Nightmare summer holidays- How can I get the strength to divorce?

[unhappygolucky]

name change for this as has been posting about my relationship issues before and feel so embarrassed I haven’t left yet

Im currently on what’s supposed to be a wonderful summer holiday in our family cottage in the woods. Sitting alone in a room feeling empty and paralyzed, so sad.

Have been married 10 years this summer, two kids, 7 and 9. Don’t think we’ve ever been truly happy since our second was born. Things have just been tough for us - relocating to another country, illness, unemployment, family bereavement and running through all this, extremely bad communication and trust issues and mental health issues. Finally, our political opinions have developed and diverged radically over the years and we now find ourselves on opposing sides (exasperated by Covid, Trump, Ukraine). We are also from different cultures and our cultural differences have become more marked since having children with a lack of willingness to compromise on both sides (I know I could do better on this, but some
of his cultural practices I have serious issues with and struggle to accept in my heart and home) We can’t even have a normal conversation anymore without it going awry. I don’t enjoy spending time with him anymore and feel that there’s so much resentment on both sides, lack of respect. We used to argue a lot, but recently things have progressed into icy silences, which are even worse as at least before, the arguments were interspersed with peaceful and happier moments of closeness.

I think I’ve been thinking about divorce for the last five years. Every time I’m close to pulling the trigger (and it’s been mentioned and discussed a lot between us) I’ve chickened out once I realized how heartbroken the kids would be. He’s a good dad and they adore him. Also, the financial implications (renting and would t be able to stay in the flat on just my income) as well as daily logistics (I work a busy job and we share drop off/pick ups and he pulls his weight in terms of housework). The fear of the fall out has stopped me each time.

Finally I’ve held out due to some hope that things would get better. And I think that now what’s changed is I’ve finally faced things will never get better. Due to a traumatic childhood and various current issues in his life (and a refusal to try to heal himself/go into therapy or similar), he will never ever change. I also think we’re just fundamentally too different and perhaps should’ve never married Int he first place, but we were both in a chaotic period of our lives when we met and I guess we sort of were each others’ saviors at the time. The way he is - both towards me in terms of super bad communication and conflict resolution skills - and his whole attitude to life and the world around him, will never cease to cause me misery and pain. I just can’t go on like this.

I feel certain I must divorce in order to have any hope of a happier future.

but I’m so worried that my resolve will fade once we’re back from this holiday and daily life kicks back in. How do I keep myself to my resolve, how to do I make myself go through with it? Im
so worried that when I will face his pain and anger (he doesn’t want to divorce as he’s the child of divorced parents himself and is convinced all divorces are catastrophic) I will backtrack and not have the strength to go through with it. I’m just such a coward.

How do I keep my resolve?

Hi OP, hugs to you. This was me in 2021. We are now divorced and I know I will never have to suffer another miserable holiday again. Picture yourself in 2 years- do you want to be having another shite holiday? Your kids 2 years older and more and more aware of the frosty silences?
There is a photo of me on that holiday (taken by my DS without me noticing) - my face is utter, utter misery. Thank fuck that is now in my past. Get back from your cottage and go see a solicitor. You will figure out the logistics. Your kids will be fine. I promise.

Ok, 2 key things you mention

Fear : fear is the unknown . Remove the unknown and less fear. So, instead of focusing on what you’ll loose re upsetting the children, arm yourself with a clear visualisation of what your future will be like in 2,5,15,25 years both divorced and if you remain married. To do that go to the link above to “ADVICE NOW”. Find out exactly how the divorce process works, how assets are valued, how “fair settlement “ works (the legal framework for splitting assets which doesn’t necessarily start at 50:50). And how fair settlement would apply to you and husband if you divorced. Figure out roughly what you’ll likely need up with. Then do research on where you’d lived what housing you could afford, how custody would be managed . Really send time researching until you can visualise what the future, going that route, will mean. Then you can dispel the fear, and look much more wisely at both options. And make a decision then.

“Hope”: such a nice little word , but I’ve come to realise over many years and a lot of tough experiences , it can be a dangerous little emotion. Whilst hope is, I believe, crucial for the human brain and emotions to help us endure the most horrible of situations (rather than committing suicide for instance, sorry) , it also has a nasty habit of stopping us actually moving or changing direction. It holds us back, stops us having to face reality. In situations like this, where we’re not talk about absolutely life limiting catastrophic decisions, it just holds us in a place of inaction. Like a rabbit in headlights hoping the car won’t hit us- but it will, unless we move. We might move to the wrong side of the road, but that’s fine, moving helped us avoid a worse situation, in time we can make plans about how to cross back over the road to the right side.

you may also find it useful to do 2 other thibgs

1. read up on the grief pathway. You are experiencing a slow loss of your marriage and future dreams , that takes time to adjust to and come to accept . Understanding how emotions change in that process could be useful for you
2. once you’ve done the tasks of visualising your future clearly, talk to someone you trust and tell them not to say anything to anyone else ever, that you haven’t decided but want to talk your options through out loud to someone neutral l or maybe if you don’t have someone to trust, get a hour or so with a counsellor. Talking through your decision out loud can really help crystallise it, and getting input from someone on how you come across when tasking both options , really helps.

if you do then decide to divorce, afford your husband the same time to go through these processes. I think that all too often non amicable divorces are happening as couples simply haven’t processed this and got to point where they can accept the change that’s happening- it all gets stuck in anger part of grief pathway, and all the fear that’s associated with that change,

@Appleofmyeye2023 i just want to day THANK you for the most useful comment ever! I’m following your advice and it’s really helping me see things more
clearly. I forced myself to make a budget and I can see I couldn’t stay where we are now on just my income, so given he would also need his own place, I’d have to accept downsizing and moving further out, so that’s already a big thing to consider.
It’s also becoming clear to me that it’s hard to imagine staying married to him unless things change drastically. And that’s hard to imagine too! Still haven’t reached a decision but now starting to look at grief pathways and I’m hoping that will help too.

Im glad it’s helping you

Thankyou from me too! This is amazingly helpful xxx

Yes, very helpful post. I'm going to read and re-read. Can relate to a lot of what op has posted.

Op if you read this message, did you reach any decision?

Oh had forgotten about this post completely!
well, I’m afraid what I’ll tell you may not be what you’d hope, but actually we’re still married! We’re doing a lot better. Like a LOT. Things can still be difficult but I’d say that the main two things that changed things for me are: 1) I did go through a clear assessment of what a divorce would be like and what my life would be be like down the line. And I realized that I didn’t like the divorced scenarios. Sure, some part of it was tempting, mainly ending the struggle to get on, but I also remembered how lonely I was before marriage. I mean I had lots of friends and short term relationships but essentially I was lonely. While DH and I still disagree on lots of things, I fundamentally trust him deeply and I never feel alone.

Secondly, and this is a if one, we began couples counseling about six months ago. I can’t tell you what a big difference it’s made. It has helped me see my own part in our problems too, and I’ve changed some bad habits. Likewise, he’s changed some patterns. Things aren’t perfect, but show me a marriage which is? we’re working on our relationship and committed to make it work. If he hadn’t shown any improvement or commitment to change I’d have definitely left. I cannot recommend couples therapy enough.

I saw your post and wanted to say I’m so happy for you. I have also been through a really tough time in our marriage. But now things are better than ever.
Marriage therapy has also really helped us.
Where we live if one party won’t agree to divorce there is a mandatory 2 year period before anything can happen. And I am so grateful for that rule.
It just shows how life can change and reaching for connection can improve life.

I am glad things worked out for you op.

However I don't agree with this

Where we live if one party won’t agree to divorce there is a mandatory 2 year period before anything can happen. And I am so grateful for that rule.

It seems like a nightmare particularly for women who are stuck in abusive situations. Please tell me this is not applicable in the UK.

So pleased for you OP! Sounds like you've got a partner who takes things seriously and is committed to working through things in counselling, which is brilliant. Long may it last!
@jointhevelvetiserclub there's a 20 week cooling off period in the UK and I agree it's not good for people in abusive marriages. I find it absolutely condescending and absurd to have the state intervene in our marital decisions - a legal requirement to do anything in your personal life seems bonkers. Where's the evidence that it works? Was there a public consultation that supported this? Surely there must've been. Either way there should be an opt out for specific situations - feels like it could endanger a lot of women (and some men) by prolonging things by so long.