Ladies point of view

[Itsabitsy]

Would love to hear a womans point of view.

So, around 5 months ago I mentioned to my wife, I felt we don't do much together (date nights and such) family parties, I usually go myself. Anyway the convo stopped when it was mentioned and she said “if you are not happy,leave” To be frank, it has cut me. There has been absolutely no affection for probably 2 years or more. Looked at her a few weeks ago and she looked so unhappy, (I do look at her everyday) I do very much love her. I also appreciate marriage takes effort and has ebbs and flows however to be told to leave with no talk about trying to fix things, it has really got to me.
Two weeks ago I mentioned it was really getting to me to the point it was giving me anxiety and has grinded me down and affecting my health, to which she replied, she knows what she has done and had been selfish.
the anxiety is still here but I am starting to get some clarity that I cannot go on much longer like this.
She has started to try, however I have thought for the last 4months or so that we have run our course. I feel so bloody guilty for thinking like this. feel like I have failed as a partner.
we have been through this before and I feel I don't have the strength to keep plodding along.

Work/life balance would be my immediate thought. But you’ve given very little detail
about your actual every day lives, so it’s difficult to give you a ‘woman’s point of view’.

Do you both work?
How old are you?
How long have you been married?
Have you got kids?
What was she referring to when she said ‘I know what I’ve done and have been selfish?

Thanks for your reply. I was a bit vague. yes both work.
together, a long time.
work/life balance isn't a problem. She works from home or should say from bed.
Both the wrong side of forty.
kids are away.
re- selfish, She mentioned she knows she has been selfish in regards to trying to working things out, making no effort in our relationship, helping around the house, cooking or washing up. Basically sits on down watching tv.
our everyday lives, as a couple we do absolutely nothing, this is I feel the problem. I guess i am asking opinions if I am wanting or asking too much trying to put some excitement or just do something anything together.

Don’t suppose perimenopause is going on? Is your wife on the combined pill? If not it could be oestrogen depletion.

But works from bed???

It sounds like she is very low in mood. Depression or as FonzTherapy suggests it could be Menopause/peri-menopause.

Kids away? As in boarding school? Uni?

My woman’s perspective. My H was withdrawn. Didn’t do that much at home. He was very down. Never wanted to socialise and during lockdown when he was WFH it got worse. He wouldn’t even sit and watch a movie with me. I tried to make it work but he just didn’t want to any more. He was miserable. I became miserable. He implied I was at fault. In the end, I set him free! I’m much happier. He’s still miserable (despite new relationship!). He has health problems that made his mood worse but honestly, even on new treatment he’s still grumpy!
Most importantly, DD is much happier. He’s now an XH. It was the right decision for us.

In your circumstances, I would encourage you to see if there’s anything you can do to support your DW. She sounds terribly unhappy and WFH (bed!) can’t be helping.

I would suggest couples counseling to talk it all through and work out what you both want. If she's not willing to then you have permission to leave if that's what you're looking for?

I think couples counselling is what you need to try.

You haven’t failed if it doesn’t work out - life is long and not all marriages are going to last for ever. Sometimes people grow apart. Counselling will also help you separate in an amicable way if that’s what you both decide.

Not that it should be used as an excuse for everything, but as PPs say your wife may be suffering from depression or menopause or both, so when you bring up counselling I would also suggest she sees her GP - which is also a helpful way to let her know you understand there may be more going on for her.

But what you have now is not a marriage, so you don’t want to live like this. Be clear with her that you are ready to listen as well as talk (she probably has gripes with you too) but it can’t carry on like this, one way or another, things have to change.

Could well be, OH has been to the doctor with this.

Thanks for taking a moment to answer. Regarding leaving- not at all. I have tried to get us back on track, its the shutting down that gets to me. I would like to think I would try if OH had made her feelings felt instead of announcing (if you're not happy theres the door)
Some soul searching needed.

Hi , yes, what you have said is absolutely true. Especially the last paragraph. It sure doesn't feel like a marriage. I appreciate all relationships are hard however when one shuts down it's hard trying to move forward.