then he did before. .He won't move out until he can buy a place and what he wants he can't afford. It's doing even more damage to my mental health then he's already done having him here. Im disabled and sick and can't move out, I would move out if I had any choice.

Just push forward, have a conversation with kids and separate. I was in similar position, ex didnt want to live, ended up in same house for over 1 year which was hell. I had to live a double life and it's not fun, I hate lying and making excuses for trying to enjoy my life, not doing anything wrong. He also didnt want anyone to know, thats ridiculous. I had to be patient to navigate each stressful step until he saw it was really over and decided to move out, it's not easy but living in limbo is worse.
Thats just him keeping control over you and not accepting its ended. Also 2 kids who are now much happier in a stress free home and accepted. Good luck!

This is already making you miserable. Crack on with building your own life, which includes not living with your STBXH.

So ex dh & I did this.
It was all peachy until he starting seeing someone else.
At this point I decided it wasn't working and the tipping point was seeing his post date clothes next to the washing machine 😳

Just came across this thread as I’m in a similar situation. If you feel you can post, I was wondering if you resolved this @Anonconfused?
Mine is refusing to even consider divorce but wants us to separate & stay in the same house & coparent as friends. He says I can’t force him to divorce.

@Everlastingcoffee that’s not correct if your re in England /wales ( not sure re Scotland ?)

you CAN divorce him under no fault divorce and he can’t do anything about it

of course sorting finances Might be trickier but you absolutely don’t have to stay married to him if you don’t want to

Thanks @millymollymoomoo, yes I know I can. But ideally need him to agree on finances & our child.

@Everlastingcoffee I'm sorry you're in this position too, its very difficult. I'm not sure my reply will help you but it may even for moral support so you know you're not on your own.

We are many months down the line and not much different with slow progress. I gave time for my husband to work out how he saw his suggestion working but he never has been able to, in the meantime we have continued to live as a family. And so I have had to be firm now and I'm the one pushing forward. For various reasons it has taken some time to do this which would be too outing to write. But our house will be going on the market next month and at that point we will tell people including our children first of course.

I have been unable to file for divorce due to the reasons I couldn't progress this too. We are now working on an agreement of equity split between us so we can get on and move rather than wait for divorce and full financial settlement (would welcome any advice from people who sold before this too? Is it unusual?). I took some initial legal advice and we don't have much to share out or argue over.

I just can't live like this. Our children are missing out on social opportunities that we have to decline/ignore as don't want to go together and going separately would raise questions we are not in a position to answer. We arent enjoying life and have no plans to look forward to like we normally would. Life feels on hold for our family but the children don't know it, which is so sad. The reasons for separating are still there and I can't address them any more so I'm living a half life.

It's so very difficult and I have never felt as under pressure/stressed as I do right now, something has to change.

Does your husband say how he sees the future looking if you live together? Will the children be aware of the change in relationship between you both in this scenario or does he want to pretend to them?

You're not alone, and there is a way forward. I haven't worked it all out yet but will get there.

I'm sorry you're still in this situation @Anonconfused. Thank you for sharing where you are. My husband says he knows how it would be but when I ask specific questions, he does not have an answer or is surprised by the issues I raise. What you say about plans really resonates. We are already cancelling things because it feels too weird to go together and I imagine this will only get worse. I also feel tense because I have told some people but not others and he has told no one. Hope you find your way out soon.

@Everlastingcoffee everything you have said is the same in terms of plans, him not telling people and the vagueness, its bizarre to think its the same for someone else, its odd enough to be in this limbo myself. For me, being reasonable in terms of trying to work with him on his hopes for the situation has only resulted in delaying the inevitable but the atmosphere and communication is much much worse now. In hindsight I wish I had just filed for divorce at the start but hopefully you will move through it better than I have. It's so hard, I do wish you all the best with moving out if it.