Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Flip

Original poster

STBEXH - & the 99p Easter egg

17 replies

54isanopendoor · 23/07/2023 22:06

STBEXH walked out 2 years ago. married 23 years now.
Legal Separation prepped to go (just waiting on 1 figure) then Divorce to follow.
Ds, 18, was angry at the time, now gets on much better with his Dad.
Dd, 16, was always 'Daddy's girl'. She is now seeing how unfair he is (doesn't pay maintenance, doesn't have them to his AT ALL, not v interested in their lives) & she is angry. ATM she doesn't want him in the house (he tended to come here for things like Christmas & B'day as they preferred it). But he is just making less & less effort. I've tried to be civil (both kids have ASD so arrangments are more like they would be for much younger kids) but I've pretty well had enough now.

He is unemployed atm so money is tight tbf, but, for Dd's 16th Bday, he gave her a 2nd hand lego set (instructions wrapped as a separate gift), some microwave popcorn & 2 pieces of Easter chocolate. All wrapped in Xmas paper. She was upset. He did give her a squashmallow (she is ASD & likes them) but she doesn't know that's because I told him to. We'd gone to meet him for waffles & icecream (which he suggested & paid for) but she was very quiet & keen to get home.
My gifts were not amazing (I've not much money either) but she got some lovely boots she wanted, a £50 ring she chose as a keepsake, some 'dress up' stuff she wanted (that she'll get bored of soon but she wanted it so I got it), some small bits & bobs, a cake, a day of birthday meals of her choosing at home. Im taking her & 2 friends to the seaside & buying them chips & ice-cream next week. Pretty modest but I've tried to follow what she wants (in reason, her ASD is hard)

So, I've talked to her about it a bit. Said that Dad is just a bit rubbish at gifts - it's not personal - he does love her. But actually, what's really crap is that he is now feeling sorry for himself (I told him she was upset & I thought a 99p easter egg was pretty poor). Tbf if she'd opened the lego first it might have been better but she opened the egg then the popcorn & cried. He left in a huff. Argh...

OP posts:

noglow · 23/07/2023 22:13

Why is he giving her an easter egg in July. I think you need to have a word and say it's not about how much he spends but some thought needs to go into it or just get a voucher

Fourmagpies · 23/07/2023 22:15

Is your STBXH also ASD? He could just be rubbish at presents, but my ex is autistic and always struggles with presents/gets it wrong. This is the first year we've been separated and he basically wanted me to buy the presents for the kids from both of us. He did transfer some money to me for his share. It's been a shit year and we're amicable so I went along with it but I can see me giving him a list in future.

Original poster

54isanopendoor · 23/07/2023 22:21

@Fourmagpies He's being assessed yes.
BUT it's always ALL about him. Both my teens are ASD & gift giving & receiving is tricky at best. But they know that it isn't all about them. STBEXH doesn't. He's not bothered that Dd is upset, he's feeling sorry for himself.
I'm really fed up of him expecting me to facilitate the relationship with Dd (who doesnt' currently want it. She said: 'I have 1 parent that bothers & that's you').
I'm also fed up with Ds popping across to his Dads & not giving me any notice etc but that's another thread.

OP posts:

Original poster

54isanopendoor · 23/07/2023 22:23

And I've had 18 years with two kids with ASD & an exH who says: 'it's not my fault' (he has dyslexia, & now maybe ASD so a perfect reason not to participate)
but I can't make things okay for 3 people all the time, esp when 1 is STBEXH
Argh. sorry for vent.

OP posts:

Fourmagpies · 24/07/2023 05:46

I know, I get it. It took me a long time to realise STBXH is autistic and so much that has happened in our relationship suddenly made sense after years of wondering what was going on. It is also all about him, and he never takes responsibility for anything. And I'm the one trying to keep his relationship going with the kids but he doesn't make any effort as he thinks it should all just happen. Our situation is complicated but he doesn't any effort to maintain a relationship with his kids, other than through me.

medianewbie · 24/07/2023 07:52

@Fourmagpies Yes, you do get it x

I'm trying to raise my ASD young people to understand that ASD doesn't equal a free pass for selfishness. We all have our burdens (I'm physically disabled) but we can't just all expect everyone to bend around us / sort out the stuff we can't be bothered with in life.

Dd esp is 'seeing' her Dad for the first time with her more adult eyes. And she's angry. It's not the 99p egg. It's the fact that he made her sadness all about him. She's just an extension of him, not a person in her own right. Its not because of the ASD. Both my teens know better, at 16 & 18.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 24/07/2023 07:57

Can you just let him manage the relationship with the kids?

medianewbie · 24/07/2023 09:17

@Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie How ? They'd never see him. Also, he's crap. eg. He took Ds to cinema on Fri afternoon. (my suggestion, 1st time in a year) Ds texted me at 9pm that the film was good. I replied: 'assume you're staying at Dad's now'?. Hadn't occurred to either of them buses stopped for day (exH no longer drives or works due to his ASD) so apart from taxi (no £) Ds stuck. I was taking Ds & Dd out for the day on Sat. Except I couldn't as no phone contact till 3pm that day (1 forgot to charge phone, 1 'didn't hear it')
Happy to leave Ds & exH to own devices as long as it doesn't mess up family time, but Dd doesn't want to see her Dad anymore because she thinks he's a rubbish Dad. She's correct.

medianewbie · 24/07/2023 09:28

So, in common with many Mums, I'm having to manage expectations, (eg last year he gave her a laundry basket), disappointments, anger. Big emotions. Dd is ASD, PDA & selective non verbal. So, I'd like to protect her from it & that would also reduce the fallout too. We get enough to deal with in term time without a parent adding to the pile.

TheProvincialLady · 24/07/2023 09:34

What would happen if you just stopped trying to rescue everyone from negative emotions?

medianewbie · 24/07/2023 10:06

@TheProvincialLady I don't. But I do try to help my teens process their range of emotions as they have ASD & it is more challenging for them. Firstly to feel & name them, 2ndly to express them (eg, when Dd literally can't speak its harder for her to speak to a friend etc). I am working on becoming superfluous as they spread their wings out into the world, but it'll take time as they're ASD.

ExH can sort himself out. He's just selfish. eg I'm recently bereaved. He called me repeatedly whilst he knew I was travelling for the Funeral 'because he wanted someone to talk to' about an upcoming wedding in his family (our kids are not even invited to this event!). When I refused to keep taking the calls he went into a sulk & neither the kids nor I heard from him for nearly 3 wks.

So, yes, I see that I've possibly been the (unwilling) family 'processor' for all emotions for years. But I'm trying to support the kids to be independent & not 'use' their ASD the way he does. It's s complicated as I don't want them to think I don't understand / support their ASD related struggles but equally doing the whole passive aggressive 'poor me' that their Dad does isn't going to make them happy (he's on his 2nd divorce, unemployed, rented studio & bitter). It's also complicated because its a Divorce.

quietnightmare · 24/07/2023 10:12

Sounds like he didn't have much money as he's not working and got the presents which may not be up to your child's standards but surely this is the part where you agree with your daughter that the presents weren't great but having ASD is not an excuse to be you grateful

Also nothing wrong with second hand Lego or second hand anything

medianewbie · 24/07/2023 10:29

@quietnightmare nowt wrong with 2nd hand I agree. Our whole house is prety much 2nd hand. But she doesn't like Lego. He does. To 'pad out" her gifts, I bought her a jotter & some gel pens. Total cost £5. But she wanted them & will use them. I think what upset her is that her Dad didn't put any thought in a out who she is growing into ( he has form, he gave Ds a baby-type mini truck aged 12) So, yes she's always been taught to be polite. And to value the gesture not the gift. But I'm not going to ignore her tears or tell her to feel differently. Especially re Dad's sulks. Nor will I 'play into it'. I just need to be alongside her whilst she works it out.

TheProvincialLady · 24/07/2023 12:18

Sorry @medianewbie if my question came across as critical. It wasn’t meant to. And I understand completely that you support your children with ASD to recognise and process emotions. I suppose I was just wondering whether your continuing involvement in your ex and when/how he engages with his children (very poorly from what you describe) is unwittingly prolonging the inevitable, which is that they all need to find relationships of their own (if at all). Sometimes that will be painful and sometimes they may choose to reject the relationship. But you can’t and probably shouldn’t try to be the glue that holds it all together as it’s not fair on you and it doesn’t seem that successful anyway. However I don’t have children with ASD or a useless ex with or without ASD so my uninformed wonderings may not be useful to you!

MsMcGonagall · 24/07/2023 12:36

So he left in a huff and is making it all about him. And in a previous example none of you heard from him for 3 weeks.

I'd say it's a good thing he's an Ex. His huff is not your problem. You don't have to make him feel better about anything. Yes your daughter is/was upset but she was anyway, fixing his huff wouldn't change that. So no need to worry about him being in a huff.

Not hearing from him for 3 weeks - bonus!

An 18 year old misses a day out cos he can't manage his phone/transport - oh well! and this is a lesson for the 18 year old to learn. I realise DS has more challenges around that due to ASD but keep your communication about DS's logistics with DS alone and make small progress with him.

You have had 3 people to manage for years- now you only have to worry about 2 of them.

If Dd doesn't want to see her dad it is entirely up to her at her age, let her see much less of him if that's her preference.

Original poster

54isanopendoor · 24/07/2023 18:02

@TheProvincialLady ah, no need to apologise! I did read your post & thought: 'no, that's not it' but then was typing my reply & thought that you do have a point: I think I have been the one to try to 'make it okay' for all of them for years. Of course, I can't. It's more complicated with ASD (& we've had little educational or community support) but it's still not something one person can 'make okay'. Nor perhaps should I keep trying. Certainly for ExH but also for the kids. I do try really hard to be 'alongside' them rather than being 'tiger Mum'. and it's quite hard that ExH 'uses' (imo) his ASD as a get out clause for everything but still I need to stand back & let them all sort themselves out. Thank you for your post x

OP posts:

Original poster

54isanopendoor · 24/07/2023 18:06

@MsMcGonagall yes. the 'huffing' / silent treatment has been very tiring over the years & a lousy example for the kids. 1 less person being 'childish / teenage' is good (actually they are more mature than he is, imo, though I am sure he would tell a different story but it's my post not his so too bad :)

Thanks for your input. I think I need to 'stand back' & let them make their own mistakes a bit more before they go out into the world. It's going to be a shock...
It just got to me that Dd was so upset & exH was such a twit. But, we move on.

I know I am a LOT less stressed when he isn't hanging around & I think the kids are much better off seeing him elsewhere too. They can organise it between them.

OP posts:

Flip