Is 50/50 best for dc?

[CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease]

Or is EOW better?
Planning separation but hoping for amicable (no other party involved, just grown apart(, getting my ducks in row. Dc are 11 and 7. From a selfish point of view, I want a 60/40 split - I have the dc 4 nights a week, and dh has them 3, with one weekend day each. I think that is fairest on us as parents that we share so that we also get a break.
However, is this really best for the dc? I've read that split care can make them unsettled as they are constantly passing between two homes, two sets of rules, never really having a place to call "home" and feel settled. Also difficulties with making friends and inviting them over (especially for the eldest as he is about to start secondary). Is it in the children's best interests to have one main home, and then just visit the other parent every other weekend and one weekday night?

I'd love to hear of peoples experiences especially focusing on how the dc feel to the shared care as I just really want to do what is in their best interest

There is no one straight answer
it will depend on
Your children
you
your ex
proximity of houses
your ability to do parent
do they do sports or clubs that nothing parents will maintain
flexibility and change as you children enter teen years and want to spent more time with friends and not parents

so many variables

that says I think one weekend day is not a great idea and dies not permit either Pete t a whole weekend away etc

Have you asked your children ? ( particularly the 11 yo)

It depends on a number of things - how close the parents live to each other, schools activités etc and the most important the relationship between the parents - co- parenting needs to be amicable.

Our friends it worked very well, son is now 20 he very much had two secure homes. If he left something somewhere then they would ensure positively it was sorted. primary years he needed two of everything just to make it easier for all. Has a lovely relationship with both parents as a result.

Other friends, younger daughter happy to still do 50/50, when the Dad had another child the older daughter who was around 13 at the time choose to reduce contact - hated the overnights. So as parents they communicated and put their daughter first and listened to her worries - she then went to every other weekend and a week night a week.

Where it didn’t work is when the parents had no relationship and only communicated via emails - the children really struggled as a result of feeling stuck between an adult argument.

Like above poster said it depends on individual circumstances. Research shows that parenting patterns that duplicate what was happening before separation tends to work better for everyone, especially in the beginning stages of the separation.

So, for example, if one parent was a stay at home parent who did all of the parenting, whilst the other worked full time and had nothing to do with the children's scheduling etc, then 50/50 is more difficult for children.

The key points are ensuring the children get to spend enough time with each parent that allows them to have a good quality relationship, that conflict is kept to a minimum and is kept away from the children, that older children are involved in decision-making without being asked to choose and with no pressure or guilt, and that their extra-curricular life is taken into consideration.

It is also now thought that the more changes that happen quickly after separation the worse the impact on the child.

Unless ordered by a court I won't ever agree to 50/50. It's incredibly unsettling for children to be constantly shuttled between homes. My ex won't ever be able to afford anything more than a 1 bed or 1 bed plus box room at best and we have 3 children so I don't think it's fair to expect them to have to put up with that just so give him 50/50

Also the childcare costs are huge - and not likely to reduce until they are in secondary - if he wants 50% then he'll have to pay 50% of all the cost of the children - which is 3-4 times more than what he pays in maintenance currently

I'm expecting when the children are older that it may be one evening per week for dinner and then perhaps every other weekend depending on activities

The split you’re describing is what my ex and I have had in place for around 6 years now. Our daughter was very young when we split and it initially was more like 80:20 but it’s been in this set up since she started school.

We live very close to each other, near to her school, friends and activities. So it works.

I think it is less workable if you don’t live very close to each other though, because the to-ing and fro-ing will be felt by the children so much more. So if not within walking distance, a different set up may work better.

I think it depends on so many variables as to what would work best for your family, but my gut feeling is that 50/50 is usually more for the parents benefit than the childs.

I think the split of time needs to take into account the childs age, how near both parents live to each other, children's schools etc., do you get on well and coparent well or do you have very different parenting styles that could be confusing for the children, has one parent always been the main carer?

My 3 children are aged between 6 and 13 and live with me, staying with their Dad EOW. I was always primary carer with ex having very little involvement so it made sense for the children to live with me to give them them continuity and stability. Ex and I have very different parenting styles and he can be emotionally abusive so I felt very strongly that 50/50 was not in the children's best interests and I would only have agreed to that if court ordered. At the moment ex hasn't asked for extra contact but that may change.

I think it's also important to be flexible as the children get older, letting them have more say in how they split their time between the two of you.

Thank you all for the replies, a lot to think about. I guess I'll have to wait and see where H moves too, I imagine it will be very local but I don't know if he could afford a 3 bed, and although they could share, they might not want to and would prefer to stay in the family home (which was my home first - dh moved in with me, so I would expect that he will be the one to move out and I remain here)

We had 50:50.
But the pattern varied as the children got older.
We lived close to the kids Mum and the relationship between parents was good.
When the kids were at primary school we split midweek and every other weekend. Once they went to High School the kids asked to spend the whole week and weekend at alternating houses, so they switched houses on Sunday evening. It meant that they didn't have to stress about where books and uniform were, but it was a longer period of time not seeing them. It was more steady for the kids though and that's what mattered.

What worked for us was having a routine but being really flexible. I personally don't think 50/50 works but that's because my DC seemed to need one stable base. Maybe other DC would be different.

We did primary base at mine. DC stayed with their dad on Wednesdays and then either Friday night or the weekend (Saturday&Sunday). We had lots of everything they needed (like uniform) at each house so they weren't feeling pressure to pack clothes between houses.

Now DC are teens, it's much more fluid. One might see dad one evening and then the other the next evening, so they get 121 time.

We've prioritised the DC family and social lives as far as we can. E.g. if ex's family were having a get together on my weekend, their dad would take them so they could see their cousins on his side, and vice versa. If they want to meet friends on one of our weekends, we wouldn't see it as cutting into 'our time' with DC but facilitate so they wouldn't feel like they're missing out.

I think it's worked, but the key thing is that ex and I have been mostly amicable. Also I have bitten my tongue a lot! Ex had a habit of arranging things with his (then) new girlfriend when he should have had the DC and assuming I could 'babysit'. That was a tough time but we got through it and ex eventually settled.

too many variables to say for sure. It definitely depends on the individual circumstances. I think the limited research that has been done says 50:50 only works when parents are amicable and communicate well, live close together and no financial worries.
Also it’s not fair on children to go from one parent doing everything for them and also being the one they go to when upset or sick to having that taken away suddenly.

The older child should be spoken to about this. Also if the initial arrangement doesn’t work for DC it is okay to change to something that does work.

If things turn nasty and unfortunately they sometimes do when money is involved then the less the children are witness to the relationship dynamic between the parents the better. You can only control your own behaviour in this.