I feel like I'm trapped in a burning building

[Shamefulsecrets0]

I am trying to leave an emotionally abusive relationship, it's been going on a long time - it's a 10 year relationship that's got progressively worse. My mental health is shot and my two children are witnessing things that they should never have to see. I've submitted a form to the council for help with housing, but I feel like I can't prove the abuse, it's not that bad he's never hit me and I am not easy to live with, so I don't know what's going to happen there, I'm trying to get through to shelter and womens aid but nobody is responding because theyre so busy - and those people will be in more need than me so im taking up their time. I'm scared everything's falling apart around me and Im stuck. He's threatened custody of our children and he knows that's going to destroy me.

Keep trying Women's Aid, they are invaluable and you are just as worthy of their help as anyone else.

He doesn’t have to hit you for it to be a crime. Coercive and controlling behaviour is illegal. Do you feel able to call the police?

Are you safe at the moment? Do you have family or friends that are aware of your situation?

You can speak with the police.
Dig deep, find some strength for you and your kids.
Thousands of women on here alone have been there and are here for advice and a handhold.
You can do this.

Plan your exit
Plan your exit
Plan your exit

Quietly, and without him knowing, preferably.

Womens Aid and Shelter and anyone else who is generally difficult to get through to on the phone the best time to ring them is 5 minutes before closing time. They are usually very helpful then 😉

Try to stay calm by making all your plans. Is private renting an option? Who owns the house you currently live in?

It's interesting that you used the word "custody". Was that something you said or something he said? If he said it, I wouldn't take it too seriously. It hasn't been called custody for about 20 years now so it just sounds as though he's repeating some phase he's heard somewhere. And do you think he means it anyway, or do you think he's just saying it to upset you.

Are you married?

The police will help with emotional abuse/ controlling behaviour too. The domestic abuse section of our local police were fantastic with a friend of mine when she contacted them. They enabled her to have access back to her own home. Turns out he was already known to them but he’d told her his previous partner was “difficult”.

He said about custody - his exact words were that he could easily get custody because I'm crazy. I did make a suicide attempt 3 years ago during one of the lockdowns so he says he's got that as evidence.

He's never hit me - he's sworn at me, thrown things near me and punched walls but he's never hit me - he's just nasty and spiteful and it all sounds really silly that I should be able to just brush it off because it's just words

I can't afford to privately rent - certainly not in the area, the council responded saying that the only option would be private rent but as its an expensive area and no landlords accept DSS I'd have to leave which means taking my children out of school (I know that's a silly thing to be upset about but it's going to devastate them)

the council have a duty of care, if you rocked up to the offices with your kids and backpacks and said you had nowhere to sleep that night they would have to find you a place. It’s usually a b&b whilst they assess your claim which could be a few months, but you’d be free of your ex.
otherwise keep trying refuge, even if he’s never hit you, he’s still abusing you. Gosh how is women set the bar low.
huge unmumsnetty hugs, it’s hard but you can do it and it will get easier. I’ve been there, 20years ago, and it is simply a distant memory that I never think of now. Oh and judges don’t award full custody anymore - it would be 50/50max. You aren’t the only parent to have had mental health struggles during lockdown. As long as you are not suicidal now, he won’t stand a chance

Whats DSS?

You become a priority to be housed if you are fleeing domestic abuse. For that to happen you would need to report it.

Housing benefit, or just benefits in general. Many private landlords don’t accept tenants claiming any form of benefit (even if working full time!) although laws are coming in to change this

I would but my insurance company won't let me. Hopefully the law change will take that into account.

OP I have just posted on another thread please look into claiming universal credit to see if your housing costs will be provided that's how i got out-i work but the private rent element is paid to me each month and i pay the landlord directly you can also request an advance uc payment to tide you over until your claim is paid. And to echo other posters, report him to the police.