One year post separation and still feeling glum

[horseyhorsey17]

I just can't seem to look forward to the future with any sense of enjoyment. Split up with my husband a year ago, it wasn't anything dramatic but the culmination of about five years of us drifting apart and communications failing. Separate bedrooms and no sex eventually turned into separate houses. I thought this was what I wanted, as I felt really lonely in the marriage, but I still feel lonely, despite having loads of friends. Don't really feel interested in dating, particularly as all the guys on the dating apps seem to be total bellends looking for a shag. Slim pickings does not begin to describe what's out there! I'm an attractive 48 year old with a good job but men my age largely seem to be weirdos who are single for a reason! I dreamt last night that I got back with my ex, and we're still friendly and I think he does still harbour romantic feelings for me. But I don't want that either. I am dreading my kids leaving home and feeling really negative about it, even though it's a good five to ten years away yet as they are 14 and 12. I'm not a 'helicopter mum' so it worries me how emotionally dependent I am on them at the moment.

I lost my dad last year, and my stepdad (who I am close to) has just been diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer. It's been tough splitting and dealing with that. I've been to the doc who said I was depressed but didn't want to give me anti depressants, and I don't want to medicate really anyway. I've had counselling but it hasn't helped (partly because I don't trust counsellors either, a close relative is one and is a total narcissist!) Has anyone got any advice to get me out of the doldrums? I feel really flat and like I just don't know what I want from my life right now.

So sorry to hear you are struggling. With school age children it can be hard when your life tends to revolve around the daily routine for them. The only suggestion I have is to be kind to yourself, its only been a year and with the added grief of losing a parent and now Stepdad being ill you have had so much going on. I will say as I am about to start my 'new life' I have so much more admiration for women who have the courage to leave a lonely marriage, when the easy option is to stay. I don't know whether it helps using dating apps either. Us girls take care getting ready and building up our hopes to just face disappointment when the man you have been texting disappoints! you are not alone. I am looking forward to travelling, getting out of dodge and (with or without Children / friends) for a weekend just a change of scene now and again to get back to doing things I like... or to make memories for me and the children. My mum suggested joining a club which I scoffed at, but maybe not such a bad idea, not necessarily to meet a man but if that happens, its a bonus. Wishing you all the best xx

You sound similar to me when I first hit the menopause. That flat feeling and not being able to look forward to the future resonated with me.

Perhaps look up the symptoms first. Average age is 51 and peri menopause can be five years before. It can be a bit of a hormonal roller coaster, and a real surprise that your hormones can affect your personality so much.

If it’s not, then it’s maybe the usual stuff of taking time for yourself, exercise, fresh air, stuff just for you. Some people need to have things to look forward to like a holiday or a fun event coming up.

Others suggest drawing up life goal and plans, short term, medium and long term. It helps you focus on what you need to be doing to achieve each goal.

Or you may just be a little burnt out by the rut of work, house kids. The relief of not being with your husband has worn off, but hasn’t been replaced with anything (anyone) else.

Dunno about advice but I'm lurking because I'm 8 years past separation from dh of 25 years and 4 years past separation from partner I had after him and I'm single and can't ever see myself with anyone again. I'm 51 and ,y health is falling apart.

It's bleak .

You've certainly had a tough year OP, with the split and your dad and stepdad. I think that your youngest DC starting secondary can also be a transition time as they suddenly seem a bit more independent (maybe getting to school on their own etc) and you feel less needed.

I agree with @Isheabastard - make sure you are looking after yourself (exercise, eating well etc) and think about things you could do that will make you feel good. Any hobbies you used to have that went by the wayside when your DC were little?

I'm in a similar situation to you OP. I feel like I'm existing in order to raise the children and a year on post separation from my husband I'm also feeling a little flat. I'm 51 and in the thick of it with the menopause.. perfect timing as exH seems to have found the perfect excuse for me throwing in the towel - nothing to do with his cheating double life! I feel like I need a new focus in order to move forward. Just wanted you to know your not alone xx

I’m two years post separation still going through the divorce which has taken forever. About to downsize to a much smaller house I don’t really like much. Money is really tight and I have older kids. I’m also 50 and peri menopausal.
I think about when my youngest (who is almost 17 now) leaves and feel bleak. I can’t see myself meeting anyone else. I am overwhelmed (and overweight) and feel I have nothing to look forward to.
Ex has already met someone 10 years younger with no kids and hardly sees ours. I’ve been left with all the admin of the divorce and house move too. He’s already got a new place and completely moved on. I don’t want him back but feel angry he’s left me right in the 💩 without a backward glance.

it’s seems a common situation for women in the late forties/early fifties. Sorry you are going through it too

@Isheabastard did all of that settle down for you eventually (the not looking forward to things etc.)

@horseyhorsey17 In answer to your question, yes I’m back to being able to take pleasure in the simple things again.

I am currently divorcing a controlling man so life is difficult. But even so I’m grateful everyday to wake up in my own bed, in my own house (rented).

Thank you for all your advice and help and just for commenting really.

I am on HRT for the menopause - got every single symptom from low mood to non-existent libido to hair loss, so that's nice. It's definitely contributing to the flat feeling so maybe I should stop thinking it's all to do with my marriage ending. Hmmmm.

I used to horse ride but I don't think I want to get back into that again - too expensive and I don't bounce when I fall off any more! But it was a great way of meeting friends and getting out of the house. I work from home too - I am an editor - so spend a lot of time in one little room in the house not talking to anyone, so that may also be contributing to the lonely feeling.

I am also politically involved locally, but as most people in local politics are a bit odd (to be polite!), I can't see myself meeting Mr HorseyHorsey 2 that way!

Just posting to say you're not alone. I split with ex a year ago and feel the worst I have about the separation - feeling very sad and low and also starting to feel a bit lonely despite having very supportive friends and family. I think its a combination of a few things - the rage and anger has subsided and has uncovered a well of sadness that we didn't make it. Summer holidays making it worse because I'm out of my routine and had no idea how much I relied on that just to get me through the past year. My DCs spending more time with their Dad now he has his own place which is giving me more time to dwell on everything. I guess it's not going to be a simple straight line to feeling completely better - there will be the rough patches. I was with my Ex H for 19 years so in the grand scheme of things a year to recover from the grief of losing that is nothing. Sending best wishes and hoping you feel better soon x